Everything about this guy screams Asperger's, the fits of anger, the seeming obliviousness to others' feelings and opinions, the lack of social graces, bad hygiene, and many others too numerous to list here. I had this guy's number from about the fifth sentence.

I hope the letter writer can find a solution with this diagnosis, but I'm puzzled as to why this individual's problems wasn't caught sooner. Asperger's is fairly obvious to most health professionals, it's been around for awhile, and I'm sure this guy has had issues with this in the past.

At a certain age, you have to let go with members of your family and let them live out their lives in whatever peace they are able to find. You simply cannot "fix" people who do not live up to your expectations, no matter how much you may love them.

Since it does sounds like your brilliant brother might have a neurological condition, as mentioned by Cary, you should consider discussing it with him. But, if he reacts with hostility, which seems likely, you have to let it go.

You are, naturally, perfectly justified in neglecting to invite him to stay in your home. He is your brother, so if he were in crisis and needed a roof, you have some filial obligation, but if he can afford a hotel, that is where he should be staying.

Your expectations of/for him should not be making you miserable.

I'll second the Asperger's diagnosis. I have some personal experience with the disorder, and this sounds just like it.

Since you're in Europe, maybe you can tell him about the local customs. People with Asperger's tend to like fixed sets of rules anyways.

Buy him a book on the etiquette and customs of the country you live in. Make it a game to see if you can pass for natives of the country.

as i was reading this letter, i kept thinking...this guy's got aspergers and sure enough...that was the first thing cary said...

This is my brother. Highly intelligent, very logical, super annoying and completely oblivious to how his actions are perceived by and impact others. My brother is (as far as I know) not officially diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, but since I decided a few years ago to treat him as if he had this condition our relationship has drastically improved. I realized it was my problem when he annoyed me, or when I was embarrassed. From what the letter writer explains there really isn't anything that bad about her brother, it seems that what's wrong is how she feels about him. It sounds like she isn't so concerned about how he is getting through life (which seems fine) but more with how his choices effect her and how others see her. Even if he isn't officially Asperger, he gets to decide how to live his life and she just needs to deal. I love my brother and when he makes me crazy I just leave the room, because it is my problem not his.

Because really, when it comes down to it, it doesn't matter what this guy has. Some of the things are real issues for a family--like not staying in touch--so why is the LW spending so much time harping on the fact that OMG he carries water bottles in his shorts and doesn't wear nice clothes? He curses casually, even at his wife? Sorry, that doesn't sound like a disorder to me, that sounds like he's broken class boundaries and someone's unhappy about it.

Get a sense of priorities, LW. His failure to shop at class-appropriate stores for clothing shouldn't even *register* next to the "not staying in touch with ailing parents" part, and yet you spent more time on those things by a long shot. That's your problem, not his. Maybe when you get over the fact that not everybody wants to live the same lifestyle you do, no matter how smart they are or where they went to school, you'll be able to have an authentic conversation with him about the rest of it.

He actually screams, "Argh!"??? You've gotta be making that up! Seriously!?!? When you jump all over his shit and nitpick at everything he does, he actually has the temerity to react to it!? He's gotta be some kind of a ... of a .... freak!

He buys his clothes at discount stores?!?!! You've gotta be effin' kidding me! God, get this guy a diagnosis, stat. And to think he doesn't ask for seconds when he's with his own family; it's almost unconscionable.

Why-oh-why would he avoid people who are embarrassed to be seen with him, who ridicule him? I just don't get it. After all, you are clearly only "making suggestions" and calling him on his stuff (here's where I say ARGH!).

Listen, lady, anybody who buys a house outright has at least a passing claim to adulthood. Maybe if you expressed some appreciation to him for who he is, how he is, then you two would get along better. Even if he DOES have Asperger's. For Chrissakes.

Then maybe you'd have a shot at being a team re: your parents. God, talk about bratty. Talk about stunted. I hope someone can get through to you.

Yup, this guy sounds like an Aspie.

My Dad is like that. I've given up trying to like him, but I still love him because he's my Dad. There's not much you can do for him if he's getting along ok in life and doesn't think it's a problem.

At the same time, you could probably bug him more about helping out your parents. He won't find it rude (really, though he may be rude to you), and it could relieve a lot of your stress. You will probably have to frame it very logically and be very practical about what needs to be done and when.

If you can get him inculcated to the idea that certain basic physical chores have to be performed around their house, he will probably do them like clockwork. Aspies are not lazy or stupid, but right now their physical needs are not even on his horizon. Don't ever expect help with their emotional needs. It just won't happen.

As for the nylon shorts and water bottle....well, as his sister you kinda just have to suck it up and deal. Sorry about that.