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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
(why this horse-drawn carriage and not a modern automobile?)
Because, in the back of your mind, Cary, you're thinking about Emily Dickenson's poem Because I could not stop for Death
Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality..
What a TL;DR bit of bloviation, and all in service of a single, stupid point: You should disregard everyone else and do whatever you want.
You are married, LW. You have obligations. If you were a man, Cary would remind you of this. Your spouse is indeed a part of the decisions you make.
That doesn't mean you have to return to being exactly what you were. There will be changes. However, if you want to stay married, your spouse deserves to be included in the process.
Your family will also need to be consulted, albeit to a lesser degree. They get input, but not a vote. Still, if you want to maintain a connection with them, you need to make them a part of the process.
If you want to keep your marriage intact - and it sounds as if you do - you're going to have to involve your husband in your new life. That doesn't have to mean you can't travel at least some of the world, or some with him, and some without. I don't know about the plastic surgery, although obviously that's a personal choice. It might be a follow-up to your cancer, or you could be talking about a new nose, I don't know. If your job is hopelessly boring going back to school to pursue a new career might be a great idea. Skydiving - why not? All kinds of people do it. Insure yourself (on the off chance) and give it a try. Take your husband with you. He doesn't have to jump, but he should be involved. Tattoos - why the heck not. I got my first at 35. (Just make sure you don't put it somewhere that will be three times as large in 20 years.) Quit wasting time on friendships that have stagnated, and get out of the people-pleasing mode - sounds like a good idea at any time of life.
In the end you have to do what you have to do. Part of the worry your husband and family and friends may be feeling is that they'll lose the person you are. Change is scary, and I suspect they're scared. In the end they may never understand - how can they? - and they don't really have to. As for the sarcasm and disapproval you're getting - you aren't a child, and you have to lay down some ground rules. You don't need the approval of your family, and you don't need the sarcasm. If you have friends who are treating you this way they aren't friends worth keeping. Explain to all concerned that these decisions are yours, and your husband's to make, and if they don't approve you won't discuss it with them. And then don't. All they really have to do is let you live your life, maintain a connection with you, and be supportive - even if that means shutting up.
Some of what you want to do will no doubt affect your husband and for that reason you owe it to him to share your new feelings and experiences with him. Then you have to find a balance between what you want and what he wants. Honestly, I don't see anything appalling in the things you want to do - you're not running off with some guy you met at the circus or smoking crack - so there should be some room for compromise, on both your side and your husband's. If he's worried about the impractical and unwise aspects maybe he can give you some input on doing some of this stuff in a practical and wise way. You have to give him the chance, and you have to accept that he's scared - while not letting his fear dictate what you do.
Time is running out for all of us. You've just realized it a little sooner than some of us. In the final analysis its your life to live. Go have some fun.
Wow! Congratulations on surviving! You have a whole new perspective on life, that is a great gift.
I think you should make a start fulfilling your impulses and see how you go. You might find that in your present state of excitement, 'your eyes are bigger than your stomach', and that in fact once you start living more adventurously it might be easier to strike a balance between living life the old safe way and taking some of those risks than you might at present think.
Also, I've often found that it's not much use talking about your plans at all. Granted your husband has to be in on them, but as for everyone else - I just do what I'm going to do and it's surprising how little anyone really cares. When you tell people what your plans are they often feel obliged to have an opinion - so don't give them the opportunity. It's your life.
And so what would do if that was the case? Would you indulge yourself with the activities and sensations you always felt you were entitled to? Would you try to make your leaving a betterment in some tiny way? Most people are afraid of death. Some people are afraid of loneliness.
LW: "I want to...get plastic surgery...and get a couple of tattoos."
Before you get either of those, how about getting some taste?
Whenever you try to improve yourself, you will encounter gatekeepers: people who want to keep you as you are, who are comfortable with you and even invested in you as a failure.
If you're fat and want to lose weight you will have friends who try to sabotage you because if you were skinny and fit you wouldn't be able to eat pizza and ice cream with them when they're depressed. If you're poor, you will have friends who don't want you to get a better job because then they would have to take a hard look at their own circumstances. If you're easily frustrated and like to have screaming hysterical fights with your mother, heaven forbid you should learn to calmly say, "You know, I never thought of it like that" and not let her get under your skin. If you're a junkie your junkie friends don't want you to get clean and if you're addicted to video games your WoW clan will be very upset if you suddenly start spending your free time studying.
It doesn't matter what the issue is, there is someone who wants you to stay shitty. Usually a bunch of someones. Your old self chose these people and these relationships for a reason. They are afraid your new self will feel differently.
Before you can pass through the gate, you have to kill the gatekeepers. Not literally, I hope. But you have to let them know that the old sucky you really is going bye bye and they better get used to the idea. Truly toxic and enabling relationships need to be ended for good, but it sounds like most of your relationships are basically healthy ones, with people who care about you. Gently but firmly let these people know that you want support, and don't appreciate sabotage. Then go on your way.
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