Since there are not children involved, yet, tell before children DO get involved. Think of them. Good luck.

to read for content.

LW seems young, foolish and strongly attracted to justification for behavior that she knows has no justification.

But she is NOT a teenager. Nor did she start the affair with this guy knowing that he was married--that came over a year into their relationship, based on the information in her letter.

So far as I can tell, all of them, asshole husband, morally iffy LW, and wife, are in their early 20s. Wife is putting the AH through college at the moment. LW dropped OUT of college for two years, and is now going back, in a different location.

It's imperative that she break up sooner rather than later. Today would be great. It's imperative that she let the wife know that she needs to be checked for STDs, and that she herself do the same. EVEN IF she is disease free, the wife can't be sure that she will be.

Finally, it's imperative that she do major soul searching to figure out how she managed to justify staying with AH when she found out that he WAS married. Because there is NO justification. Some have said that she hasn't betrayed the wife. But she has. Anybody who knowingly has sex with another person's spouse, without that other person's permission, is betraying them. End of story.

...and provide unassailable proof.

People like you who reflexively defend hurtful, selfish, inconsiderate b*tches like the LW always use the same tired old reasoning:

"Everyone's made mistakes."

"We're only human"

"Gee...I'm sure they did not MEAN to devastate that other person's life!"

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Yes, we are all human - and we've all made mistakes.

But what's at issue here is not that the LW exercised poor judgement. It's that she has no remorse or guilt over her actions.

Once she found out that he was married, if she was a decent human being (i.e. if she abided by the Golden Rule), she would have dumped him.

She did not.

She made AN ACTIVE CHOICE to continue her behavior - using denial, rationalization or whatever other justification technique - even though she DAMN WELL KNEW she would be bringing pain and suffering to his wife's life.

Ever been cheated on, geekgrrl? I sure have.

And if you actually, truly, deeply love the person who betrays you, it hurts like fuckin' hell.

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So the LW is not an evil scumbag. But she choose to treat someone else - who was innocent and never harmed her - like shit, just to get her rocks off with her man.

She is by no means a good person. Hopefully, therapy will help her turn over a new leaf.

And hey. there's always karma...if she does not change, here's hoping she ends up in the wife's shoes one day. Then she would learn a lesson about poor judgement for sure.

Re: All this "You need to get tested" advice, I seem to have missed the part where the writer says that she was not using condoms or restricting their sex to low-risk activities.

Not sure of the ethics or ramifications of using your own status as a co-cheater to take revenge on a cheater but anyway ....

An ex colleague of mine found out her husband was cheating so she formed an alliance with the 'other women' and then arranged to have dinner with her husband somewhere quiet and out of the way.

She confronted him and naturally he denied everything and threw his hands up feigning complete innocence.

Slowly but surely (as had been arranged prior by wife) all the other women turned up and took their seats around the table and by the end of the meal he was surrounded by all the women and by all accounts it was an ingenious and satisfying example of revenge being a dish best eaten cold.

No doubt tell her for all the reasons you described.

regarding the "other woman"....

She is not the one who made a vow in front of friend, family and the church to stay faithful.

It's no defense for being the owner of a foolish heart (that will likely never be trusted again)but, although I can understand the anger at the other woman. After being in a triangle of women, and experiencing both sides of the fence, it always comes back to ONE PERSON. And that person is the MAN who chose to break his vows... I was not the first, if he hadn't met me, it would have been with someone else.

Ladies, do try to stick together, even if we are sometimes blind or conned and sadly wound one another... For men really are the weaker willed, and completely impulse driven.

I used to think it was a joke, that male brains do not function, when they get a hard on.. It took 40 years to realize how true that is.

I definitely agree with all those who say tell her, for the reasons that have been well-articulated here by many people (especially for the sake of potential future children!). What I do not understand are those that claim that you would be ruining this woman's life by telling her, and therefore you should just keep it to yourself. YOU would not be ruining her life by telling her; HE RUINED HER LIFE by cheating on her! You are merely the messenger (if also accomplice, but being the HUSBAND, the responsibility is overwhelmingly his), to something this woman has an absolute right to know!

I suspect you are only doing this out of a desire to punish the boyfriend/husband, and care little about the wife's financial situation. People have all kinds of relationships; sometimes they even "look the other way" because they believe deep down it is simply human nature. It's possible she's being taken advantage of, but it's between them - it's none of your business. You wanting to tell her is a selfish act and you should move on with your life. I'm not judging you for what you are doing; that's just simply what I believe.