LW wrote: I feel like it is rude for Mary to always include so many other people without asking me when I am the one who has made the invitation.

It is rude! It's beyond rude. It's arrogant, controlling and self centered.

I feel like it is rude of her to wait until the last minute to let me know when we can meet up.

I repeat, it is rude.

You need to drop this one. Move one.

She sounds like she needs to be the center of attention. Bringing 35 people on an outing sounds like a tour director, not a friend. She's using her money to buy her friends. The only reason you mentioned that these new friends of hers admire her is because she's spending money on them. there's no mention of any other qualities she might have that they enjoy.

Move one. You'll have your memories.

is so much more interesting than love, isn't it?

Mary sounds like an interesting character (and not necessarily somebody I'd care to hang around with myself), but the LW sounds like somebody I wouldn't want to be around at all.

From what I can tell, Mary went out of her way to help a friend when she (the friend) was in need, and Mary likes to invite other women to have fun with her, and treats them if they can't afford it. That was what the LW first reported, followed by the comment that she, the LW, was "in principle" troubled by Mary behaving this way toward other women (paying for them? controlling them? I'm a bit hazy).

Right at that point the LW lost me -- it's not just that she doesn't want to hang with Mary anymore (a fair point), but the judgment of Mary's motives ... well, that's rude, too.

Yeah, Mary likes to invite other people around, and she can't be trusted to show up on time. I'm not one to hang around and wait for late people, so I understand the LW's pain, but frankly, it sounds that Mary's worst offense is simply that she's flaky.

I don't know many very prompt people, alas. I wish I did, it would make my life a lot easier. But I just happen to have more than a few friends who I know can't be trusted to show up at a specific time.

So you know what I do? If I do something with them, I just work it so that there aren't specific times involved. I'll invite 'em to stop by any time on Saturday. Or if they ask me to come over, I'll come over, and if they're not there, I'll wait a few minutes, leave a message for them that I couldn't wait, and then I go.

I don't disagree with Cary's idea about putting a "fixer" memory of the relationship, but in photography, what a fixer does is remove the last of the silver from the image so that it doesn't keep developing in a bad way, and stops the image from getting fuzzy.

The LW's image of Mary is already fuzzy. If she (the LW) doesn't feel she can talk to Mary at all because she (the LW) thinks Mary thinks her life is "perfect" and won't stand to hear other comments ... well, unless the LW is withholding information from us, the LW sounds as if she's just upset that Mary doesn't do what the *LW* wants. So maybe we have two women battling over control ... of nothing.

Or it may be that Mary purposely shows up late and drags friends along because she's hoping the LW will get the message and stop calling her. That seems pretty plausible, too.

Just don't assume that Mary is any more than a fun acquaintance. Because she's not. The inviting people to an outing that you have planned is rude. But some people seriously don't understand that. My MIL is just one example. But showing up three hours late for a party for which she is a hostess, and late for dinner reservations, well that is not something that a friend does.

So. Forget the heart to heart--Mary is doing what Mary wants to do, and only when it suits her are your plans included. If she were a guy, I'd say that she's not that into you, but she's an old friend who has become significantly less of a friend. Call her when you have a few hours free, see if she's free RIGHT THEN, and if not, do something else.

Avoid making elaborate plans with her that involve timetables, because you can't be disappointed if you don't have expectations.

People rarely stop being friends in a dramatic fashion, unless they are 16 years old. It's much more common for people to grow apart, and gradually fade away. Mary is in the process of fading away for you. Let yourself acknowledge that, acknowledge the fact that it kind of hurts, and then go about finding newer friends who fit better.

What strikes me about this letter is that the LW has totted up EVERY transgression her friend has ever made, down to the exact number of minutes she was late for an occasion, the precise number of hangers-on she invited, etc. Wouldn't it be enough to give a couple of examples, then say, "This is the sort of thing that's been happening"?

Yes, except that the LW has an obsessive and controlling relationship with her "friend", which I think has caused her to act out and try to wrench herself free. But unfortunately, maybe due to the obsessive nature of the friendship, she can't just sit down with her and say, "Listen, this relationship is starting to suffocate me."

Instead, she starts putting distance between them with her behaviour: the lateness says,"I don't want to be on time because I don't really want to be alone with you", and all the extra people are dilution: padding around her, so her friend can't zero in and be so exclusive.

Yes, her behaviour loudly trumpets, "It's over". This isn't college any more, you're both grownups, and it's time to stop trying to drag her back in time. She's doing all these things for a reason, and it's time you accepted what that reason is.