1. Find some new friends of your own.

2. Don't hang out with the college buddy and her satellites. It makes you unhappy, so don't bother.

3. Keep in touch by phone and email. Stay friends on a limited basis.

4. Let her work this need to be popular out. It has nothing to do with you. She's probably compensating for high school. Don't interfere, but you don't have to go along.

5. In a few months, try making plans with her. If she doesn't show or brings uninvited guests, endure for the moment-- no big scene, and go back to just email and phone contact.

6. Either that will dwindle to almost nothing, or she'll want to get back to your previous closeness, and then you can say, "I'm not really comfortable in a crowd. So this has to be just the two of us." If she violates that, again, no big scene, but just glance at your watch and say that you have to go.

7. She is who she is. She's being rude, but probably it has nothing to do with you. It's annoying, but not personal. Either she'll return to the person who was a good friend to you, or she'll stay this changed way... it's not about you. Friends don't make a pledge to always be the same, to always be what you like. You don't like this new version of her, but she does, and that counts.

8. Don't be with her and the posse. It sounds awful. Friendship shouldn't make you feel lesser. So limit the friendship to only experiences (phone and email?) that feel good to you. You count too. :)

Isn't it amazing how people project themselves into these letters? Some see the LW as wronged, others see Mary as a good time and the LW as a drag. Drug problems? Psychological problems? Let's navel-gaze!

Whatever the case, the LW isn't getting what she needs/wants. Her relationship to Mary has changed, she mourns for the old relationship and the new on just isn't working for her. Fine. Happens to us all, right?

I'm not a big fan of truncating relationships just because they've changed. I've had friends drift away over the years, and in a very few occasions I've had to step back when someone was just too damaging to be with, but I've never just ditched someone. I've always left the door open. In many cases it has paid off with the friendship reviving.

Let go of all of the incidents that are poisoning you now. She is what she is. You can address all of your issues with her (tardiness, not liking large crowds) without being accusatory, but if you never directly address it, don't expect her to read your mind and alter her behavior. Be willing to give a little. If she is always late, plan for it, and meet at a coffee shop where you can bring a book, etc.

If the relationship is meant to fade, it will, but that doesn't need to mean that you have to cut her off and look back with only regret. Leave the door open. Occasional emails, a birthday card, etc. Don't demand a response, just leave the option for contact open. You and she will both continue to grow and change, and you never know if there may be a point where you end up in a similar place in your lives.

For all of the people who believe that events change and end friendships, I have to beg to differ. I've had a number of friends since high school and college that I still am close to today. Most of us are in incredibly different places in our lives, and there have been times that we've gone without contact, but by being open to change in the relationships, they've maintained.

Are you sure you aren't in love with your friend and just want her all to yourself?

If so, I feel for you. I've been there and it's heartbreaking. You will get past it, though. You need to limit your time with her for now and make some new friends...

Someone a few pages back suggested that maybe the friend is a "Social Connector" type. I think this is a good diagnosis, and maybe the friend is thinking, "hey LW just moved back to the area, I bet she'll want to meet people!" Of course there is other stuff, like the lateness and canceling plans, but I think that might be another issue.

Has the LW actually talked to the friend and told her how she feels about all the big groups? Might be worth a try. However, I'd stay away from talking to her about the "trawling" for men and the spending money on other friends. That's not really tyhe issue.

That was my letter. Thank you to everyone who responded. I really appreciate it.

For the record...

1) I am not married and I don't have kids. Nor do I have an interest in having children.

2) Due to gentrification, it is possible to spend $600k on a flat and live on a street where there are little villages of crackheads and prostitutes. The street in question is notorious for being a drug and sex spot.

3) I still like to go out at night, even dancing. I still like going for drinks. It's just that it's very boring and negative when most of the discussion centers around how much everyone wants to get laid, how this guy had a really small c*ck, how "there are just no good men", how "I can't date a guy who doesn't make as much money as me," how so-and-so is fat, etc.

4) I don't call this friend that much. Maybe once a month or every six weeks. And I didn't throw myself a birthday party. My boyfriend and I were going out to dinner and Mary wanted to come along.

5) When I make plans with Mary, it involves me taking a 45 minute train ride and walking from the station to wherever we meet up. It also necessitates that I be on the last train home, which leaves at midnight.

6) I am not trying to say that I am impoverished in the slightest. I decided to go work for the government as a lawyer. I used to work in a firm where I made a lot more money. I no longer can afford to go out for $50 of cocktails and an $80 dinner on a regular basis. However, I still can afford to go out for drinks and to more modest restaurants.

Thank you to everyone! What I have learned is to stop worrying about this. Mary and I have both changed. Maybe at some point we will be able to be close again.