I am sorry Cary, but the husband is very unreasonable, and not acting in the best interest of the child, in fact he seems to be acting strangely towards his wife. I see no reason she should put up with this at all. Her husband is undermining their relationship, and without a stable relationship with her husband, they cannot help the child. Children are hard to raise when parents have a great relationship with each other and a stable home. His behavior is actually solidifying the girls poor behavior. And you know what it is weird. While I read her story it felt creepy, like something is going on between the husband and his niece. It is time for an ultimatum, she should tell her worthless husband that they either work together and get the child real help, or it is time for a divorce.

I rented a house to a couple who had just taken in their 10 yo grandson who had "problems". Both of them were highly educated and used to using resources for making a difference in the world. Two years later I see the wife for the first time since they had moved in. I didn't even recognize her at first, she looked like she had aged 20 years. Grandson was already gone, I didn't ask where or how, but I could tell they had been through a horrible ordeal. Sometimes things are beyond our abilities to deal with them and with both your husband and his niece working against you I don't think you have a snowballs chance of coming out of this intact if you stay. My best to you, I know it is not easy to say something is too much for you, but for your own sake, know your limits.

Someone certainly needs to help this kid, because she is still a child, and one in a precarious stage of development. It's make-or-break time right now.

The problem is that this someone isn't the LW or her husband. It's the sort of situation where mishandling it is worse than not handling it at all, and they have already mishandled it. This girl is running that household, and no child should ever be running a household. Even a sane, stable 13-year-old needs a firm, loving hand at the helm. It's hormonal hell for them, even under the best of circumstances, and this is not the best of circumstances.

The LW should get out, not to abandon the child, but to protect herself from any other form of escalation--which will happen. Her home is a powder keg.

Take everything you value, especially everything living, because everything you leave behind has a high probability of being destroyed.

I say this as a throwaway kid, the difficult kid that nobody wanted, because to a kid in that situation needs more stability than the LW and her husband can provide. Far more. She may not get it, but you know what? That's life. We don't always get what we need, much less what we want, but right now, the LW leaving is as good as it gets, because it's no worse than the LW staying, and might be better.

Which kind of reminds me, where did we get the idea that our life belongs to us? Where did we get the idea that we're owed gratitude? Or anything else for that matter? Where did we get the idea that we're entitled to our dream life, whatever that might be?

We're not.

The LW isn't responsible for her niece's behavior, but she is responsible for her own, and I'm wondering what motivated her to start this particular ball rolling. If it wasn't raw altruism, then she needs counseling, too. Saving the girl, even with the best possible outcome, was never going to get her any real rewards.

In other words, she bit off far more than she could chew, and she owes it to herself to find out why.

but Nefariousmuse's advice was correct.

Sorry, Cary. I've often wondered if you shouldn't stick to the angst ridden artistes and other people who "suffer" from what, let's face it, really amount to non-problems. Please give them compassionate pats on the head.

Whenever anything real is at stake, your advice is baffingly naive and wrong, often in a very quantifiable sense. This LW could easily spend the remaining years of her life in prison if she stays in the house with a malicious teenager who falsely accuses adults of abusing her. Juries are irrational, and it only takes one conviction. Her husband is in even greater danger (if he isn't in fact guilty).

Everything we have learned about psychology and social science over the last half century tells us unequivocally that this teenager and her aunt need to part ways NOW for both their sakes. Cary, does an editor even read your advice before it gets online?

After that, everything Nefariousmuse said. Please please, LW, leave today. The girl needs help but you are not in a position to give it, not least because your husband already takes her side against you. Get out.

You said it in your letter:

I believe we probably will get a divorce anyway for the verbal abuse and the way he's forgotten about our marriage.

This is YOUR most important concern. How can you provide a stable home for this girl if you yourself don't feel stable in your marriage?

Work this out with your husband, and possibly a counselor. If this fails, leave.

What is this "Not allowed to interfere" crap? It is your home - your rules.

Okay, thirteen year olds are a pain in the neck, but point out to her that if she finds it that bad she can just go home. The harsh reality of this is that you don't "have" to look after her, and if she wants a battle of wills she is going to lose because ultimately you have the authority.

Also, point out to her that having the hots for her uncle is just damned creepy.

As a special ed teacher, I cannot see this situation as beneficial to the child or ever helping her. She is no doubt abused and troubled. However, she is also a manipulative liar as many Emot./Behavioral Disorder children are. That's "normal" as Cary says.

Your husband, however, is a complicit and totally unacceptable parent-figure. He doesn't seem to see the clear problems which makes little to no sense. It frankly sounds like your husband might have an emotional problem of his own. Your letter sounds scared and you should be scared. This situation will probably blow up in your husband's face and he may end up criminally charged.

By all means, keep a diary. By all means contact the school Special Ed Liason or Couselor. That's not all. Make it very clear to school personnel what is occurring in your home, in writing, in terms of the manipulation and lies. Contact Child Services Immediately for in-home professional help. If you are married to what I assume is the custodial guardian (your husband) you can force the situation to a head and you need to do so. Make sure that Child Services is aware that you see grave problems in the home and are not confident that this child can stay there. If need be, you must demand that she be removed.

If your marriage falls apart, so be it. This girl's problems are not for amateurs. I mean that. Get professional help immediately. Any competent social worker or doctor who has access to this child's family history will see the problems ahead. Your husband may see clearly if someone on the outside with a professional view explains the situation to him. If not, you must leave. You could both end up charged with abuse and it could ruin your lives.

Your husband is not up to dealing with this girl's problems and is actually encouraging her disordered behavior. She will never change as long as it serves her purpose not to change.