As someone who's parents divorced when I was 13, I can say that you should absolutely do it. Not only were both my parents happier after they split up, but my younger brother and I got to know them both better, as they weren't spending all their time trying to avoid eachother, purposely coming home from work late, etc. I know people think getting divorced will ruin their kids lives, but sometimes staying together has the same effect. You'll be better parents (and certainly will be happier people) apart.

"and they certainly are trying to change gays to become straight."

Freudian slip? I meant to say that the local leaders are certainly not trying to change gays to become straight. That practice has been abandoned after tragic consequences ensued.

Look, Mormons believe that acting on homosexual desires is a sin. This is no secret, obviously, so if you can't live those principles you have the clear choice to make, which is to leave the church. The Mormon church has also softened its stand on homosexuality in a lot of ways, but not to the point of condoning it.

The church leaders have a dialogue with Affirmation now. Most local leaders now would never tell a young gay person to just suppress their feelings and start a family, and they certainly are trying to change gays to become straight. They've learned from their mistakes in those ways.

That said, the Mormon church will never see homosexual actions as anything but a sin. Now, whether they should also enforce those beliefs through things such as Prop 8 in California is pretty hotly debated throughout the membership. I happen to disagree with that stance, but I still believe in the basic tenets.

What does this mean for LW? I don't know. He can certainly remain in the church as long as he doesn't act on the homosexuality. I can't imagine such a painful life so I'd never judge him and his choices. Of course his first responsibility is to his family, no matter what decision he makes as to his marriage and religion.

Reader2007's letter asserts that even though the LR is over eating, over spending, living in a sexless marriage and generally miserable--maybe he ought to stay married.

I can't help but be reminded of the now famous New Yorker cartoon about gay marriage. The punch line of which is: "Haven't they suffered enough?"

One of the most committed gay couples I have known had to deal with similar issues. One partner's father was a Pentacostal preacher (told his son that attraction to men was a phase and that he would grow out of it) and the other partner had actually been an elder in the Morman church. They both reached their breaking point and could no longer live as heterosexuals, but not before having kids. Between the two of them, they had six.

After finally coming to term with their sexuality, divorcing, and finding each other, they remained in a very loving committed relationship and dealt with custody issues and blended family issues like any other couple. Sadly, after a long illness (yes, AIDS) one of the men died recently. Again, they dealt with this like any other couple, cared for each other, grieved, coped.

For these men (and many like them), living openly as a gay person did not change who they were, their values, morals, or even their fundamental conceptions about what it means to be married or in a committed relationship. It just meant that they could do it at peace with themselves.

To the letter writer, good luck and God bless.

As someone who grew up in a household with two parents who couldn't stand each other, I'm of the very firm belief that what kids need is love, stability, and a non-hostile environment. I also come from a family where things that are difficult to talk about - often, the elephant in the room - are never spoken of: better to let wounds fester that actually say how you feel about a situation.

Think about it: what you're giving your kids isn't a loving, stable home. Instead, you're teaching them how to live a lie, and you're showing them every day just how much misery that causes.

I'd also suspect, very strongly, that your kids already know, or at least suspect, that you're gay. Kids are smart and intuitive, and in today's culture, they see gay people on TV, in the movies, on the Internet, etc. It's not the mystery it once was. When you come out to your kids (and yes, you have to do this), it could actually be a huge relief for them. Something they (likely) suspect, but is never spoken, will be made transparent. They can suddenly talk about the elephant in the room. A bit scary initially, but what a sense of freedom!

There are a lot of hateful comments in these letters (and you are not personally responsible for creating or 'fixing' the anti-gay stance of the Mormon church), but there's some good advice too. Yes, you have to come out to your kids. Yes, your wife will have to ACTIVELY deal with the fact that she (knowingly!) married a gay man. Yes, you're overweight, miserable, and in debt. All of these are things you can deal with. As one reader said, you didn't get into this mess in a day, and you're not going to get out of it in a day, either. Start making a list, and follow it. Best wishes.

I would say that you will likely avoid the level of drama at the front end, but I also believe you will experience the freedom that being yourself brings...

...in the back end.

You are going to leave your wife, no doubt, and go off on your journey to self-discovery. That will be hard for you, but it will be novel and engrossing. Your wife, on the other hand, will be left to deal with the burning embers of her married life without any obvious emotional branch to jump to.

When we explore ourselves and branch out, we tend to be very self-focused and self-involved. Please don't forget the woman and the children you are going to leave behind in all of this. Your wife made her bed (yes, to a degree), but you made promises. Life-long promises. And now you are going to break them. Whether you have good reason or not, you are going to break them and you are going to devastate a woman and two children.

I am not condemning you or saying you shouldn't find your true self. But please remember what you are leaving in your wake and take great care.