So here is something that works very well for me -- take a measured approach to emotional investment. The way I read your letter, you are more invested in this friendship than your friend appears to be. Therein lies your problem. Either that, or that your friend is simply a rude and inconsiderate human being.

You can balance this disparity in investment in two ways -- either try to get your friend to be more invested, or to reduce your investment. In my opinion, the former is a losing battle. The latter is the likely workable solution. In fact, I argue that if you reduce your investment to a level lower than hers, she is likely to become more invested. I could write the whole thing as a differential equation -- creating oscillations and damping at a higher equilibriated level of investment.

Just my two cents worth.

Tend to be needy friends.

Just sayin'.

LW-

I have a friend who behaves just like yours. We've been friends since we were five years old and are now approaching thirty. While I don't have to deal with her behavior on a daily basis since we live 2 hours apart, I find it incredibly frustrating and hurtful when it does occur. Five years ago I did some major soul searching about our friendship and came to two realizations: 1. she has always been this way (showing up very late, canceling, not showing up at all, not returning phone calls) 2. This is not behavior I am personally capable of handling very well. It is who she is and I still love her to pieces but the memories of growing up together are better than the daily reality of our friendship. So after accepting that she was never ever going to change, or that she might but that it was not something I could make happen, I decided to change my attitude about the situation. Now when I "make plans" with her, I assume they are tentative and if something else comes along I take that opportunity instead because chances are pretty good that she would've canceled on me anyway (I can't tell you how many times I got ready to go do something with her and she never showed up or called.) And when she behaves as she inevitably does I don't take it personally, because it isn't about me, it is about her. I agree with Cary, the friendship that you had with her is gone. There is no need to place blame or make accusations. Just acknowledge that it is gone and work on establishing a new friendship with her that honors who you are and who she has become.

Seriously Cary, are you on something? That was just terrible advice if you could call it that.

I would try to make plans and set firm parameters (ie no other friends and please be on time). If it doesn't work that you need to let this friendship go, she might realize it and come back to you or maybe she won't. At least you tried and move on to other friends that you have more in common with.

it happens to lots of singles in their 30s. the priority becomes expanding the social network (new blood) with the hopeful side benefit of finding a significant other.

you're her friend, I'm sure she still cares about you. but if you're hooked up already then you're second on her priority list. She wants to see you, know you're well, but if she's afraid she's going to miss 'the one' when she's hanging with you then she's going to be late showing up.

I've seen this a LOT with both men and women... taking a probability approach to dating... meeting more people betters the odds, all while maximizing your time.

And then it ends up going the other way when she finally hooks up with her guy and your 1st priority becomes your kids.

There has been so much good insight and advice here (and some really bad), I might as well chime in.

First of all, have a heart-to-heart with her! People can't read each other's minds. If something is bothering you then communicate it to her! Its possible that she doesn't realize how upset you get when she invites other people and shows up late.

Secondly, accept that you and her don't enjoy the same things anymore. It sounds like you were once as social as she was (by your mention of all your common friends and events). It just doesn't seem like she has any interest in hiking, museums or intimate friendship time. You should accept that. Though it does sound like Mary is trying to run away from herself. Anyone who parties that much and spends that much money on social activities is avoiding being alone (and all the unhappiness we become aware of when the constant activity stops). She's probably avoiding being alone with you because it will force her to face herself.

If she won't give you the alone time to have the heart-to-heart then write her an honest and heartfelt email. If after that, she still won't spend alone time with you then accept that this is the nature of your friendship now. But you might be surprised when you try to reach out to her ...

Seriously. After they hit 21 and they can drink legally, most guys cease to give much of a shit about birthdays, theirs or anybody else's. Sure their are exceptions of 30, 40...the round numbers, but even then, it doesn't begin to approach the importance women seem to hold their own birthdays.

If ANYTHING bad happens on a woman's birthday, it's all over. Rain, a broken nail, traffic, an arguement, etc etc etc. All annoying things on their own, but if it happens on their hallowed day, it's as if it was the end of the world. They will be talking about it for years to come, and most likely jhold their significant others responsible.

As a result, guys are forced to pretend they care, and have to make sure everything falls into place perfectly on their gal's b-day.

What's up with that? I really want to know.