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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
She needs to be tested, and so do you.
So why not get yourself tested before you say anything. If you can say that you're negative on STDs, you're going to spare her some of the initial freakout.
If you're going to tell her, you owe her that much for your own self-respect.
And if you test bad, then she must know in case she's planning children.
Please don't do this again. Good luck in school.
*anonymously*, along with any other incriminating stuff. People love to kill the messenger. You're also a part of her problem, but right now you just want to be a messenger, so don't expose yourself unnecessarily.
And stop it with the married men.
You are just as bad as he is. You have no standing to criticize him. And you like him, for crying out loud! You can understand why she likes him. Leave her alone and go far away, and never come back.
If his fate is to get caught, and her fate is to find out, so be it. But you are not the gods' messenger. You are just a bit player. Good luck with your studies, and with the rest of your life. May Fortune favor you.
and thought, "No, don't tell her! Are you crazy?" Then I read the letter and I changed my mind. I guess it's because everyone seems young enough to get out without major damage. There aren't any kids, either. I think you should tell her, and provide evidence, but know where the nearest exit is, if you know what I mean. And don't do it in the middle of her workday.
Break up with him, go of to college, and after a few you still want to tell his wife, write her a letter or give her a call. After a couple of months, you will have had plenty of time to start a new life in a very social setting. Who knows, by then you may not care anymore about this guy or his wife. On the other hand, if decide that you do, in fact, want to tell the wife, you will have had time to straighten yourself out emotionally, and you will have much easier time dealing with the fallout.
There is, however, one thing that you must do immediately: tell the husband that if he contact you again in any way, you will go straight to his wife. Make it clear that you mean business and that you will not tolerate him trying to convince you otherwise. For example, if even so much as leaves his number on you caller i.d. inform his wife.
There are a lot of assumptions here. You want to add snitch to your resume?
Maybe wife doesn't want to know. Maybe she knows but doesn't want details. Maybe she would like to kill you.
Telling her is about you. If you want to mess around further with the guys wife -- having already banged her husband -- then go for it. Just don't pretend it is for her. Just more you.
woops
and i like your answers, particularly the preface to this one. When people write to you that they're messed up and sad and guilty, you say so are the rest of us and go on to explain how to come to terms with it. And here where a lot of people would just say well it was a learning experience and you did the wrong thing so just move on, you're being very practical by telling the wife. If she knows and decides to still put him through school or whatever, then she's at least making an informed decision, and of course the LW does need to be careful which you also covered, so I just think you're great and the other letter writers on Salon are pretty great, and it's a good place to go when you're just so goddamned upset like I am now.
But taking revenge really isn't operating from the moral high ground either.
and has it exactly right. Perhaps you really feel guilty, or maybe you are just pissed off at him. Whatever the case, don't orchestrate a train wreck and hang out to watch the carnage. Don't call, don't confess, don't make it about you. Get the hell out and give her the opportunity to find out in an anonymous fashion. What she does with it is up to her.
I vote for you getting tested before you break up with him (and I think you should absolutely get tested ASAP). If you get good news, I vote for not telling the wife. My guess is that at some level, she already knows. If you do test for a disease, then you should tell his wife because you have good reason to contact her. However, I think it's really important that you look at what your intention is to contact her, if you test negative.
My other suggestion is that you engage in some compassionate self-reflection as to why you got involved with a married man in the first place. Good luck to you.
I've been the cheated on, oblivious wife. I'm telling you: I wish I had been told. I really, really do. I would have been devastated, but I would NOT have had a child with a man who was deceiving and disrespecting me.
I don't agree with the poster who said you should print out the personal ads and mail them--he will create some lousy excuse, and they will bond with the "someone is trying destroy us" glue.
Call her, meet with her, tell her gently and firmly. Don't keep in contact with her and prolong the drama. Give her a small shred of dignity and disappear.
Your work is done there. Bugger off, get on with your life and forget it happened. You're young, and the young are granted a license for idiocy -- call it a minor infraction. Don't overthink the situation. Truly, this is something you don't want to dig yourself in deeper with. Cary's advice encourages more gamesmanship. She might try eliminate you, stay clear of her. The guy's a piece of shite, rise above this educational moment, flee, and choose less tawdry pursuits.
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