Sheesh. It's clear the poor LW is exhausted, but is it really going to get any better if she takes a little time away?

The LW is locked in a power struggle and the only way out is to put the power in the hands of the rightful owner - her husband. Put the shoe on the other foot. Instead of spending endless hours, days, weeks, years assuring him and reassuring him that she loves him, will love him, and will never leave him, she needs to give him a little shock therapy - the truth. Which is that, if he doesn't knock it off, he truly will squelch the love and generosity she harbors for him, she will leave. If an individual is truly intent on "proving" that they are unlovable to the extent of damaging their SO, at some point the SO will have to yield for mere self-preservation.

LW, you can't fill the gaping hole in his self-esteem, and that is what you are trying to do with your assurances. I suggest that you have a frank conversation in which you explain to him the depths of your love, but that there are limitations and the biggest one is that you will not love him to the expense of your own physical or mental detriment. He needs to understand the cost of his war, and what will happen if he continues to wage it unabated. You can't hold out forever in the face of his unending sabotage, and no one should expect you to. He is inching you to the edge of the abyss to prove himself right. You could vacation for a hundred years and still not be able to healthily and happily sustain his campaign.

So give the power back to him. Make him responsible for whether you stay or go. It's the only way he'll understand that a cease-fire is necessary. He needs some serious behavior modification, which if successful will go a long way toward patching the potholes of his psyche. There are therapists and therapies that can be very helpful. Insist he try them in addition to your talk therapy.

At the end of the day, he might not be able to stop himself from destroying your relationship, but at least then the war will be over and you can exist in peace.

Good luck.

Christ, a way to respond to the disease that doesn't what? Invite abandonment? Make it toy with you? Huh? Don't get me wrong, I know all this lingo, it's just that you are trying to get it just right -- like by a hair's breadth -- so that what? Your husband will change?

Godamighty, I got tired just reading it. Stop trying to get it right and just cut loose. Seriously. Say, "Ouch, mutherf*@#&*^*" and much worse if you want to. The sky won't fall. Tell him to eff off if you want. Can't he, and the marriage, bear that once every ten years? Maybe things aren't so fragile as you think.

Dear Writer, What does your husband actually do? How do you actually respond? Your, "Ouch..." is a metaphor. It is not what you actually say to him. And Cary, what is your advice? You advised her to cut loose or detach or something? Detach from the situation? From the husband? No comprendo.

We need facts in order to give advice, but you two just weave general jargon here. I guess "The Recovery Community" will recognize your jargon, but even they will not be able to give good advice.

Are you dealing with potential suicide here, or a lack of table manners? Or? What the heck is the big change you are going through? Some of us might be able to relate to that if we knew what it is.

You probably will not get any useful advice. Maybe you do not really want help. Maybe you just want to impress other Recovery Creole speakers with your jargon. I am sorry I cannot be of real help.

Not sure what this 'ouch' business is about. The only thing I gleaned from her letter is her husband often says "You think I am an idiot" or "You think I'm crazy." The loving, supportive, and honest response is (see above) "Yes, I do, and I love you anyway." Repeat as needed. Occasionally add "and I would be devastated if you left me." He needs to know that your love is unconditional. Don't make your reassurances fact-based. "Yes, you're crazy, and I am too -- that's why we are such a great pair." Team up with the guy. Answer with your heart, not your brain. And sometimes, don't talk. Hug him or have sex with him.

delete the first 'and' please.

if your husband continues to paint himself as the unlovable victim, he can act how he wants and still not take responsibility for his actions. Conversely, if you (the LW) continue to take the blame for saying "ouch" all the time (christ), you are responsible and you should be able to fix the situation. You're both wrong and Cary is right. Disengage. It sounds like you're both having a hard time right now with a death in the family or something and life just really sucks and you would like it not to. Well. Keep wishin and prayin.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the idea here to convey "ouch"?

If he feels bad, you're supposed to make him feel better about it. If you feel bad, you're supposed to make him feel better about it. Does anyone make you feel better about anything? He's wanting you to do his half of the relationship for him. This is a confidence problem. The only way he's going to build up confidence is by succeeding at something. So when he does or says something that has you feeling bad, go ahead and say "OUCH, sweetie!", but then say "I'd feel a lot better if you would...". Maybe if he can see a clear path to a few "wins", or at least a few "saves", he'll figure out that he's competent enough to stick around, and maybe even that responsibility is less about being perfect, and more about having the cajones to clean up the mistakes you'll inevitably make.

And yes, take a vacation. The perspective to be gained from even a few days out is immeasurable. I suggest that you make sure you go with your husband, and do something FUN together. Relationships that are all about recovery and dealing with issues all the time are so heavy and oppressive; it's amazing to me that anyone is willing to stay in one.