I hope this person listens and moves on. If LW loved N, he/she would not have cheated three times. Period.

Without drugs and alcohol, you cannot possibly remember the words to the Freedom Song.

Cary, your response was brilliant. I have been through a similar experience and it is exactly analogous to an addiction. The LW has to learn to live differently and must give up on the fantasy that one day, he and N will be together. Just like you wrote, a junkie cannot someday have a different relationship with heroin. Three years is too long. I suggest that the LW get help.

This is beautiful and right on. Especially liked the part about "the void" between perfection and what's missing.

Really, really fantastic answer from Cary. He said it all.

I too have gone through something like this, and so will offer my own personal insight.

Asking for advice from Cary betrays a mindset that there's still something about this situation you think you can control. "What can I do to get her back?" Or, an even more futile pondering, "do you think she'll change her mind?"

You cannot control this. N has made her choice. However much you love her does not matter. That's the hard part to accept. But you must. You cannot expect to move on while indulging the fantasy that some amount of time, change, atonement, whatever, will change the reality. The reality is that she does not want to be with you. Just because what you did might have triggered her desire not to be with you (it may have happened anyway), does not mean that it likewise is within your power to reverse it. It is not.

Respect her by respecting her choice. By elevating your connection with her to cosmic realms in your own head, you only reinforce your fantasy that somehow things aren't right in the world; that if she only understood, or saw things in just the right light, or felt that unexplanable pull the two of you share ... she'd want what you want. No. She is an intelligent, thoughtful person who knows what she feels. Take her at her word. You also seem to be entertaining some fantasy that her unwillingness to get back with you is about her family and friends' disapproval ... stop! By thinking this way you are diminishing her -- do you really think she'd ignore the cosmic pull because it would annoy mommy and daddy? Please. Treat her like a grown up and respect her wishes.

This is how you grow up and achieve independence. We don't grieve things because we *want* to move on; we do so because we have to. And it is heartbreaking. And so, we try to find ways to avoid it. We tell ourselves we're letting go while we secretly hold onto hope and fantasy. But you must accept what you cannot control, and accept that you cannot control this. It's over. It is exactly because this feels SO wrong to you that you must grieve it. We grieve things that we cannot make sense of, things that seem wrong, things we cannot change. That's why hope is part of grieving -- a hope that a light and lightness will come where we don't expect it, even though we feel with all our being that there's no way it will.

After 3 years you do not see how you can live a joyful life without her -- or at least not a joyful life that includes deep love. The lesson of grieving is to show us we're wrong. Face the darkness. Allow yourself to be wrong. And be patient. Pop psych teaches that we should grieve relationships in months. My own experience is that the soul mends and expands in its own time and its own way.

I've had that exact experience, right down to the psychic phenomena and the unbelievable length of time during which the obsession grew and grew and I didn't "move on."

The only thing that got me out was the realization, as Cary put it so well, that this wasn't love. It was an addiction, and the high was the best high in the world. But it also makes everything else unbearable, since nothing ever lives up to it.

Time didn't help. This was immune to time. Only when I had my revelation that I was being poisoned and that I did actually want something real did I wake up.

Haven't you hurt this woman enough? Do yourselves both a favor and move on, no matter what it takes, getting help for your oh-so-wonderful self along the way.

Cary's advice feels true. If you are lucky, this line from your letter will be, too, but you have a lot of work to do:

You are going to get better, but you are going to get better for someone else.

Hey there,

This is a public service announcement. I just typed a whole long letter then erased it by accident, but this is so important that I am going to type some of it again.

There IS a way out of this. The strategy works every single time, in this situation and others. (Pretty much any situation where there is something that you are emotional and passionate about, maybe confused about, a situation that you wish were different, etc.)

The way out is to ACT. Use all of your best faculties. This thing is very important to you, so it should get your best resources. Everything you know about life, love, and relationships. All of your values about "what is the best way to act with others." Act and TRY to make the relationship happen.

Acting is less easy than it sounds, because you have a lot of options. Do you spill your guts or use subtlety? Etc.

You have been thinking about something for years. It is no different than if you were thinking of anything else that's "big" and somewhat faraway, like climbing Everest or about how much you'd like to move to Africa. Day after day. Year after year. Do you really think that these thoughts will just "go away" (at least in any reasonable amount of time?) if you do nothing? Do you think that the person who thought of Mt. Everest every day for the last three years would just stop thinking about it? Rather, that person might do well to get on a plane and see what is there. Especially b/c it's not illegal to climb Everest, and it is not illegal to try to "charm" a person into being your girlfriend.

The outcome doesn't matter, in this situation or any other. What matters is that you, in your heart, know that you have done everything you possibly can to achieve your dreams. Note: this might not be one action but a strategy for several. E.g., "I will send up to three emails six months apart asking her to see a movie." "I will lose those last 100 lbs and quit smoking, and then ask her to see a movie." "I will try to be the best friend to her that I can be, and I will give up when she has been dating another person for 3 months or more." Specific is good. Thoughtful is good. What do you REALLY believe is the right way to act? If you don't know, get advice, read, learn, and try to figure it out.

Note that your choices are important because they also reflect/solidify your "values." For instance, if you believe that a relationship can't be built on lies, you'd do well to tell the truth in every sentence to her.

You will sleep better at night if you've acted, or if you have consciously chosen not to act. You will sleep better if you have done your very, very best using the skills and resources you have, to try to achieve your dreams. Not any action works. You have to be careful and really give it your best shot. But most of all you DO have to act.

I've been in this situation before, like I said, and the thing that got me out of it (and to a much, much better place) was to try. I thought long and hard about the best way to go about it, and then I acted. I did this a few times in a few unpleasant/emotional situations over the years. Each time, the "think then act" strategy was the right one.

Hope it works out for you.