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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
CT missed the most important point here. The problem is that you and your husband are not acting together on this, for whatever reason. If you help this girl, it will happen because you do it together. Right now it sounds as if the two of you are not communicating at all and have different strategies about her. It's time to change that.
The two of you have to have a long, serious discussion about the niece, without her around to interfere. You have to make this happen. Your husband will not. He is not thinking, just feeling, so you will have to do the thinking for him. Hopefully, he's aware enough to recognize truth when he hears it. Tell him that you know that he loves his niece, that that makes you happy, and that you want to love and nurture her, too. Everybody agrees that we want what it best for her.
Then you have to get him to see that what is best for her may not be what she thinks she wants. She is young and traumatized, and she is trying to protect herself by recreating a dominant male who is focused on her. This is all she knows. You have to show your husband that this will hurt her in the long run. She should learn that love is inclusive, not isolating. He must help you stop her competition for attention. He must ignore her when she tries to distract him from you. He has to remember that you are his wife, and then you both have to be prepared for the acting-out that will ensue when she feels threatened by her demotion. In the movies, this would be resolved by your taking her shopping.
Finally, both you and your husband should remember that 13 doesn't last forever. You can try to be compassionate to both of them, and he can try to be more firm. Tell each other that you know the next year will be a difficult test, and that you want to come out the other side a stronger, more loving couple.
Soon, she'll have a boyfriend, and you'll have a whole new set of problems.
~
No big house, a thousand doll babies,
lego sets, DVD's, a double car garage,
a 'fisher price' training car, or tricycle,
Nothing will improve a child's trauma.
Talk to the child. Love her. O, attend.
Speak. Talk. Give attention. Luv, Love.
Let the home be a home with warmth.
A woman writes in to say that her husband has taken on a child with a past that has led her to be totally out of control. And he isn't doing anything to make the situation any better. on the contrary, he is enabling this child in her out-of-control behavior. He is pushing his own wife out of their marriage, and putting the child in her place.
The woman was not consulted about the situation. The woman is being punished for the child's behavior. The woman has lost her marriage and her home, and has gotten nothing in return for the exchange. She writes in to ask what she should do about her marriage and her home situation.
And Tennis tells her she should scoop up all the shit that has been raining down on her life, put it in a big bowl, and eat it.
I totally see the rationale behind wanting to save this child. But there are thousands, if not millions, of children whose lives need some responsible guardianship. This woman never signed up for any of this. It is cruelly unfair to act as if she should take responsibility for this broken life.
If you want my advice, poor Letter Writer, you need to give your husband an ultimatum: You or the niece. You may be willing to consume all the shit that Cary seems to think it is reasonable for you to consume. But even if you do, you need to make it clear to your husband that his current behavior is not in the child's best interests, in his best interests, and certainly not in your best interests. And if he refuses to begin acting like an adult, and like a parent to this child, then he is on his own.
If it were me, I would pack my things and leave. Your husband seems to have made his choice, and that choice doesn't include a place for you. Why should you take on years or decades of heartache for not foreseeable reward?
Go live your life. Find a man who isn't willing to take advantage of you to your extreme detriment.
And ignore Tennis' advice. Yes, it would theoretically be good and noble if you could actually help this girl. But why should he expect you to just give up you life that way? I don't think you should just give up your life. Your husband has given up your marriage.
This child has been through a lot, I'm assuming. She certainly has a good command of manipulation. I'm raising a very challenging child who also comes from a traumatic background. She has tried to triangulate (set up conflicts between two out of three people in the triangle) many times, but my husband and I are a united front.
This little one needs a united front. She's currently getting away with this stuff and is learning from that that manipulation will get you what you want. The writer's husband should wake up and small the coffee. He and his wife need marriage counselling pronto and I hope to god the counsellor lets him know that he needs to be taking his wife's side and trusting her.
Once he becomes the primary caregiver by himself, instead of the wife, then the little one will spend her venom on him instead. Read up on Reactive Attachment Disorder and find out some fun facts.
Letter writer, The advice you got from the columnist is wrong. It is all wrong. The business of saving people works like this: one at a time, and you start with yourself.
There will be no saving of this child until she learns that she is a child (IE you and your husband take control [ie he wakes up]), that she will be taken care of (ie you and your husband are adults, she is not, and you two will meet her needs), and that she can stop trying to wrest control out of the situation. Ie until your husband decides to start being a parent, not a friend, and lets you do the same.
Please read about reactive attachment disorder or other attachment disorders. You may recognize your husband's niece.
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