I have been on both sides of this-- in my mid-twenties, when I was single and all my close girlfriends were getting hitched and dropping out of the bar/club scene, I was the last to catch on to the changes taking place. I enjoyed doing the one-on-one nature stuff, hikes, camping, lunch dates-- but it took me awhile to realize these friends were pulling out of the nightlife scene.

The problem is, when you are "completely single" time spent one-on-one with a married or significanted girlfriend FEELS like time awastin' that you should be out finding "the one."

The reason it feels like that is because the married/significanted chicks talk non-stop about their relationship life and implicitly judge the completely single girl for being on the loose. I was dating, but my girlfriends didn't want to hear about any dates that didn't have the potential of a diamond engagement ring at the end, and they didn't want me to waste time on any man who wasn't marriage-minded. It didn't matter that I wasn't yet marriage-minded myself.

So I had to find some fun-time women to have fun being single with, and I did.

Then when I met "the one" these fun-time women all disappeared from my life. I wanted to go out for coffee and nature hikes and wake up early for yoga-- they wanted to go out trawling for men and sleep off the hangover in the morning. I tried to maintain the friendships because I genuinely liked the women, but these were friendships of circumstance and convenience, as it turned out. They weren't interested in being friends with married couples doing the fifth wheel thing.

They didn't want to hear about my doings with my boyfriend-- one girlfriend went so far as to insult him regularly until I just dropped her from my life.

Luckily-- those tried and true high school friends who had married in their early twenties were and are still my good friends, because I put up with all their smug marriedness in my single days and adjusted to the lunches, the craft nights, the trips to the playground with their kids.

And now they are a great source of advice and hand-me-down toddler clothes, to boot.

Dear LW:

You don't mention your SO, how he feels about watching you being treated like an unwanted stepchild, or how he feels about being treated the same, the times you were together waiting for your friend.

I wonder what he has to say about the situation because you love him and he loves you and that should be very important to you, how he feels about this situation.

I also wonder if you have sisters or family that you have discussed the situation with and what they would offer for advice. They would know this Mary for quite a long time and might offer suggestions, and their own perspective about what's going on.

Cary's response was excellent. Decide that this is who she is, now, and leave it at that. The other responders to your letter have offered some very good advice, so I will not repeat, except to say I agree with the person who posted a suggestion to keep her around for the boring times in your life, where she can provide excitement and other people to be around, and in this way maintain a sembalance of friendship without totally prostrating yourself for her or allowing her to control you.

On the other hand, if you want to make a list and confront her with your issues, that might let her see what she is doing to you, right there in black and white. I don't see her as a person would give a damn, though.

As a woman in her 40s I can tell you that the nature of friendships shift over time. The type of very intense female friendship you remember fondly from early years, high school, college and into the 20s can't be sustained. They're also just not very appropriate for real adult life. The late-night sleepover/study session/drinking till wee hours bonding that takes place is fine when you are in grade school/high school/ college. But when real life takes over, even if you are single (I am) and things like health concerns, how to pay the mortgage, mid-career crisis, retirement funding, not to mention all the stuff that goes along with a family if you have kids and a husband become your main concern. You may have a hobby to help you relax in your minimal spare time, but spending that kind of time and emotional energy with friends just can't happen.

I think the LW is going through a bit of a maturation process and her friend is stuck, as some others have pointed out. Cary's advice is really good. Move on for now and she may eventually catch up with you. She may not, but you have wonderful memories of your friendship so treasure those.

You will always have memories, but the more they are not supplemented by current experiences, the weaker the friendship will be, inevitably. It's almost worse because now, you are close, and Mary clearly sees you as no different from the rest of her newer friends, friends who, apparently, you haven't formed any independent relationship with. That must be painful, especially since you have been relegated from a place of relative importance to just being one of the gang. Honestly, if you want to be one of the gang, then go for it to the extent you can stand it. Alternatively, you can invite her to smaller gatherings, just don't count on her showing up. At least you won't miss dinner reservations and be continually disappointed. No one needs or deserves that.

And yes, I concur with others who suspect that Mary might have a drinking problem, and that these other women are her drinking buddies. She enables them with money, they enable her by reinforcing the good times. So if that's the case, then one day, Mary might turn to you again and the friendship will evolve in yet another direction.