Didn't read Cary's response--just noted that it was (as usual) far longer than your letter. But that's really the answer: you are human. Humans are absolutely capable of holding more than one thought or feeling in their minds at once, even if the thoughts are diametrically opposed to each other.

And, when, in your own words, you don't know for certain what you do want, as a human, it's uncomfortable to think that any of the options is shutting down.

I don't have any nice advice, because relationships are so fraught with change. And when you have already chosen to undo the most powerful thing that can compel people to change with, rather than away from--living with the other person--it becomes increasingly difficult to evolve together.

You WILL figure it out, and you WILL get through it. It takes experiencing life to know what the answers are, though, and you are too much in the middle right now.

Firstly, a note to Cary: I liked your response overall, but I do take issue when you write something like "how men feel" It feels limiting to men and women for different reasons. As a woman, I too share some of these feelings.

Secondly, my thought is that the LW might've unconsciously felt that he still had his wife (soon to be ex) in his backpocket and might've been enjoying the security that comes with that. I'm wondering if the LW's head and heart aren't in alignment - intellectually, he's fine with the separation but his heart hasn't yet caught up and now that his wife appears to be moving on, his heart is caught by surprise.

I do admire both the LW and his wife for trying to resolve this amicably. Sometimes, it appears easier in the short run to just cut off ties.

I got separated and then divorced. It was for the best, but when she told me she was engaged, it hurt like hell.

If it's possible for him, I think LW should tell her he's going to file for divorce. I suspect the deception about the seriousness of her relationship may come from her own grieving (even if she's deliriously happy in the new relationship) and to try to spare LW pain. But the deception's not working, so LW should let her know he knows so that they can both move on without the added weight of the lie of omission.

Cary's answer is a start, but it's limited. Your marriage is over, and the reason you feel upset now but were fine when the both of you were just "dating" is that you thought you guys were in the same place, cool with each other but unable to fork over any of the important stuff to anybody else. That was a safe place. You're not there anymore. That's a scary place.

So now you mourn your relationship for real, instead of politely. It is possible to believe that a person is not right for us and still mourn them, still want them, and still hate the thought of their being with anyone else. That might even be par for the course.

So what you do when your relationship is over and you are in pain is: don't see the ex. Every meeting is a fresh wound. Now is the time to be with your brain and heart and do the best you can to reimagine yourself singly, and not in relation to this other person. If you let yourself ruminate over whether she's thinking of you, or allow her transition to reflect on you (if she doesn't want me, I must suck), you will not do yourself any favors. Those thoughts hurt and they're not true: your marriage is over because it's over.

Just try doing those simple tasks of mental policing, for now. Part of that is controlling the urge to contact her. Basically, you have to let her go. Letting something you've loved and known so well is very difficult. But there will be a day when you are happy, and you will see that's it's okay. And probably better than okay.

Your wife has moved on. That part, Cary will tell you. What he won't tell you is what you need to do next.

Get a lawyer. Tell him you want a divorce. Do what he tells you.

Don't warn her, don't tell her. Initiative is the only thing on your side here. She may be making the same move even as you speak. If you want to hold on to any of your assets, if you want to have any basis for a reasonable future, make your move before she makes hers.

It's over. Now act in your interest. If it helps you, use your hurt as a way to make yourself do what you must. Let the hurt become anger, if you can, as long as you can keep it under control. It may be irrational, but if you can use it to get through what comes next, it may be helpful. At the very least you shouldn't close yourself off to such a feeling, if it exists.

Good luck. If you make your move now, you may manage to avoid the screwing most men take in a divorce. Don't worry about how she'll feel or about preserving a relationship with her. By the time the divorce is over, that will have died anyway, and you will regret not having taken the initiative.

When we experience loss we look so hard to find a way not to feel what we're feeling, and usually others' advice is meant to help do that. Sure, it's great to have some good friends to get you to laugh and cheer up, but sometimes the most healing thing is to just have someone behind you holding your back while you just stand and face the storm. Yes, it hurts and yes, feel it. That's the other side of love, I guess.

It seems to me the issue here isn't jealousy, it's prioritization.

Step 1 - get a divorce

Step 2 - work on your "serious issues"

Step 3 - think about dating when you're not still so emotionally involved with your wife that you wine/dine her twice a week and get jealous of her boyfriend. (your new girlfriend can thank me later)

If your relationship couldn't work when you were both still present and committed to it, it isn't going to miraculously succeed now that you're seeing other people.

Sorry friend, but it's over and you have a lot of work to do.