She wants out of the friendship. Give her what she wants.

I find myself wondering if the two women have different personality styles.

I am an introvert, and prefer solitude or small social gatherings where I know the people I'm with quite well. Large social events exhaust me.

I have friends who are extroverts, and for them friendship seems to be easy-come/easy-go--meeting new people isn't hard, surrounding themselves with others is fun, and friendship with me may not be quite as important to them as a result. Because of my introversion, I'm slow to make new friends and value individual ones very highly. But I've had to come to recognize that my more extroverted friends simply don't share that same sense--they may have dozens of friends, and often move on to new friends quite easily. That doesn't mean they don't care about me, or even care very much--it means that they derive a different energy from people than I do, and so don't prefer a few close friends as I do. They sometimes have lots of "best friends," and so don't have the same sense of what that set of words might mean to someone who prefers to care deeply about fewer people. Recognizing that difference helps me not get my feelings hurt, and thus lose the friendship that an extrovert does have to offer.

Mary sounds like an extrovert, who wants lots of people around her (and implicitly pays for the privilege!), while the LW--looking for more 1-on-1 time with Mary--sounds more like an introvert. They may be able to maintain a friendship if the LW can just let that extroversion clarify for her what Mary does and doesn't want. They may have been closer (and their friendship more what the LW-introvert wanted) in the past, but Mary seems to have come into her own as an extrovert and doesn't really want that close intimacy that introverts are more likely to crave. To the extent the LW likes being in groups with Mary, she's fine. And even extroverts sometimes like having an introvert to confide in from time to time, so if the LW can let the emotion of abandonment go and just recognize Mary as a different type of person than she herself is (or than she understood Mary to be a decade ago), they may still have occasional flashes of intimacy. Or not. But the LW needs to understand herself and her own needs too. It's likely her emotional needs are more readily satisfied by that significant other and a few close friends. Mary's aren't. So be it.

I'm with CT on this one: "fix" the friendship by recognizing what it is and isn't. And come to terms with that. You may never have what you thought you wanted with Mary--but you'll find other (probably more introverted!) friends to share that dynamic with!

Hi, my name is Marcella, I am from Italy (so pardon my mistakes) but I love Salon and its contributors.

I was very impressed by Cary's suggestion to "fix it in time": something different from "repairing it". It did remind me of my college days, when I used to read Barthes and felt fascinated and weirded out by his opinion of photography: death and eternity at the same time.

Thank you Cary, because I have learned something new today. You gave me a way to overcome my loneliness and my delusions.

I suffered from a very similar episode, but this time it wasn't a friend but a lover. And I am not going to repair what used to be.

I am going to fix it. And perhaps, my frozen moments - the beautiful ones and the bad ones - will last for eternity.

Dear LW, how can you have a happy life and still have so much time to stand around on street corners and wait in restaurants? You have a job and a good boyfriend and I assume some other friends, so look around. Are you treating them the same way you say you're being treated, just so you can be available for this person?

Quit talking about this woman with all your friends and start talking to your friends about their lives. Make plans with people who like you and will show up at the museum or hiking trail and have fun.

In an interestingly twisted scenario, you seem to be making yourself a victim so that you can feel superior to her. When you make plans, make a rule to wait 10 minutes and leave. Call her, cheerfully tell her how sorry you are she couldn't make it. Then go on with your plans or do something else fabulous. She will either be sorry she's missing so much fun and start showing up on time or you will have so much fun you don't miss her.

You don't need this friend. You need a life.

This is complex, because often we are "friends" superficially with people who are simply at the same age or status we are -- they are in the same class, the same college, the same profession, etc. -- but who we really don't have all that much in common with. In a perfect world, we would choose friends who are really in tune with our inner selves and who share our values & interests...but in reality, our friends are often just people from the same social milieu or in the same career.

A lot of TV and movies and books ("Friends", SATC, etc.) glorify the idea that our circle of friends are incredible and intense, lifelong true blue buddies and even more so, that they are our "true family", that they are more of a family to us than our biological relatives. Maybe this is true sometimes, but I think more often it's ridiculously false. Having expectations of social friendships that they will be lifelong and override every consideration/inconvenience/trauma is putting a huge load on them that they cannot possibly hold up under.

Like a few others, I think that Mary is probably jealous of the LWs happy married life, and at the same time, the LW is probably jealous of Mary's giddy social swirl, her dating life, and even more so, her high income and ability to be generous with it to her other friends. Despite claims that "you can have it all", in fact, most people do NOT have "it all", but only have some of the things that they choose. If you have a fabulous, high income career (man or woman), you usually have to sacrifice some of your personal time and personal relationships in order to put the hours in at the job. If you choose a more relationship-centered life (kids, spouse), you may have to give up a demanding career path and choose something more family-friendly.

The problem is...like everything in life, we always wonder about the path not taken, and of course, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Happily married moms wonder what it would be like to be a swinging single gal, and the SSGs wonder why they can't find Mr. Right and settle down. If these feelings are intense enough, we find outselves jealous and snarky towards our friends who have chosen a path different than our own.

If you have deep underlying common interests, you can rise above this and just find your friend's different lifestyle interesting and stimulating. If you don't -- if your friendship is shallow and situational -- you will just be irritated that they are not in the exact same path and circumstances that you are, and look (as Mary is) for any excuse to avoid or dump them. You will probably tell yourself that they are boring and not fun to be with anymore. Maybe it's true. Maybe you are just jealous. Maybe you were never such good friends to begin with.

LW -- you need other friends. It's always a risk to be dependent on just one friend -- I think most people need a circle of friends, of all different types, ages, interests. Without actually dumping Mary, you can certainly find other things to do. I wouldn't make any plans with her that involve reservations or expensive tickets, as she has shown clearly that she does not value time spent with you enough to show up for these things.

I suspect you are both a little angry at each other -- you clearly disapprove of her "single gal lifestyle" and she is probably a bit jealous that you have found a mate and settled down. It might be that in a couple of years, when Mary has a significant other, that she returns to being the kind of person you would enjoy spending time with. Or maybe not. Whatever happens, I think in this case you need to let her go and seek her own level, and YOU need to find friends who really care for you as a human being and not just people who are doing what you are doing (young marrieds, or living in the 'burbs, or working for the government). If you do, prepare to see those "friendships" evaporate when you divorce or move or change jobs.

Shallow is as shallow does. True friendships survive lifetimes -- trivial ones evaporate when you leave the room. It's your choice, LW.