Also in my 40s and have been in the same position as the LW. Have come to some important realizations in the process.

1. As friends and friendships mature, you must accept that they change and it is unlikely that you will be a priority for that person or that the relationship will be exactly like it was. I am single and have many friends who are married or in committed relationships and I've accepted that there will be no long phone conversations or meandering evenings at home or at the mall watching movies and chatting. I'm lucky if they can manage to squeeze in a 5 minute phone call once a month between deadlines, overtime, little league games, weekends at the in-laws, and making dinner. Sometimes it's me that doesn't feel up to chatting or going on a picnic with the kids after an 80-hour work week and I'm the one who begs off (or conveniently pretends not to have received a voicemail). If we want to stay in each other's lives, we have to be willing to change our expectations and the kinds of activities or communication we're going to have. That's just the way it is.

2. That said, friendships should be about mutual respect and give and take. Any person who cancels plans at the last minute, is three hours late, or invites people to your house for dinner without telling you is not respecting you or your friendship. And that's inappropriate. You have to be willing to accept the changed nature of the relationship, but they still have to respect you, your time, and your needs. As much as I am loathe to quote him, Dr. Phil actually says something that I have found very useful, and that's this. "You teach people how to treat you." If you accept this kind of behavior then you're teaching Mary that it's okay. So, if it's not (and it shouldn't be) then don't accept it. Teach her that she cannot treat you that way. If she doesn't accept that, then there is no friendship to work with. Cherish the memories, but call it quits and move on.

As hard as it is, I have ended a number of friendships with college friends or others who showed me they no longer valued my friendship by pulling stunts like Mary's. My philosophy is that I do a good enough job of making myself feel bad, I don't need any help from others in that department. And being told (however indirectly) that my friendship is not valued makes me feel bad. I'm much better off without them.

So, cut your ties with Mary. It doesn't have to be a harsh thing. You can confront her (which may or may not be fruitful) or just stop returning her calls or accepting invitations. If the relationship means anything to her, she will want to find out why you are distancing yourself and fix it. If she doesn't, you've made the right decision. If you want to, leave the door open for her to renew the relationship if she's willing to treat you appropriately. If not, just sever the ties completely.

Does it suck? Absolutely. Can it be lonely, sometimes? Yes. But having a healthy sense of self-esteem helps. I always say that I'd rather have no friends at all than have "friends" that make me feel like crap. And now not only am I happier, I've freed myself up to pursue healthier relationships and activities with people who do respect me.

I re-read the letter three times, and I didn't see any indication that Mary and her friends spend their evenings on the town getting falling-down drunk and snorting coke in the ladies' room. Are you all just assuming that a single woman with a wide circle of friends who likes being active and social *must* have some kind of substance abuse problem, because otherwise she'd be sitting home shoveling down Ben & Jerry's, crying through reruns of Ally McBeal?

Yeah, Mary's rude and inconsiderate as far as the showing up late business goes (although some people do have laxer punctuality standards for group events). But the whole including-others issue seems way overblown. I know a lot of people with a "more the merrier" mindset who simply can't fathom not including as many friends as possible in fun activities. They think it's a good thing, not a problem. And I don't see any indication that the LW has told her that it *is* a problem - she simply simmers in passive-aggressive silence, annoyed that her friend can't read her mind.

Reading between the lines, I think LW is the one with the problem. LW clearly considers her life superior to Mary's and is put out and annoyed that Mary doesn't feel the same way.

With individual friends and couple friends.

For my husband and I, we lost touch with an entire circle of friends we'd been quite close with, when we had kids and they didn't. We kept getting invitations for a while to events we couldn't attend... swanky late-night martini parties, weekends away on short notice at expensive hotels, big group dinners at expensive restaurants where babies would be decidedly unwelcome. It didn't fit our lives, our babies, or our budget. We were suddenly interested in videos at home, in places we could bring the kids. Not having a live-in nanny (dang, forgot to hire one), we couldn't just put our kids in a kennel for the weekend with the dog and jet off to wherever.

It happens. Things change. I think some of our polite declines to invitations offended some... they thought we got boring. We probably did. Not that having kids or not having them is better or worse, or more or less important, just very, very different.

Let her go. Find other friends. Let the invitations be one-sided for a while until they taper off. It happens.

Friend invited 5 people, it's horribly rude, but did LW say hey lady what the hell do you think you are doing inviting people I barely know to my house for dinner? Or a more polite version of sorry there must have been a misunderstanding, this isn't a dinner party, I just invited you to dinner, I don't have the money or the time to cook dinner for 7 instead of 2.

No, instead she play passive aggressive time, oh no call back to tell me exactly how many are coming instead of just preparing for 5 more people, no she just cancels the whole thing and when the friend calls saying hey we're coming she says oh sorry dear, there is no dinner at all when she knew that at the very least Mary was coming. Thats not good manners either, you don't get to cry rude while being rude yourself. This LW does passive aggressive things, like waiting for 45 minutes and being pissed about it but not saying anything or accepting an invite then canceling, then wonders why Mary is taking advantage, that's just sort of human nature. People do treat you to some extent the way you'll allow them to treat you.

I just see a lot of missed communication, this happens in all relationships, words and agreements don't always mean the same thing to people who are close. Otherwise there wouldn't be a need for couples and family therapists.

We don't know if this Mary wants a buffer or if she is trying to give LW lots of opportunities to make closer friendships with her friends, knowing as she does that LW has only been in this city for 6 months and we don't know how many friends outside of Mary the LW has made.

Has Mary done things wrong, sure, flaky things, rude things, seems to be taking LW for granted, but I see no sense of malicious intent.

I'm just not buying the story that LW is right and this Mary has been the one in the wrong. I think that this friendship could probably last a long time if LW stopped being passive aggressive and instead says things like please don't invite your friends to events I plan without asking me first, please don't be late in the future because next time I won't wait for you or I feel like I can't count on you anymore because you are habitually hours late, or even asking the question she doesn't want the answer to, are you not really interested in doing things on a one on one, sober event? Maybe Mary doesn't like museums and hiking? But maybe she likes brunch?