You wrote:

"Niece

Maybe I'm naive, but if these letters represent a cross-section of how we, as a society, respond to a child that needs help, then I think our society is in deep trouble. There is something very disturbing to me about the fact that the desire to discard the child as quickly as possible is seen as normal while the uncle's willingness to care for his own flesh and blood is seen as so bizarre.

-- JoleneB "

You're not naive, you just don't know what this girl is dealing with. Love and attention do not cure all. She has an emotional behavioral disorder. She needs professional help and strong,clear limits that are consistently enforced. This home situation will send her further down the path of destruction. No one helps an emotionally troubled child by encouraging lies and manipulation. The husband is actually complicit in this child's ultimate destruction and something sounds "off" about him.

Cary,

I almost always agree with your advise but you missed the mark on this one.

This child is mentally ill, probably with attachment disorder and a host of other mental problems. She has no conscience and never will. She is capable of great destruction.

This woman's life, career and marriage is in danger.

These children wreck the life of the people who try to help them the most as they fear attachment and loss so completely.

"To all those posters whose advice was just "Leave him": What's wrong with a little conversation before the divorce?"

Um, well, perhaps because husband is not listening to his wife as it is--and is consistently disrespecting and verbally abusing her. What, you want him to have more shots at her? Without respect and love there _is_ no marriage, so all this "talk it over with hubby/take him to therapy" stuff is useless, to say the least.

I actually agree they should go to therapy. If not as a couple, then the wife should go alone. Right away. The doctor will tell them both or her alone that she must leave or have the child removed. It's that simple. The husband won't see the child's disorder and the wife is unable to shift him. Maybe an outside opinion would help. I kind of doubt it.

LW, please, please, please extricate yourself from this situation ASAP! I'm scared for you. Your husband is unfortunately an adult. You can't force him to see reason. Save yourself!

Unfortunately, the clock is ticking on the LW--that is, if time isn't already up. If you take the niece out of the mix, the husband's self-delusion and hostility towards wife is still a major problem--enough of a threat that it doesn't make sense for LW to waste any time or risk doing anything husband would see as a danger to his fantasy world.

The only thing I would add is that it's not only the 13-year-old who is, understandably, out of control: nothing in this entire picture is in control, neither husband, nor LW, nor any of the relationships that the protagonists have with each other.

Try building something on already severely compromised foundations, and it will all fall apart. And that is no environment in which to raise an already abused, abandoned, and misunderstood child.

I wish you well.

-- S

I'm a survivor of abuse, and although I wouldn't assume that the husband is sleeping with his niece outright, the classic warning signs are there.

I was lucky enough to have loving parents who provided me with stability following what happened to me - but I can also vividly recall the bitterness and despair and disgust and the desire to destroy, destroy, DESTROY everything good around me at that age.

Many abuse survivors hate the people who show kindness to them. Why? Because they hate themselves. Deep down, they think - "wow, this person likes me? They're an idiot, then. Or else they have an ulterior motive. Nobody can like *me*. I'm scum."

How do you deal with that? Well, as many people have already mentioned - there needs to be some semblance of stability. Rules must be set, and enforced.

As much as I admire the compassion expressed in Cary's response, I must point out that the husband's behaviour is just going to undo every single positive action that the LW can embark on. He is enabling this girl's destructive tendencies, and unless he stops, there can be no happy resolution, no future step-grandchildren playing on the lawn.

LW, I agree with everyone here who says that you may be facing the disintegration of your marriage, not to mention legal problems, if something doesn't change quickly. Your husband needs to come to his senses, NOW.

i am never sure with these things. she doesnt have to keep that girl in her house. that girl isnt going to be saved. her husband is some time of freak, or there is WAY more to the story than we have been told. lady, get a divorce already.

maybe it is a joke. i didnt finish reading the answer.

All the points here are well and valid. Saving abused, needy young people is a great responsibility not to walk away from.

But a verbally abusive husband, who "forgot" about his marriage spending lots of time with a 13-year-old girl whose goal is to drive away the wife? Not a good idea. Sounds like a terrible idea! And it sounds like she's being used and abused by both her husband and the girl. It seems quite possible the husband and girl may be doing the same to one another on an emotional if not sexual level...and what they're doing to her is verbal abuse and emotional infidelity.

I doubt much good can be done under present circumstances. The husband has zero regard for his wife or his marriage. The girl's goal is to make the wife's life living hell. And nothing will change because the man in charge, domineering and explosive, is her defender...at the expensive of reason and his marriage.

The girl is a child. She needs to be somewhere other than this volatile home.