I see what may be a valuable nugget in Cary's response: "you cannot decide what your choice of one man or the other would say about you." (italics added). You seem to care a lot that others view you as being outside the norm, strange, exceptional. But your choices are not that strange. It's just not all that weird these days for a young woman to not want marriage or children. And it's not weird to base your choice in a partner on those decisions, so your dating an older guy who's pretty normal is not ramping up the weirdness. Here's the thing: Are you happy with him? If not, would you be happy with the other? Are you willing to live in honor of what is best for you, and not in service of how others view you? In the end, it won't matter how others have viewed you. What will distinguish you is whether you were happy, how well and thoroughly you lived and loved your life, your endeavors, and other beings. So in a way, it is as achingly simple as asking yourself what you want. Best of luck to you.

Sorry, LW, despite the shared fact of our stangeness (which my mother likes to refer to as "a mind of her own" in a tone somewhere between admiration and despair) I honestly don't know how to tell you how to make this decision.

The old guy or the young guy. I dunno. And I'm not really clear in the status of the college sweetheart in your life right now. I read somewhere once that if you suddenly got good news, fabulous news, who's the person you'd first want to share it with. So do either of these guys spring to mind? I guess you could make a pro-and-con list and rate your guys on a scale of 1 to 10. You know: sack time = 7; really gets you = 6.5. Like that.

On the other hand - is there a crushing need to choose either one of them right now? You're young yet, and even if you weren't that young what's the rush? Why not just see how your current relationship goes for now? I'm assuming you like this guy on some level, s why not spend time?

By the way: you don't sound strange. You just sound like someone who knows what she doesn't want and has the courage of her convictions.

Everyone is shaped and influenced by what they experience in combination with the genes they inherit, and we are all simply human beings that experience variations of the same myriad of emotions, thought processes, survival instincts, etc. That is our uniqueness, or strangeness... but honestly... can you really call it that? No one is truly unique.

You are taking yourself WAY too seriously. You really should stop putting these expectations on yourself - what are they for? They aren't serving any purpose. By trying to be strange and different you are acting like a typical weakminded person who looks to others for validation; what's odd in that? Perception is much of everything.

Which guy makes your toes curl when you kiss him? Which one treats you with respect, and genuinely wants to know the woman inside of you? Instead of worrying about perceptions and reactions, these are the sorts of things you should be asking yourself as you try to build a fulfilling life for yourself.

Quite honestly, I don't think you're old enough to pick either one of them. It's probably a good idea for you to spend some time alone figuring out who you are.

One of the more liberating thoughts I have had was the idea that being authentic was more important than being strange. That what I want - authentically and really - is more important than how others might react to my choice. And if I want something terribly conventional that would make others say "You're so boring!" - that's all right. I don't owe the world a show.

Generally, I think that if you're in your early 20's (it sounds like you are), decisions about marriage and children can be postponed a few years. Now is your time to find a stable relationship - or to find out that stable relationships are not for you. To that extent, think about the older man and how stable that relationship might be in the long term. What do you like about him as a person? Would you want to take a long vacation with him? Think about your college sweetheart; what do you like about him? What is he like? Those are the important variables - not "What will people think of my strangeness if I date him?"

If you really liked either of these guys, the choice would be much more clear. It sounds like you are trying to make this decision based on some external model of yourself- like, "if I am really this person, I would choose Joe. If I'm really that person, I would choose Jake. So who am I?" I don't really hear any emotion or love at all in your letter, except of the most self absorbed kind.

So I suggest you let both of these relationships run their course. Try not to hurt them, but don't expect to end up with either of them in the long term.

And next time you get into a relationship, do it because you want to be there. Not because it validates your self image.

You sound like a fairly typical American young person, mostly self-absorbed and trying to define herself based on really silly criteria. I also find it amusing that you start out saying you are "strange" because you don't really want a marriage relationship and suspect you might end up alone... then you ask which boy you should choose.

whatever.

For what it's worth, when I was 31 I married a very much older man who NOT ONLY was much older, and not only had less money, and not only had no real career or job, but also liked to stay out all night at the casinos playing poker. The night we first slept together, I realized that all he had in his apartment was an old typewriter for writing poems, a futon mattress on the floor, some clothes, and a toothbrush. I'm not kidding. Not even a clock.

Anyway, it's 7 years later and damn am I glad I married him. Good heart. He got his degree and a real job (I can't guarantee your guy would do the same, but mine did) and our marriage is better every day.

Stop fretting and live a little.