... if she doesn't want to hang out one-on-one with her "boring," non-party-girl friend, she should graciously decline the invitations to museums and birthday dinners instead of saying yes and then passive-aggressively inviting her own buffer posse along and showing up hours late. Sheesh. There are other ways to send a "message" than acting like an a-hole.

With friends like these, who needs bad boyfriends?

Okay, LW, it sounds like there has been some egregious behavior on your friend's end. What I didn't read was that you had been very, very clear with her about what is and isn't acceptable to you.

So if haven't, I suggest that you be very clear with her and say, "Mary, if you value our friendship, you will meet with me for brunch at our favorite place ____, ALONE. There are things I want to talk with you about, and we can't do it if you are late and if you bring 20 other people with you." If she hems and haws, is late, or tries to invite someone, then I'd continue:

"Mary, I've tried to arrange times with you for us to reconnect one-on-one, but you're always late or invite other people. This makes me conclude that our friendship isn't important to you. Is that true?" You never know--maybe there's some issue from 20 years ago that's been bugging her and she never spoke up about it; maybe she thinks that she's doing you a service to get you out of your house and your boyfriend. (Not necessarily because she doesn't like him, but because us single gals like reminding our committed friends that once they had a life of their own. :) ) You'll never know unless you ask. Ending a friendship, especially a long-standing one, is deeply painful and a huge bummer. No one else will ever know you like Mary has, no one can live through those times with you again. So I would suggest that you try to be very clear about your needs, and give her a chance to respond. Then you'll have asserted yourself (which seems to be an issue for you) and you can move forward, knowing that you gave it your best shot. And then it doesn't feel quite so bad.

And thus ends my Dr. Phil moment.

I hate confrontation, ESPECIALLY with friends. It's so difficult to make yourself vulnerable in that way, and yes, the possibility is that the friendship might end. So be it, because toxic friendships are, well, toxic, and better ended. BUT I also believe that friendships can be a superfund site, and can be cleaned up. It's happened to me!

Good luck.

PS Never, ever feel like you have to wait more than 15 minutes for someone unless you're in a bookstore or cafe! :) Part of it is valuing yourself and your time as much as you value your friends'. Have you considered counselling for assertiveness and self-worth?

Your so-called friend is probably one of those charismatic types who makes friends easily, while you're probably a little more of an introvert and prefer smaller groups and fewer, but stronger friendships. A power imbalance that's kind of brutal to take advantage of in this way.

Anyways, when I confronted my friend (who had been my best friend in high school and I'd known almost 20 years) about it, all he did was act like he didn't know what I was talking about. Then he held a grudge about my calling him out on it for at least 8 months and quickly excluded me from the "inner circle", so-to-speak.

I didn't hang around any longer to find out what would happen. It was extremely painful at first, but the right decision in the long run.

Still have very mixed feelings about it to this day over 5 years later. When I find out through the grapevine that his latest busines venture has failed once again and that him and his wife haven't yet had the child they so much wanted, part of me thinks: "yup, there you go asshole" and part of me thinks "damn, that sucks.."

There's still certain songs that I'll hear today that instantly take me back to road trips in the late 80s where we listened to the same songs together.

And no, no I'm not gay

Cary,

Sign up for a refresher course on how not to overwrite.