Every last one of my close female friendships has imploded during my 30s. I expect my married friends to "fadeout," and indeed some of them are prone to making such insensitive comments to me that I prefer hanging out with other single women anyway. But, I have been really dismayed at the way my single female friends have been unable to prioritize friendship and to stick by each other through thick and thin. My theory is that they are unconsciously so unnerved at the prospect of spending life alone that they simply can't be good friends.

"Sex and the City" is such a wonderful fantasy of female friendship, and the hunger for that must be a big part of the show's appeal. I know I enjoyed being back with the women when the movie came out and vicariously accompanying them on their girls' trip to Mexico. I'd give my eyeteeth for a smart, practical, loyal friend like Miranda!

Yeah, reading the letter, the first thing I thought was "drinking problem." Of course, there's no evidence in the letter to back that up at all, but it remains my intuition. The pattern fits.

Rather than passing judgement on this person ("gone bad" "selfish" etc.) or even analyzing her or the situation as so many here are doing (substance abuse, stuck in her '20s, typical of what happens to female friendships, etc.), it would be simpler simply to look at the basic facts: two old friends whose lifestyles and values have diverged to a very large extent, one of whom clearly isn't particularly concerned about the other's feelings. Shared memories are lovely, so maybe the two can get toghether once or twice a decade to reminisce before going back to their respective lives, but it's hard to see the point, based on what's in the letter, of trying to continue the relationship beyond that.

As a woman in my 40s, I will share my perspective. First of all, there is no fixed rule for how or when friendships between women end. In fact, there are no fixed "endings." People I have stopped talking to in my 20s have shown up in my 40s and we have reunited, continuing the friendship as if nothing -- and of course everything -- had happened.

The same is true for people I drifted away from in my 30s. Some have already circled back, some haven't. Personally, I believe there is a beauty in all of this ebb and flow. We let people go, we wish them well, and we are pleased when there is a reconnection. I know my friends have always been grateful for our reconnections, especially when the experience is easy and without judgment.

It's not the worst thing in the world to allow for people to have their lives away from you for a while. LW, let your friend go. It sounds like she really needs to be distracted right now. In fact, she sounds a lot like someone I knew with ADD who surrounded herself with people constantly, was often late, would change plans at the last minute, and drank a lot. I'm not sayin' your friend has ADD, but it is possible that there is a behavioral or physiological or psychological underpinning to the matter that is beyond your knowledge at this point.

I suggest opening yourself up to new friends. You know, corny as it sounds, ask the universe to reveal who the next friends will be. They will come. And let this one go in peace. Who knows? In ten or fiften years, you may be friends with her again, and you will be writing in to Salon, sharing your experience with someone younger than your self.

someone refuses to acknowledge that they've kept you waiting for hours, changes plans without telling you and then gets angry with you for asserting yourself, it's unfortunately over. She's telling you that this is how it's going to be. You obviously don't like it and with good reason. You don't necessarily need to fire her on the spot, just know that the next time you two make plans together it will be this way and excuse yourself for whatever reason. Don't go away mad, just go away, take your good memories with you. It is too bad.

So Mary makes so much money that she can underwrite her friends' good times, yet she lives on a street full of crackheads and whores?

Mary is out having good times galore, but somehow LW twists this into her being troubled?

Sounds like these two have lost their friendship mojo and are riding different wavelengths through life. (And it also sounds like Mary really doesn't even want to hang around with LW anymore, but is doing this half-hearted stuff like showing up late, bringing around a bunch of other people, etc. It reminds me of the disrepectful crap guys pull when they want out but want you to break up with them.)

I wouldn't say the friendship is totally dead, because there is definitely an ebb and flow to these things, but if I were LW I'd quit banging my head against the wall. Just show up to the parties you're invited to and don't try to have a closeness that it's obvious Mary doesn't want.

P.S. I agree that Mary is partying hearty. Sober people who try to have friendships with partying people have a frustrating battle (take it from a sober person).

I'm not quite 40, but I agree with the 40-something "in the woods" -- these things circle back on themselves if they are meant to.

I have a friend who, by chance, shares my name. I've known her since the summer I was 14 (and she was 13). We were friends through high school, friends through college (even though we were in different states) and then, somewhere around age 24, we had a big blowout and didn't speak for five years. Since then, we've come in and out of a close friendship, with some times apart, mainly due -- as others mentioned --to the fact that I got married and had kids while she remains single. We have a lot of Issues in our friendship and I don't think we have resolved them yet, but even if we have several more times of drifting apart over the next decade(s), she's one of those I'm fairly certain will be around as my friend the summer I'm 74 (and she's 73).

I have another friend who was my dearest friend and, yes, drinking buddy, through college, and well after college (during those five years my other friend and I were not speaking). About 4 years ago, she moved away and for whatever reason we don't communicate at all, any more. I miss her terribly, but it's clear I've been "dumped." (She , also, is unmarried & without kids -- I don't know if this is related, but she didn't even come to my wedding!!! She was "too broke"!!). I have dreams about her regularly and her influence on my life is still palpable, today. I dearly hope this friend circles back into my life because I love her. Maybe I should reach out to her and say so. Hmm.

I have a third friend I met 15 years ago right out of college who has remained steadfast and likewise in all the time since then (even though she, too, by golly, is single and has no kids).

As "in the woods" said, part of the beauty of friendship is the ebb-and-flow of it. I am so thankful for my friends, and for my female friends, who are there (or not) through the ups and downs of romantic relationships. I know it hurts to lose a friend, or to feel she is lost, but really -- you might not have lost her. Give her some space. Accept what she offers for now and who knows what happens in a few years. Friendships are not static; relationships are not static.

(I would, however, suggest that you find a tactful and polite way to tell her how you feel, even if you're sure she will deny there is a problem. It's good to have the Official Complaint out there, just for the record, right?)