I can't imagine anybody wanting to be in such a position. Its completely natural to not want to be involved in what will be, at best, extremely difficult.

Carey's answer is excellent, and the type of planning he describes should be done - at least the broad strokes - in all families before anyone gets to the diagnosis point. And he's right that this sort of responsibility often gets dumped with the children (and their families) that live close by.

I'd like to add that little research, prior to Thanksgiving, would go a long way. What's best for your mother-in-law? Studies have shown that Alzheimer's sufferers do best, at least initially, in their own homes - familiar surroundings - so you may want to look into the cost of a live-in caregiver. And involve your mother-in-law as much as possible. She's the person with the most to lose in the end. She should have some say in what happens to her.

The detailed agreement is a great idea. It will help to keep all the siblings involved and committed. Plan also for holidays - what happens when you're away, or at work. I would also have the daughters looking into care homes because that's probably where your mother-in-law will end up at eventually, and you may need to arrange for somewhere in advance - they tend to fill up.

However you do this remember that your mother-in-law didn't ask for this thing to happen to her. Also remember that your thoughts do not make you a bad person.

to you and your mother-in-law. Providing such care can be crushing, overwhelming and debilitating. It is something that trained professionals are best equipped to handle, or the burden shared amongst many, so please don't feel badly that you're not prepared to make your life miserable and unmanagable over it. Remember that it is your husband's responsibility and you are his support; try to take that stance from the beginning.

Finally, no rambling. Straight, practical and solid.

I spent more than five years with my mom living in an apt. in my home before I faced reality and arranged for care. My brother didn't get what the problem was until I sent Mom and a caregiver I was paying for across the country for a three week visit. He got it. (Still didn't help or contribute to her care but at least he stopped denying the problem.) So, Carey's right, have mom start traveling soon.

But, before Thanksgiving buy and read "The 36 Hour Day" and perhaps buy copies for each of the daughters. It is a tragic but accurate description of the stages of Alzheimer's and will prepare you for what is coming. Have your husband read it as well. It is, after all, his mother. When the time comes, will he pitch in cutting toenails, diapering and being sure she doesn't get lost? If not, be sure you make a plan for care that doesn't involve you alone. The rage you'll feel will kill your relationship. I took on my mom's care, while working and caring for two kids and a house. It nearly killed me.

Locate an adult day care facility near her home, and find out whether her health insurance will pay for it. If not, find a "medical model" care program near you.

Traveling will only work for a while, so you will need 24/7 care, and it is hugely expensive, so a day center will help.

And, when the time comes to find a care facility, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. Caring for someone with Alzheimer's is not a job for one person-it is a job for an extended families, which often no longer exist, or professional carers.

Good luck.

... this is your problem because you are nearest to it. It's like the weather, if a storm tears off the roof of her house you will be the first to respond because you are there and you have no choice. That is why it is you have to arrange her care now. It ain't fair but it is what it is (if it were even remotely fair it would be your husband writing in and not you).

I'm sure Cary's sister feels much better after reading his response.

The LW wants things her way, and will probably make her husband's life a living hell if she doesn't get what she wants. She doesn't want to take care of her MIL and probably will not take Cary's advice, as she doesn't care how the MIL gets the care she needs.

Ask yourself what our President-elect would do.

I'm going to refrain from commenting on the LW's reluctance regarding her MIL and just say this:

The local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association has already done all the research for you. Call them.

Depending on what stage she's in, traveling to her daughters may not be the best approach. Frequent travel is definitely not a good idea, as it increases disorientation. It'll be harder for her to readjust to her surroundings each time.

I thought you were gone to share:`A veteran was taken to the VA on Veterans Day. The partner said`I cant stand Veterans. They always have Mattress Discount Sales and big Holiday Vet Blowouts. I hate the Veterans Day Pillows

She dropped him off at the VA Clinic.

Test and find out what's his problem?

She comes back later to ask: the doc.

`What's his Troubles? The Vet's Lame.

The doc says:`I forgot what all is wrong. The Doc says to the partner/lover: Drive the lame veteran around the block. If the veteran has gonorrhea you are in trouble. Veterans all have a case of temporary Alzheimer's. Doc says:

`If thee poor veteran finds his way back home,

`what you should Not do is: To make love to him.

~

The answers you give are always very kind. Empathy.

I'd tell thee Caregiver to go picture Cary Tennis nude?

Send the heartless caregiver to the VA for free flu shots.

Flu vaccines cause severe epidemics outbreaks and dread.

Quarantine is essential: chicken pox, hives, mumps, sore toes.