I've been in a similar situation as you, and agree with Mike B. If you'd like to continue a friendship, plan group dates.

If you seek a more one-on-one friendship with Mary, either talk with her about your concerns and express tactfully that it's not within her bailiwick to invite additional friends to outings you designed for Mary and you.

She'll either go along, argue, or slowly "lose contact" with you.

It sounds like you're growing more into who you are in your 30s, and she's hanging on to the 20s/college lifestyle.

It happens sometimes. You can still be friends with her; it's just time to set the boundaries. She's not going to change, so your new boundaries are having fun with her in a group of people.

It will be a load off of your shoulders to accept this; will free up time muddling things over, figuring out / trying to navigate the frienship, and will be the best gift you can give yourself in this friendship.

I agree with Cary - whatever the situation is, you can count on it being permanent until it is otherwise.

The 30's are really difficult for this particular generation of women. Most of us have proceeded without a map for what our lives would look like in the end for some period, and have relied-almost excessively-on our girlfriends to shore up our identity, our self-esteem, and our sense of belonging. This feels like a great coping mechanism at the time, but it doesn't tend to hold for the long haul. Any shift in status among friends can really rock the boat and make everyone wonder what they are doing.

As for your friend, I sort of see what she's doing. She seems to be afraid of being too close to you, for fear of being scrutinized. She may see herself as a significantly different person that who you originally met and became friends with. She may not want to expose herself to the wounds of an older identity.

Very likely, she doesn't see herself in you anymore. You are in a committed relationship, she is not. She makes lots of money, you don't, and moreover, you don't seem to want to make lots of money. You don't offer her any reinforcement in her identity - you may even be a threat to it. So she shirks plans with you, turns them into parties, clearly misbehaves when it comes to committed plans. I feel your pain, it happens, and it sucks.

Honestly, it is best at this age to have friends who are committed/interested in similar things (theater, knitting, singing, whatever) because you always have something to go back to, and it isn't just about being at the exact same moment in your development.

...and I say this from hard, painful experience. Why would you want a friend who essentially doesn't give a hoot about you? You're giving her (way too much of) the benefit of the doubt because of the memories you share and experiences you have in common, but she's doing everything but screaming in your face that she's not doing the same. There are way more rewarding things to do with your time than deal with crap like this--drop this ex-friend and go do those. :)

I'm a little surprised that so far no one (here, in the SYA letters!) has suggested that the friend seems to have a substance abuse problem. All the other behavior fits... but the LW doesn't mention any drugs (including alcohol) directly. Maybe I'm off base, but I thought the idea should be thrown out there. I mean, the LW plans activities that won't be opportunities for use/abuse, and the friend changes them so that they are "parties". Looking back at my own history, I think I know what that is about. Still, CT's advice is in line with that thought.

On the other hand, this letter is obviously a fake.

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Well, I can't seem to post a comment without some kind of attempt at humor. Sorry.

It seems like Mary has done some pretty shitty things, no question. But what's going on with you, LW? You sound pretty judgmental. Mary is "completely single," "trawls" for men, leaves you outside with "whores and crackheads" (or was it "crackheads and whores"?), and treats her less affluent friends out to nice evenings, which you appear to interpret as whoring, likewise.

Previous posters talking about how the post-college years are hard on friendships are right, but still. I am struck by the fact that you won't even bother talking to her about what's bothering you because you just "know" she will refuse to admit anything's wrong. Do you know that? And even if she does, do you know that she won't take in some of what you say, even if she doesn't admit it? I mean, I don't know this girl. But people who consider themselves real friends, and not just social buddies, are willing to talk about real things. Maybe Mary is treating you like a social acquaintance because you're acting like one.

She's a social connector- through her, you can meet the people who will become your real friends. I always try to keep one or two social hubs like this around- they're great for break-ups and other tough times.

As for being close to her, well, that's a bit harder. She's GOT plenty of friends, and she's obviously happy with quantity over quality. You'll be fine as long as you don't expect anything more from her than invitations to parties, and a conduit to meet other people.

My advice is, don't drop her, just change your expectations. If you're not looking for generic parties or more friends right now, politely turn down events that don't interest you outside of her presence. Then you can have a good time when you do show up, and keep a small part of her in your life.

...it can happen anytime. Experiences change people, simply put. Some things you put up with in your 20's you get so you don't feel like putting up with anymore--especially if you are the emotional "point-person" or "one who is quiet harbor while everyone else is the stormy sea."