LW, Your husband is abusive because he wants to be. No amount of your new communication skills, understanding, etc. will change the outcome. He's abusive because he likes it. It's hard to understand an abuser unless you are also one. You see, he sees the world differently from you. You are operating under a pretext-- that he shares the same goals and plays by the same rules. But that is false. He operates only to feel powerful over others. And, btw, he believes that all people operate by his rules. Therefore, he finds you to be rather foolish and just seeks ways to take advantage of your kindheartedness. It sounds like he is also taking advantage of you financially.

Unfortunately, been there, done that. Please leave. Please find out why you are so frightened of yourself that you cling onto an abuser for an identity.

Cary's answer was good. You didn't mention any violence from this man and so probably that will not be an issue. And yes resume all the activities that YOU like and in particular the activities that he does not approve of. If he hassles you about it, tell him to shut up. In fact if he hassles you about anything, tell him to shut up. Then figure your way out of this. Life is too short for this sort of crap. You didn't mention children..so if there are none of those involved it makes it a whole lot easier. Get out. You'll feel a lot better. There are many men who are a whole lot more trouble than they are worth. Have a good flight and a safe landing.

oh, dear LW, I feel for you.

I have been there too, like so many other women.

There's your head, your heart and your gut. And learning to live with your gut is so much better. Your gut knows.

And your gut is aligned with your body.

Your body is clearly saying to you: wake up, pay attention, this relationship isn't working.

Forget the citations, abuse and sexual harrasment even rape and incest weren't recognized by our patriarchal society for hundreds of years. It was "women's liberation" movement in the 70s and women's stories and reaching out to each other that brought this problem to light. And your family history just may make you pre-disposed to choose an abuser. That was certainly true for me.

"You know before you know". I think you know and that's why you have written Cary. There's a wonderful world out there that you can have. So many other women (and a few men!) have been there and chosen to break free.

See my other letters if you want a reading list for books that really helped me to figure things out.

I'll be thinking of you.

Cary's right.

The man you call your husband is turning you into his own little "Stepford Wife" and calling the shots. He did this by his smiles, his charm, and the promises of eventual payoff..someday. When does that day come for you? Perhaps (probably) never.

Take the day back for yourself and free your soul, before he takes what little is left.

He can have what you leave behind: memories.

"Since I have been with him, I have gradually given up my passions -- "

This is a heart-breaking sentence. A marriage - a relationship - should enhance your life, not subsume it. Your marriage has buried the person you are, the person you want to be, the person you CAN be.

The other thing that stands out for me in your letter is that you're a smart woman. You know what you want for yourself, and you recognize that you're not getting it with this man.

Panic attacks and crying jags are a sign that you are, at the very least, unhappy. They are not necessarily a sign of psychological instability, despite your family history. First of all a whole lot of people demonstrate psychological instability at some point in their lives, and very often there are good reasons for it. We're all a little out-of-whack at some point or another. The presence of a family history doesn't in any way negate what you're feeling. Honestly, in the situation you describe, how could you possibly feel any other way?

Secondly, we're all influenced, for good or bad, by the dynamics of our respective families. Again, once we recognize those dynamics, as you have, its the first step to adjusting our behaviour accordingly.

Your friend's first impression was the red flag. Your husband may well love you. But this love is on his terms. It comes closer to the love one has for an obedient pet. Love should not depend on whether or not you're following his rules.

The prospect of remaking yourself is daunting. What you'll really be doing is getting yourself back - "reclaiming the me that was", as you say. You will find that the friends (and mother-in-laws) that stay with you are worth keeping, and those that don't - aren't. You'll miss your house. But in the end its just a house - and you will make your own home, as you want it to be. Your husband may have been good for you at one time, and he may have rescued you, but the longer you stay with him the smaller your life will become.

Its time to rescue yourself. You said it yourself - things CANNOT remain as they are.

A good friend of mine could have written this letter quite a few years back, except she was less clear about it than you are, and she had kids. You don't mention kids, which means you really can be free.

This will not get better. You will never fix yourself enough to make him happy. You will never do anything enough to make him happy. Nothing will ever be his fault, it will always be yours. You will spend the rest of your life hearing that "if only you would..." then he would be happy.

My friend finally left her husband. Because of the kids and his particular brand of crazy, it was difficult for quite awhile, but she has slowly regained herself, and it was all worth it -- and the kids are better off. The husband is better off too.

You don't have to convince yourself that he is evil or mean or anything in particular. If you must, maintain the fiction that he is great and loving and you are not. Just get a plan together and get out. You can work on your sanity later. DTMFA for sure.