In general I think when you find what really motivates and thrills you, it will come in the form of positive thoughts and feelings. Not negatives. E.g., I don't think you'd want to base your life on "I don't want to be a trial lawyer." or "I'm never going to live in the South." You need to find the things that you DO want. Not "I don't want kids." so much as "I want a life of independence and travel." or "I need someone who makes me laugh."

Work on noticing what really floats your boat, not just what you want to avoid. And be super-vigilant about noticing when your thoughts tend toward what others will think. You need to be aware of that. That's no way to make the big decisions of your life.

One last thing -- enjoy having two men after you right now. That's a nice thing, and it probably won't go on forever!

sorry, my puter in on the fritz. But hopefully you catch my drift. RELAX!

I must begin with a tangent. My quite lovely 26 yr old cousin told me she would NEVER get married or have kids. fast-forward 14 years later; she's been married for 2 years and has kids. You cannot truly know how you will feel "in your next lifetime", (next decade), nor, at this stage should you try.

I concur with some others that part of what you are feeling is a sign of youth and trying to simply find your path, and that you usually choose "the road less traveled". I've been there and while I reveled in being my own person, I too used to question if I was truly 'anti' or if I was 'anti' just to be 'anti'. I decided that if I did not really know, that I better find the answer before making any momentous life decisions.

I decided to seek the help of a professional therapist, not because I thought I was crazy, although my behavior in purposely being an outsider led me to make some poor decisions or simply decisions that led to 'anti-contentment' in my life, but so I could gather the tools I needed to really come to an informed decision about 'who I was' and 'who I wanted to be'. After 23 years in NYC, an easy place to be an outsider, but a tough place to be 'anti' because everyone is trying to be there own person thei, and I quickly discovered that 'my anti-outsider's view' was the same 'insider's view' of alot of other 'outsiders'.

I feel that if you have this bag of tools to objectively figure out where you're going because you understand your starting point, you will end up in an exponentially more contented place than you otherwise may. By doing this, I was able to figure out the many parts of me that truly are 'anti'. (My brother calls me the family misanthrope), and to let the parts of me that wanted to 'join' or go with the status quo.

oday I am very happily married to a woman my own age group, (after dating, almost exclusively, older owmen and women outside of my culture),(Yes, Shicksas!), who accepts all the outsider parts of me, and covers those I can keep these parts of myself. I'm allowed to stay in my cave as I see fit.

I am thankful for "being or thinking I was an anti every day. I look at the marriages of my family and friends who followed the beaten path and are now divorced or in relationships where they feel trapped as both parties have grown apart. Sure, my marriage is work. All relationships in ut because I really took the time to understand myself, (ultimately what your question is all about!), and to learn what I truly desire from life, I was able to come into all relationships in my life with confidence that I was supposed to be there. It gave me the confidence and assurance to look for and find another person who knew themselves and their wants just as deeply. After 6 years of marriage, we have yet to truly raise our voices at each other and feel we are growing together because we started from such a similar, solid and self-assured base of self on both sides of the equation. to do what anybody other than you thinks is the proper schedule of life. Before you can be aprt of an equilateral equation, you should go make yourself into "a prime number". Before I became "an anti", I followed a path prescribed by the people who were supposed to guide me to myself, not guide me into what they thought I should become. This leads to unhappiness or frustration, not to "self". And it led to me becoming "an anti" as a form of revolt, on top of the anti I already was on my own.

So go get your toolchest, load it up with the proper tools, and take your time, doing a fine and detailed search of your inventory before you act. Then you can "go to work" assured you are working in the proper trade, and being ever so contented in your life as your life-long paycheck.

... but you seem to be preoccupied by how you appear.

Since you asked... It sounds to me like you're torn between these two men not because you want both of them but because you're not really sold on either of them. I'd suggest you keep right on looking!

(A waste of time in my opinion)

My advice would be for the LW to make a decision (keep dating both guys, break up with one, break up with both, something else...), process the consequences (physical, emotional, otherwise), learn from them and apply them to your life going forward.

ps. you're not strange, not in the least

It's not that "strange" for a younger woman to prefer older men. There's a popular stereotype that these relationships are about gold-digging, or something, but that's just what it is -- a stereotype. Many ladies will tell you that older men are more competent, better in bed, more likely to have their lives figured out, and (obviously) more mature. People aren't that surprised when a younger gay man prefers to be with older dudes; so why should everyone expect that all women want the same thing?

Furthermore, it could be that the guy you're seeing is just hotter than the college-sweetheart guy, & that's why you prefer to be with him.

One more thought: Lots of women marry older guys, so being with this guy isn't necessarily a sign that you don't want marriage and kids (although both things could be independantly true). If you talked to some women who have chosen older guys, it might help you see that this situation is pretty normal, & isn't necessarily done for "shock value."