You are self-medicating for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Please find a therapist who specialises in treating this. It may not save you from alcoholism, but can help lessen the triggering episodes.

It's not rocket surgery.

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And gulp good teas.

It sounds like you're trying to do battle this by yourself - you have clearly sought help with professionals, but maybe you should consider joining Alcoholics Anonymous or some kind of support group to help you.

I am personally not an alcoholic, but members of my family are, and I can see how it can be a real life saver. And the very fact that you're seeking Cary's help because he has fought similar battles seems like you are willing and searching for people who understand all the complications and truths of your experience.

And as I understand it, AA is a group that has regular meetings around around the country so no matter where you are, you can seek out a community of people who understand what you're going through and how to help...and whom you can also help in return when you're ready.

Cary- you have a fine line to walk, and I think you did a very good job in addressing the questions, explaining a bit about how it works, keeping to the traditions and making sure your hand was there when someone reached out for it. It seems that these days many people allow themselves to be seen as a model for sobriety, which as you know, is dangerous to the whole, but you gracefully and explicitly avoided doing the same. To the man who wrote, Cary is right. There is a way out, and you don't have to live in the way you've described any more. What I hope you will experience and what I was surprised to discover was that in leaving my old life, I found my way home. We'll save you a seat.

I don't see a way out that doesn't involve your family. At least some of them (the understanding adult ones) might be a huge support in your recovery process. And as much as you think you are excellent at hiding your behavior, they may already know.

The other problem is avoiding pain. The process of therapy is often emotionally very painful, as you dredge out all those horrible things that are bugging at you, bring them to the surface to deal with them, and learn to live with them. And learn to have them not hurt you so damn much. Maybe that's not the appropriate therapy for your condition. Maybe it is, and you need to suffer through, I don't know, I'm just pointing out alternatives. But if you can do it in such a way that you don't numb the pain with alcohol, perhaps there can be progress?

Mind you, I have no experience that means I know or understand what you are going through. Just remember that those who love you can be a wonderful supportive help as you heal. Or sometimes perfect strangers can be that support.

There is hope, and it is possible to get through, and I think Cary's right, there are directions you have not tried. Good for you for asking for help, LW.

I'm not surprised by Cary's response. I think it is an excellent and careful response, and I appreciate both writers' struggles and willingness to share together.

What does surprise me is the tears that were in my eyes at the end of Cary's response.

So many of us live with constant pain, seeking ways to alleviate it (most often with whatever is closest), completely missing the reality that we are not alone.

Pain, trying to escape from it, and grief are universal. We are all full of stories. We all have our own ways of trying to cope. We're all on a journey through life.

Thank you Cary, for posting what you did publicly. It was enough to remind me that others can share with me in my own struggles, and that, even when I feel desperately isolated and alone, there are always others who have walked a path like mine, and survived.

I'm not psychiatrist, and if I were I would not make a diagnosis online after three paragraphs of text. However, if it were me, I'd be checking into bipolar disorder (maybe that's what he's already trying to medicate, though, since he does use the term "manic phase"). What about this letter screams 'PTSD' to you?

Anyway, to the LW, whatever the official diagnosis may be ... DUDE! You are trying to do this without help! And you need help. Perhaps that is the part you are having trouble with?

Therapy will be great - AFTER you're stabilized. Ask people for help. Keep asking people for help until you actually get it. I know that is much easier said than done, but you do not have another choice right now - and that is probably your unconscious intention anyway. I know you can do it. You deserve to do it, and you will do it. Do not stop asking for help until your needs have been met.

Dear Letter Writer,

From the way you phrased it, about 911 and seeing bodies jumping, I concur with the other respondent who thinks that you are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Witnesses of horrifying events do suffer from this. Witnessing such things IS traumatic.

It's perfectly understandable, with no shame attached, to have trouble recovering from the traumatic experience of witnessing such things. Many people are expected, or expect of themselves, to 'tough it out', 'move on with their lives', and 'get over it'. Not a compassionate attitude. Have compassion for yourself, even if others don't.

Many of us don't realize that we need help with grief work or trauma survival work. Sometimes, it's just not possible to metabolize such a traumatic experience without help.

I sincerely hope that you keep asking for referrals, until you find someone with whom you feel comfortable enough to do grief and trauma work. I have found EMDR to be helpful; this is often used with people suffering from unresolved trauma. There are good therapists and counselors out there, working in various modalities. Maybe CBT, or that particular therapist, were not the right match for you. There will be one with whom you can do the necessary work, so that you can recover your sense of balance and safety.

Listen to the images that haunt you, by getting help with metabolizing the trauma. You will then have greater strength for doing the work that Cary talks about, for stopping the alcohol abuse. I do not mean to imply that you can't work concurrently on both tasks during the same time period; please, do both - you need to address both so you can actually do the work. However, troubling behaviors like those you describe are often symptoms of unresolved grief and trauma, so it might make sense to find a therapist who understands trauma and grief work; then you can begin to transform those haunting images into terrible, but ordinary, memories. As memories (not raw, un-metabolized trauma that hijacks your nervous system) they won't have the same power to harm that they currently have.

Best wishes. Don't give up. You can recover and live a good life again.