and move out before he gets back

Honey, he's living in, but he ain't your boyfriend. Hell, he's not even a friend. He does not care two hoots about you.

Put his junk into storage, change the locks and either buy a gun or get a big dog. Or train a big dog to use a gun.

And Cary, cut the crap and give her some news she can use.

Cary, why can't we all have a friend like you? You just gave this woman the exact advice I would have. Sometimes, you sit and think, "well, in a perfect world, this would be fine, but in this world, it's a deal-breaker". Best advice in at least a week. And I'm still processing your amazing 9-11 letter to all of us beautiful losers.

Great answer, Cary, but it's Mr. Spock.

This is such a no-brainer: be gone when gets back. Better you move out and make a clean break than to kick him out, which will be messier and you'll have to continue to deal with him and his things for a while.

He doesn't love you and he vacations with other women. I can't believe anyone in your life is telling you that this is a relationship to stay with. They must have really low standards.

It's entirely possible that is indeed all as innocent as he tells you it is, on both ends, and entirely possible that nothing unexpected will happen during this visit. The fact that he's being open about it indicates that he's probably being honest in this respect.

But the fact that this bothers you and his instinct isn't to change his plans...well, that's a problem. If something he plans to do bothers you, something you have every right and every reason to be bothered about, something that would be totally trivial for him to change, he should just defer to your wishes without giving it a second thought. But he doesn't seem to be concerned that he's upsetting you.

What other feelings of yours isn't he concerned about?

You said you recently moved in together. Did you move into his place, or did he move into your place, or did you both move into a new place together?

I've never been a jealous person, but I wouldn't tolerate this. If you possibly can, get yourself out of there before he returns. Or else, if you possibly can, move all his stuff outside, and have the locks changed.

This man is not serious about you and so does not deserve to live with you, not matter how much he might have insisted. You are not a teenager anymore, don't act naive... its not at all flattering or useful for a thirty year old woman.From my accounting all it adds up to is disrespect and selfishness from this so called "boyfriend." but aided and abetted by a woman , YOU, who didn't make it quite clear that this is a painful act from a man she wants to be in a relationship with. I wouldn't even leave a forwarding address, better to just forget you ever thought so little of your own needs and feelings.

Speak up for yourself next time and you won't have to be writing letters to find out if its okay if your boyfriend spends a week with a MySpace chicklet AFTER he's already gone.

All the objective opinion in the world mean NOTHING if YOU find it hurtful.

The time to strenuously object was, um, April. When he made these plans. "Put his stuff on the sidewalk and change the locks" or whatever is frankly an absurd revenge fantasy; the guy is doing exactly what he told her he was going to do months ago, and what she had the chance to respond appropriately to at the time.

Not that this relationship is probably salvageable, but he is entitled to come home and not discover that he has to spend the night in the park. Wait for him to come home and have it out.

I have known a number of young women like this LW—-totally uncertain about how to feel, how to react, fearful of challenging their boyfriends, afraid of being called “oversensitive” or “jealous”.

This is crap. LW, you’re 30 years old, not a high school girl. You don’t need an objective opinion from a stranger. You need a backbone.

You feel what you feel. You’re allowed to feel. Don’t buy that line that this is just the way things are today. You’re allowed to be jealous and bitchy and upset if the guy you thought was your boyfriend is visiting a so-called friend. Cheaters love to use that “s/he’s just a friend” line—right before they cheat on you.

And notice that he’s putting you on the defensive by laughing at you and calling you jealous so you’ll bend over backwards to PROVE you’re not some green-eyed monster. Crazy-making.

Move out—-before he gets back. Make it clean and quick. But I have a feeling that you'll opt to be “non-judgmental” and “broadminded” and decide you really want to stay with this guy and “work things out”. If so, insist that he get tested before you start having sex with him again.

Sometimes you are waaaay out there Cary. But often, and most especially in this case, you are spot on. Letter-writer: There are men (and women) out there who will point to your very valid concerns about your own boundaries and needs and call them that thing we dread as women- "needy" "insecure" and stereotypically female. This is false. You are not being old-fashioned, needy or a nag by setting down what your boundaries are. You are saying "This is what I will put up with and no more." Some peoples boundaries are incomprehensively vast to us- I date men who are 30 year old aspiring writers (aka waiters with dreams) and truly admire their creativity and optimism...but if they are rude to a waitress in my presence they had better have cab fare to get home. I am who I am. Be who you are...and tell this asshole he should look for a new roomate on MySpace...