that should fix you right up

Your letter has no specifics, except for the fact that you never have kissed anybody. So you get no points for your writing.

This general business about depression and abuse and failure gives us no opportunity to recommend or advise. How can I give you advice if I do not even know your problem?

I am sorry you lost your job. If it helps you to feel better, please know that many wonderfully competent, experienced people have lost their jobs this year, in this poison economy. Many people who deserve jobs have no jobs now, through no fault of their own. You are not the only one.

But, if you want help, please tell us, or tell somebody, the real nitty-gritty details. What job did you lose? How crazy are you? How crazy is your family?

That said, I will kiss you, if you want me to kiss you. I can teach you how to kiss, and get you to laugh about it, and get you not to worry about it. You saying that you never have kissed anybody is the saddest part, but it is the easiest part to fix. Love and kisses! Good luck!

This letter frustrated me some. You're "marshaling your personal forces" and "not complaining" and "proactively looking for solutions" and having humor and perspective about it all.

No, no you're not. Sorry. Unaddressed abuse does not respond to self-discipline. Sorry to break it to you. It makes me sad for you that you're trying to propel forward, goddam the costs, even though you're bleeding inside. In fact, might that be what's adding more trauma?

I know, I know -- what the hell else are you supposed to do?

Well, I just don't see how you can heal without some therapy, and it's curious that you seem adamantly opposed to it. I'm not sure how it caused the loss of an apartment and job. Do you perhaps mean that, once these issues started to come to light, you felt unable to cope? Many people have to give it two or three tries before finding the right therapist. Me, I went through seven incompetent ones before I found one who really knows what she's doing.

So I'm not qualified professionally or morally to evaluate what is a bona fide problem from just being a lazy drama queen. But everyone's got problems, girl. Everyone. Everyone's been pissed on, has a drunk relative, an overly 'touchy' family member, brief brushes with the law, occasional poverty, anger, disappointment and mommy issues. "Dysfunction" is a new word for an old reality, and that reality was "How we are". If your family is the problem then screw them. If someone's beating you with a hanger do you really want their help? Or do you really really want to bash them in the face with a steam iron? I vote for "Piss off you freaks, I am outta here"

ZOLOFT.

Then, a month later, new therapist. Give it some time, and find a new one if s/he doesn't do it for you.

That said, I hope you are lucky enough to have health care that will cover either of these things!!

Good luck to you.

My life story is almost identical. When I started realizing and dealing with my past, I fell apart, because I confronted the parts that were still in the present. I probably lost my job at that point because I was so distraught and could not focus. You are in danger of that happening to you again - you have pulled yourself through to survive because your were still dependent on your parents and trying to survive their rules - finishing college, etc. You need to end this dependency on them emotionally (financially is not the point, let them help you with grad school, if it does not mean an emotional bondage to them). You might have to dissociate yourself alot more from the family, and face the consequences from them. They will suck it up if they want to be back in your life, eventually. I did not talk to my parents for months at a time, I was DEVASTATED, but they actually got back in touch.

You will stay stuck if you do not confront it all with a good therapist who can "unstick" the misconceptions you have about yourself - why you isolate yourself. I was similar - it is from low self esteem and anxiety and fear of the past repeating, and you think you deserve to be alone. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

If you need a therapist, call the local university to get recommendations for therapists in the community. This is the medicine you need, you cannot do it yourself - obviously.

If your therapist sucks, DO NOT GIVE UP. There are sucky parents and therapists, even though they are supposed to be wonderful nurturers. Find one who can help you. There is no other way. Ask a professor you trust to recommend help - it helped me get through grad school, letting them know I needed support and I went to the health center and got help. Grad school can be some lonely stuff - you will need emotional support because there is so little social structure.

This is going to take time to work through. You are amazing that you have not become promiscuous, suicidal, an addict, etc. Congratulate yourself on that and stick with it - you obviously have not given up on yourself yet, but you have hit the end of what you can do for yourself - which is survive the status quo. You deserve to LIVE and be HAPPY.

LW, your depression is just going to stand in your way until you tackle it. I hope you know that graduate school can be just as hard as the workaday world. Many graduate programs require blood, sweat, and tears, and a depressed grad student might drop out or graduate without distinction. Even if you wind up in a cushy program, you will eventually be back in the real world, where you struggled before.

It sounds like you could have used a better therapist, whether he/she gave you bad advice or triggered a flood of painful emotions. See a new therapist, and on Visit Number One, specifically mention what happened the first go-around, and how it went wrong. If the therapist is not listening, dump him or her. Repeat until you find one of the many excellent therapists out there.

It might be worth going on meds, at least initially, to give yourself added support as you work through all this.

I think that if you overcome these difficulties, your successes will take people's breaths away. You grew up in a hellish environment and graduated from an Ivy League school. Seriously, wow!