How I wish more people would do just this. I think the resulting shift in collective consciousness might cause an earthquake. Or maybe a rainbow.

:)

I'd do it in a less formal context than a letter--if you're 15 years past high school, you can probably find this person on Facebook. For something so minor and so long ago, it's already going to be touching that you remember and are taking the trouble to apologize; writing a letter (so uncommon nowadays) might elevate it into an event that's awkward for him to respond to.

But do get in touch. I still remember the day I said something racist to a half-black classmate when I was a sheltered, ignorant fourth-grader, and I've for decades been both horrified that I said it and amazed and humbled by how gracefully she dealt with it at that age. If I knew how to reach her (not on Facebook, sadly), I'd apologize in a hot second.

Yeah, agreed. Just write a letter. THe person in question might think you're nuts --they might not even remember you saying whatever you said-- but it's good just the same.

I wish you would have TOLD us what you said.

For the sake of encouraging other "I've been there" stories, I'll tell details of not one but TWO similar "I was young and stupid" embarrassing memories that still make me cringe to this day. And which I still remember with horror on a regular basis.

1.

More than 20 years ago. High school sophomore history class. The teacher, whose name I can't even remember, was somehow talking about burn victims. I think there must have been something in the news... he showed us some photos of people who'd been burned beyond all recognition, no nose no face, and we were talking about how modern medicine sometimes allowed such people to actually LIVE. I can still hear myself say it, piping up, "Gosh, I'd rather be dead than ugly like that!"

Argh.

2.

A few years later, I was living in a new town as a brand new grownup (22 or so) and I had never sent out my own Christmas cards before. Some funny coworker of mine had been learning to shoot guns at a firing range and had a photo of herself pinned to her cubicle of herself with a gun pointed at the camera. I thought this was hilarious, for some reason, and decided to IMITATE this picture for my first-ever mass mailing of Christmas cards! To grandma! To aunts, uncles, cousins, my parents old friends! Peace on Earth, good will toward men, now look at THIS, bitch! Don't mess with me!

Who knows what I was thinking. I was just beyond dumb, I guess. At the time I remember thinking it was very funny. I'm sure they thought I was over the edge psychotic.

Maybe next year I should send Christmas cards with an apology, except that I really don't remember who got this terrible picture and who got just normal cards. Plus, I would rather they don't actually remember I did this.

And, yes, please go ahead and speak to the guy. You will get a million other humans posting here, telling their own regrets. Here is one of mine:

Ninth grade, east side of Cleveland. My Lutheran high school's freshman basketball team plays a Catholic high school's freshman team. A girl I know from the other school shows up, a pretty, nice, smiley girl whom I have met, with whom I have walked home, with whom I have laughed...

So... we see one another, across a crowded gym. One of her friends comes over and says, "So-and-so says Hi!" Then! I said, "Tell So-and-so that I say she can go f*** herself."

Yeowww!!! I was 12, and I had heard my dad say this, and I thought it was clever. But, no excuse!!!! What a jerk! What a f***ing twit I was!!!

Anyway, I will think, and I will remember her name, and one of my still-in-Cleveland pals will help me find her, and I will apologize. I am sorry.

Sure, LW, go ahead and write the note, but the recipient is going to assume that either you've joined AA and are on the "make amends" step, or you are the star of "My Name Is Earl."

Or that you're an obsessive nut.

Give it up. Redeem yourself by paying it forward and be nice to someone "like" him. God knows what miserable, thoroughly intentional things he said to other kids in junior high, just like we all did.

what if you just played it straight without spending more than half of your answer telling us how you were going to play it straight? It is still just mostly about you.

Gosh, because if Cary lived by your rules, he'd be Dear Abby, or slightly better Dear Prudence, and then we wouldn't read him because he'd be boooorrrring.

I dunno. Writing the guy a letter seems kind of like stalking to me. I mean, first there's the fact that you've been obsessing about this for 15 years, and then to actually look up this guys address and write him/her a letter- how weird is that???

I mean, it happened in Junior High. I'm sorry that you feel bad, LW, and I'm glad that it's helped you grow as a person, but your "victim" has likely totally forgotten.

If you must, take the route suggested by responder and find the person through facebook. But even then you are likely to be assuaging your own guilt rather than actually helping your ex-victim.

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me. He told me about it the next day, and together we got through it. Three years later, the girl who was his partner in cheating came to me and confessed that it was her. I was put in the extremely odd position of having to tell her that 1. I already knew, 2. It was OK, she could still be in my circle of friends, and 3. She wasn't a horrible person for having done it.

What I learned from that experience is that when you are years late on an apology, it is likely to do as much harm as good.