I think she deserves to know just what kind of a jerk she's living with. I'm worried less about your motives and more about her, because she's the long term damage here.

So if you honestly want to do something for her, I say give her the information anonymously. Send it to her in the mail and let her do with it what she will.

If you sit her down to tell her, you will be forcing her to deal with the betrayal in front of someone who also betrayed her. Leave her her dignity. Give her information so she can make choices. Don't force her into an uncomfortable situation that will only compound her distress.

And that to tell her would, as others have said, really be about YOU, not her. But, I've never been in the wife's situation, and some commenters who have had said to tell her, so what do I know?

The closest I came to that situation was when I found out an *ex* friend of mine had been screwing my boyfriend (because HE told me). When I confronted her about it, she started hinting about "all the things he said about me" and that she really wanted to tell me them "because she thought I should know." I declined. First of all, why was my FRIEND talking shit about me behind my back with my boyfriend anyway? And secondly, clearly her desire to tell me these things was more about HER proving he "liked her better and didn't like me at all, nah nah nah, we laughed at you all the time, ha ha, I WIN!" than about anything related to my "right to know," which of course she didn't care about when he was still willing to screw her. Narcissism. Just walk away if you want to ever be a decent human being. Oh, and therapy.

and the cheaters who live there, methinks.

Leave them alone. You're not freeing her. You're not helping her. You're hurting her to hurt him. You can't make amends for your mistake by hurting her. You're not going to feel better if you wreck her life in the course of wrecking his.

If you need someone to talk to, find a priest or a therapist.

NO!

Just to second what some of the previous commenters have said, make sure your reasons for telling the wife are to inform her, not to get revenge on cheating boyfriend or forgiveness from her.

Make an appointment for a phone call, making sure she is free to talk. She doesn't need to be humiliated in public by meeting you, and you should not plan to be any further involved in their lives.

Don't tell your girlfriends, you don't need your dirty laundry all over town. If you must confide in someone, talk with a discreet friend who lives someplace else. I once served as that sounding board for a friend - my only job was to reassure her she had done the right thing - kicking creep to the curb.

A word of caution - if the cheating husband (or wife) have any violent tendancies, make sure you watch your back.

So you want to get revenge on your boyfriend by telling his wife about your affair because he wasn't "exclusively" cheating only with you? That's pretty pathetic when you think about it. And why would you show up at her work? What kind of drama are you looking to create in your life? Before you tell his wife, tell your friends. You don't get to go hurt his wife before you own up to your part in this. Be honest with your friends and then listen to what they have to say. If you still want to tell his wife after thant, then just send her an anonymous letter.

Then get out of town and start over.

A simple plan for what to do:

1.) Look in the mirror long and hard - for as long as you take to realize that you are as EQUALLY GUILTY of bringing this woman pain as her cheating husband was.

2.)Write her an anonymous letter about the affair. Ask for her forgiveness - but also say you will understand if she does not grant it.

3.) Seek therapy. While there, work on why you made such a dumb, hurtful choice to ruin another female's life by consciously choosing to fuck her husband.

4.) Use therapy to try to become a good person...or at least a better one.

5.) Understand that karma is pretty darn real: Someday in the future, you will fall in love with someone.

You may get married to this person - and give them your soul and everything else you can possibly offer.

And they will cheat on you - probably with someone the age you are right now.

And you will learn how this woman felt.

People who advise other people to write anonymous terrible-news letters really need to think about what that's like for the recipient. If you have ever received an anonymous letter (of any kind, never mind something containing news that's going to blow your head off), you know that it's one of the creepiest experiences of your life. I hope this LW and the many other LWs here who are advised such a thing promptly ignore it.

I appreciated being told that I had been cheated on, although it was still horrible. Many years ago, I was in a serious long-term relationship with a guy we'll call Mike. After being together for a few years, the relationship had begun to make a down-turn. We had drifted apart and weren't getting along as well as we had in the past. I knew that all was not well, and I suspected that Mike had cheated, but I had so many other things going on in my life that I was avoiding dealing with it. I figured I would deal with Mike after some of the other chaos settled down. Then I got a phone call from a young woman I had met a couple of times in social gatherings with Mike.

She just came out and said something like: "I don't know how to tell you this, but you should know that I've been dating Mike for the past 4 months. Someone told me yesterday that you and Mike have been a couple for 2 years. I had no idea. I dumped him, and I'm so sorry." Apparently, Mike told her that I was his best friend or roommate and that I was a lesbian; he knew she wouldn't go out with him if she thought he had a partner. I was not angry with the woman - it wasn't her fault she had been lied to by a very charming liar. Obviously, it was very painful to know that I had been cheated on. However, it was very validating to know that I wasn't just going crazy or imagining things those last few months. I also felt very strongly that I had a right to know the truth about my own life. I thanked the woman for her honesty and ended the relationship with Mike, painful as it was.

My guess is that LW's boyfriend's wife knows that all is not well in their relationship.

Some of the other posters say that telling the wife will do nothing but hurt her and ruin her life. That's not an invalid point, and I understand the desire to not cause her grief. But, at the same time, I think that she should be able to make an informed decision about how she wants to continue her life. And she can't do that if her life is based on a lie.