You got involved with a guy, found out he was married, and stayed involved with him.

You don't have anybody's shoulder to cry on because you're afraid of what they'll think of you.

You also don't seem to think "the advice [you'd] give to a friend" is good enough for yourself.

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Your problem is you.

Your problem is that you got seriously involved with somebody you barely knew anything about. Then when you found out something horrible about him, you sat tight instead of doing something.

Your problem is that you think going to somebody workplace to tell them something potentially devastating might be a good idea.

Walk away.

Tell her. Or pay a PI to tell her. She has a right to know the truth about her own life.

I say this as a person in a 30- year relationship damaged by adultery. Nobody cared enough to tell me the truth.

Knowing the truth gives you the power to make choices. If the truth is hidden from you, your power is taken away.

Marriages damaged by adultery can recover. Mine is in the process. But there is no possibility of real recovery or healing if one of the partners is being kept in the dark about an important fact (like cheating).

I wish somebody had told me. I wish somebody had confronted my cheating spouse.

Not having truth readily available made the road much harder and longer.

Tell the wife. Anonymously, via email or letter mail, with clear proof. You've already screwed up, so you might as well salvage the last 5% of this entanglement in a positive way.

And then walk away, and buy an umbrella, because karma is going to shit on you for knowingly and repeatedly boning a married guy.

You are not guaranteed a specific result if you tell her. He will very likely paint you as the evil seductress which led him astray - fully knowing that he was married. He may well say that you were just seeking revenge because he broke up with you in oder to try and save his marriage. She loves this guy, she'll hate you - who is she going to believe? I don't have a conclusive answer what to do in your case, but I think you should consider that angle.

Four principles at work here:

1) The Golden Rule. Treat people the way you would want to be treated (unless you have reason to believe they want to be treated differently). If you would want to know if some scumbag asshole was cheating on you, then you should tell her. I would certainly want to know. Most people I know would rather have the truth. If you, in your heart, would want to know, then I think you are right in telling her.

2) Two wrongs **don't** make a right. Other letter writers have said that you are a cheating scumbag yourself, so you should just walk away. I disagree. The fact that you've cheated (done something wrong) doesn't take away your right to do something good. Like, telling someone that her husband may cause serious harm to her physical, emotional, and financial health in the future if he has not already done so.

3) The other Golden Rule. Would society be a better or worse place if everyone acted like you? I think society would be a better place if everyone told young, childless, probably unsuspecting wives of scumbags that they are dating scumbags who cheat on them repeatedly and seriously. Note, this might not apply to older wives of scumbags who are less likely to be unsuspecting and who have children whose lives might be destroyed. But geez, this one is so obvious.

If everyone told young, childless wives when they were being repeatedly and seriously cheated on, these wives have the opportunity to a) move onto honest men, b) learn how to recognize scumbags, c) fix their relationship while it's still early, and/or d) save their potential future children a lot of grief. A lot!! If you told, it would be pretty obvious that you were doing something good for society in general.

4) This is **not** meddlesome because you're not reporting hearsay. You are involved. You are not reporting to Ms. A that she is being cheated on by Mr. B who is sleeping with Ms. C. You are one of the people in the triangle and your information is of a high quality. If you believe it would help the wife, you have a right to tell her a fact that you have seen with your own eyes that you are unlikely to have misinterpreted.

Finally, I think you should tell in a non-anonymous way. If you write a letter, this act is attached to your name or can be traced to you. If you tell her in person, you not only be more effective and believable, but also safer from repercussions and documents describing what you've done (if you choose a safe and public setting where the exboyfriend/husband is not present).

Your motivation is irrelevant to anyone who is not you. She absolutely should have as much information as possible about this person in whom she is preparing to invest so much. If she chooses to bankroll him or allow herself to be impregnated by him after that, no one can say she wasn't warned.

do you find out all this very personal stuff by Googling someone?

That being said, I agree with Cary, although something gnaws at me in the process, and think you should tell her BUT you must be absolutely clear about your motives. Yes, then you walk away.

How do you find out all this stuff Googling someone???

Farafield, you have much to learn! It's pretty easy to find someone on facebook, myspace, even match.com. They post photos you know! On the social networking sites you can see who their 'friends' are (photos included) and the friends also leave comments. Sometimes cheaters are stupid enough to post pix of themselves out partying with others, etc. Also, i found a now-ex bf's new blog just by googling his name. Learned a lot.

I also think LW has nothing to lose by letting the wife know. It isn't about revenge -- in fact it doesn't matter what LW's motivation is. If the wife is about to pay for his education, it's better to err on the side of caution and make sure she knows where she's throwing her money.