Okay, my stuff is in reverse.

Art, drawing, painting, it's not work. It's fun, I can do it for hours and never notice how much time has gone by. I've always been praised, went to school for it, sometimes the star, won awards, got courted by colleges. I've never been drained in a life drawing class, it's more like the world disappears and it's just me.

Writing? I love reading, i love words, I admire writers. For me, it's a damn chore, I agonize, work really really hard at, literally sweat while not moving just to write a damn term paper, yet I always get good comments from professors; english and art are always the subjects where I do well. Nothing makes me more nervous than writing something for some sort of critique. Submit a drawing or painting or sculpture, no problem. no nail biting, no nervous tummy.

So my advice, do what comes naturally, where it isn't "work" to do it.

I'm not necessarily saying make a living at it, I tried to do it with my painting and drawing and it made it no longer fun and I put it away for a long time. But do what doesn't seem like if I just work really hard I'll get better and better. So write, if writing is a breeze, that's what you should work on and improve. Just leave drawing and sculpting as the thing you do when the mood strikes you.

But it paid the bills so that he could sculpt.

I don't know if this will sound familiar, but I've had some experience with what you describe.

I think Cary is onto something in making a distinction. I agree with his distinction between the art that you pursue and the anxiety that you feel. I would also offer that another distinction may be between how you perceive yourself and the things that you do. It may be that the gap between your self-perception and the activities that you engage in is what leads to the feelings of anxiety and uncertainty.

I had a similar experience, however, the visual arts were primary. It even got to be a way that others described me and in how I described myself. I felt my way through experiences with "Being an Artist" as a filter. While it was a way to receive recognition from others and a way to feel good about myself, the identification with the activity eventually led to problems.

There is no way that an activity can support the whole of a person's being. That's way too much pressure. It leads to self-evaluations such as, if I produce good art, then I am a good person. However, if I just painted something that looks like a blindfolded gibbon may have done it, then I feel like a disappointment. What was I thinking? I'm no artist. Maybe I should try writing instead.

With such a lack of freedom to create junk and so much pressure to be good, the whole activity becomes daunting. Art production stops. Then the inconsistency becomes: I am an artist that produces no art. I have ceased to be anything at all. And the cycle of shame spirals downward. Meanwhile, the creative energies are bubbling over, looking for an outlet. Other creative pursuits begin to look enticing because you haven't loaded them with the baggage that your primary passion is bogged down with.

What you might find is that your talents and passions can be channeled into many kinds of activities. You may find that you can work successfully not just in writing or the visual arts, but in all kinds of things that require creative and critical thinking.

So, the distinction to be made might be between who you are and what you are doing. To paraphrase Natalie Goldberg, speak when you speak, write when you write, and sculpt when you sculpt. No division. Just doing. Try to leave thoughts about your worth and identity in terms of what you do out of the equation. Give yourself the freedom to screw up and still consider yourself a good person.

Don't be so hard on yourself. And hang in there.

All good creative work has to have a reason for being. I'm not talking about a commercial reason or in an illustrative capacity. There has to be a conviction in whatever you're doing, an inspiration, something that needs to be expressed. There's so much art out there created with incomplete ideas. "I need to express myself" - is often heard, but never any details as to what is going to be expressed. As a self-taught painter who has not had any of the advantages of formal studies, I've been able to exhibit with my first attempts and later on to make a living with my work. I attribute it to passion and determination and not caring about 'acceptance'. I naively always believed that whatever my abilities were at any time, I was the master of what I was doing, even though when I look back at my old work some of it is pretty awful. But I did it and I showed it to the world. The next idea and process are borne out of what I'm doing presently. Desire is more important than talent. In the end the artist shares a part of themselves, creates works imbued with their heart and soul. Facility is often mistaken for talent. Desire is what drives creativity. It's being able to create for oneself. If you love something, it will resonate. Have faith. If there's something you truly want to express, you'll find the way.

Dear LW:

You've taken a great first step in writing to Cary with your anxiety and concerns. Perhaps partly what you need to do as the next step is separate out the actual making of art with your conception (or misconceptions) of what an artist is. Artists get frustrated. Artists get tired. Artists feel like frauds at times and at times feel terribly insecure. In other words, they're just like ordinary people. Except they make art.

As for the question of whether you're a writer or painter, I'd say choose something and just do it for a year or two and see what happens. A year or two is nothing in the life of a serious artist, and what you learn in one medium will undoubtedly inform the other, if and when you turn back to it.

In the meantime, if these doubts persist, see a therapist. Ask around and find one who works with creative types. It's worked wonders for me and for other artist-types I know. And good luck.