You have some serious work to do on yourself---I mean, WTF, screwing around with a married man!?

So, suck it up and start the hard work of dealing with your pain and guilt and self-loathing; start changing yourself.

Manufacturing drama with his wife is just a distraction, a way of drawing attention away from your own guilt.

You seem to be attracted by the thought that if you confess it will somehow partially absolve you or "make it all right".

But it's not that easy, chica. You need to deal with your actions in a more genuine way. Start by fully accepting what a jerk you've been. Stop making excuses for yourself or thinking that if you confess or something it will make it better somehow. And stop comparing yourself to him, making him out to be more of a sleaze than you. You guys are fully equivalent in your jerkiness, you know.

Because of course she won't believe you, even if you have a video. Which would you believe: your own dear husband, or some random trampy chick you've never seen before?

If you do meet her, you'll probably start to use something about the wife that you learn from meeting her (her looks, her disbelief) as a further excuse for what you did.

So stop. Leave. Don't contact any of them again. And do that truly courageous and scary thing: Look into yourself and deal with what you find there.

Tell her. Oh, yes, tell her.

She probably does have some clue - most of these guys leave traces. But she's in denial about the nature and extent of the problem, and likely thinks they've worked things through now. If she finds all this out, and is not utterly without self-esteem by now, it will give her the wake-up call she needs to move on.

But I don't think it needs to be in person, I think it is more effective anonymously and by letter with copies of everything you found. Because if you do it in person, it becomes you vs. him: "Honey, she is a computer-savvy b*tch who was interested in me and I wouldn't go out with her, and now she's forged all this . . . " It moves the focus from his behavior and onto your veracity. Send her an anonymous letter. Wait a while first, maybe a few weeks. Include the material, include the URLs. If you really want to be effective, include some nitpicky details of his behavior that the general public won't know. Include some details - but not enough to identify you - about what went on between you. If she's smart, she won't hand him the letter, but ask questions and let him hang himself. He'll still try to deflect it, but it will be much harder without knowing which of the women he was cheating with sent the stuff - hard to cover something if you don't know the facts you're covering.

Don't be surprised if she doesn't break it off immediately, but instead allows a round or two of counseling. It takes time to get yourself into these psychological traps of crazy-making rationalizations, and it takes time to get yourself out. But it should happen eventually. Even if it doesn't, you can feel like you did your best to help. And I would've considered it help. As it was, I eventually found a stash of evidence in a hiding place he constructed for himself.

Good luck.

Really. Apparently, he was good enough for you. The wife may be another matter, and if the situation is exactly as you explained in your letter, please do let the wife in on the secret. Follow Cary's advice though and do not confront the woman at her workplace. Letter, phone call, or quick drink at (another Cary suggestion) TGI Friday's would be best.

What if someone had told the LW many, many months ago that her BF was married. She deserved to know, right? And she would have done the smart thing and gotten rid of him.

Oh wait, she didn't. She was lonely and carried on with him and the thing that is spurring her towards the seemingly not-yet-happened breakup is that she will be moving away to college.

Sure the wife deserves to know. But do it anonymously. Maybe, like the LW, she knows or suspects and has her own reasons for staying, whether good or bad. Doing it anonymousy allows the wife to retain her privacy while she decides what to do. Doing it face-to-face (at the office!?)forces the wife to have an immediate reaction. And who knows what that would be. Maybe both women will agree that he is a scumbag. Or the wife could accuse her of seducing her wonderful husband. Or she could be devastated. Or could go into denial. Best to have that happen in private rather than in front of her husbands girlfriend.

Since Cary isn't up to it today, let me offer an analysis with an ethical framework. It's pretty simple, really: What would the Golden Rule suggest? It is the basic rule of ethics among all human cultures, however often it is ignored or overridden by arbitrary values such as religion.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is another way of saying, You should be fair to others, but that traditional way of saying it carries a somewhat heavier burden. It suggests that you should take action even when it is unpleasant, if you recognize that such action is on balance a good thing for the others affected, and the world. Said another way, that it produces good karma.

Telling the wife will produce one of two reactions.

She will say they have an understanding, she has lovers of her own, she's fine with it, and you should cherish the time you have had with her hubby. So you get a bit of enlightenment. You may also then complain that if he wasn't cheating, he was at least dishonest with you about his marital state and caused you distress according to your moral code. The couple should, and probably will, consider this. Outcome from the contact: positive all around.

Or, she will be shocked and devastated. But she will know the truth that was concealed from her and she will be able to deal with it. And you will apologize for having let it go on for as long as you did after you found out, which is atonement under your moral code. You will be more careful in the future. And the guy will be confronted with his dishonesty and will either reconcile and do right thereafter, or will be on his own to reflect on life and ethics. Outcome: painful, but positive.

So you should tell her -- gently, with a letter and an offer to meet discreetly and tell her everything.