The LW is a female. The "friend" is male.

Why do neither the LW or Cary mention the possibility that the LW is in love with him?

I skimmed the middle paragraph too quickly.

As Gilda Radner would say, "Nevermind."

I don't think I understand this situation at all.

I thought her letter was clear that she is in love with him.

That's my vote. Take yourself out of the situation and away from him and the feelings will fade and pass and you will be able to move onward with your life. You'll never be able to do that if you're around him all day, every day.

You can do what Cary suggests, tell him you love him and/or ask him if he's got a nice friend he can introduce you to.

The other possibility is to get to job huntin' right now. Look for a new job everyday, take vacation days to go on interviews. Once you have that new job and a new goal and new co-workers you'll move on. You won't see him everyday, you won't meet up for lunch, slowly but surely all communications will fall away and you'll be free to actively go out there as much as you can, perhaps internet? to find someone who needs all your good qualities who's not married with kids.

Perhaps you may want to look into why you are finding yourself attached to an unavailable man, are you longing for that high feeling of love but don't really want to do the work?

... go ahead and tell him how you feel, sleep with him a few times and then, and only then, things will work out naturally.

You will either become totally connected and unable to seperate from him or the romantic notion of what you have will fade and reality will sit in without you even needing to try.

Have fun!

My dear LW, and my dear Cary,

What is the problem here? Something about being nice, and something about resentment or fear that somebody might conceivably have been too nice, yet everybody is too nice actually to say anything, and no actual conflict????

Not specific! What problem are we supposed to solve?

Letter Writer, please just do or not do whatever you want, or do not want to do. Make sure it is what you REALLY want to do. (snore...) What is IT, though?

I have a better problem involving somebody I adored, somebody I used to work with, though: I worry that her husband might have killed her. (Details available on request, but I probably am being silly.) Should I speak to the cops? Should I speak with the husband? THAT is a question, but what you ask isn't even a question. It reads like a dance around any actual details. It appears you are asking a ritual non-question in order to get a formulaic cliche, already-expected non-answer.

In the meantime, how can I get some murder reassurance?

One of Cary's more insightful analyses and lucid responses (drug holiday, Cary?)

One key element you seemed to overlook, however--the stressful job and how their relationship helps them survive it. How would a confession affect that?

The "friend" suggestion sounds nice, but I think it's time the writer moves on. That job has become her life and she has given over way too much of herself to it. Yes, be a little more selfish!

He's not using you for emotional support; you're using him. You're using him. And maybe it's not just him, it's all those people you "help" and listen to and empathize with. I have been on the receiving end of this kind of "help," and believe me it is horrible. It isn't true help because there's an agenda, and the agenda is to have me acknowledge what a great person you are. It's often accompanied by martyring. ("Oh, it's okay that you have a wife, I can live with that, I like just being across the desk from you. See how patient and self-sacrificing I am?") Blech.

The best definition of co-dependent I ever heard is this: someone who keeps another person weak (in need, overly reliant, etc.) so that he/she can feel powerful. Don't let everyone, including him, count on you so much. Live your own life. How do you do that? C'mon -- just join a club/gym, buy a camera, take Spanish lessons, paint your apartment.

In fact, get all of these people you have "empathized with" to help you paint your apartment. Does that idea horrify you? That you would have needs?? If so, then you definitely are the user in those interactions.

And for chrissakes, don't date his friend so you can be close to him. Date somebody in the tango class.

Call the police, let them know you believe she may have been harmed, and can they check on her at her home?

Actually dead, cremated, mourned, and buried. My question involves my adoration, her complaints about her husband, her showing up at work with her lovely face swollen and black eyes and a kooky plausible explanation... And then her death a couple years later, clobbered by a tree in a storm.

Clobber me once, shame on me... Clobber me twice... Cremate me??????????

The LW is apparently not contemplating an affair. Good news. Affairs are horror shows, all of them. However, Cary's suggestion that the LW admit her feelings to her colleague fails to account for the possibility that he may be interested in her. Usually when these boundary-testing office "friendships" between men and women arise, the attraction is mutual.

If the coworker is interested in the LW, reaching out to him may create an occasion for something to happen. I hope the LW wants to avoid this possibility.

The friendship is inappropriate. The LW should suck it up and do the man a favor: end the friendship permanently and find a new job. And next time try to avoid letting an unavailable man meet your needs. They're called boundaries.

I like Cary's response on this. It's not reactionary. It doesn't go on and on about how fucked up she is to allow this, yaddah, yaddah. Life is fucked up, get over it.

Not sure this is exactly what Cary meant, but what I get from this is: yeah, so, you've got these feelings. They're just feelings and viewed from another perspective... perhaps while being properly something-ed by the guy's equally wonderful/hot/sexy/fantastic good friend... they might not seem so scary or wrong.

On the other hand, if he's the only game in your small town, it might just be time to catch the next train out, and make it an express.

Good luck.