Letters to the Editor
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How do you respond? Easy!
The easiest way to get out of such a situation is to say, “Thank you!” And leave it at that.
The alternative is what John D. MacDonald used to champion in his novels, when his protagonist was faced with questions…just start talking. And don’t quit. They’ll quit asking you questions or commenting soon enough if you talk about the birth, how awful or beautiful it was, etc., or a long and drawn-out story such as:
“Oh, yes. Thank you. Well, my mother was 5’2, and she was a skinny minny all her life until she had kids and then she put on a few pounds. She saw my grandmother have to deal with body issues after she and her brothers were born, and she didn’t want to have to deal with that and didn’t want me to have to deal with that, so when I was little, she started walking with me from the time I was old enough to walk, and we had some great times! This one time, I think I was about 10 or 12, we walked by this park, and it was just about day light but apparently there were these two people who didn’t know it was day light because they were kissing and I don’t remember what else they were doing but my mamma rushed me away and then shushed all my questions about S-E-X cause I kinda knew what it was…then another time, she was working out to this video? And I wanted to do it with her, but she thought I was too young to lift weights….”
And just ramble. People will quit commenting and asking you questions if you have to employ this tactic when a simple “Thank you!” isn’t enough.
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Well, first off
these are ninnies who are not worth your time. I'd smile and ignore them.
But my second thought was - STFU and quit complaining. Most of us ain't that lucky, LW, and we have to work our hips and waists every day or they have a 1:1 ratio, i.e. no waistline.
So basically they're saying you're thin. Say thanks and move on. Granted, they wouldn't say to an overweight woman "Hey, your hips are so big I'm sure the kids just slid right out!!"
But they're actually complimenting you. I wouldn't complain.
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If you're really trying to gain weight...
why are you in an aerobics class making judgments about other people's lardy asses? Is it possible you have a pre-existing Issue?
Of course you do, because virtually all women (and many men) have a major body image issue. I have never understood why it is OK to make rude comments about skinny bodies. People just don't think. But I believe the subtext is that skinny bodies belong to lucky people and therefore it's desirable to give them backhanded compliments because they need to be taken down a notch. Women are awfully competitive. Resisting the competitiveness in a physically intense, exercise-focused social context must be an uphill battle.
But your letter does seem to hint that you are rather deeply involved in the competitiveness yourself.
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Maybe not one-sided
Let's just agree the woman who told you you couldn't have given birth, even after you described the child, was nuts.
More generally, not all characteristics are created, or at least considered, equal. We think it an insult to call someone fat, but generally a compliment to notice slenderness. If these comments are taking place in an aerobics class, they seem to be acknowledging your accomplishment. I wish women weren't competitive, or self-depreciating in that way, but it gets ingrained in us from the beginning. These may just be the "I hate you, you're so skinny" comments we've been trained into.
But one line of yours bothered me, about your good fortune (by society's standards) being all genetics except for the fact that you don't add lard to your frame. This implies that you also do a fair amount of judging, just don't say it out loud. And sometimes that kind of thing may come through, particularly if people assume they might be judged, anyway.
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Say whatever the hell you want to say
You're 55. There's no permanent record to worry about. Your mom won't wash out your mouth with soap for being sassy. It sounds as if you are proud of the way you look.
So don't hold back. Say, "I've always been proud of this body and it's done everything I've wanted it to do."
It sounds as if you are hooked into other people's views of how you look, and based on your use of phrases like "packing [weight] onto [your] frame" you've made some judgments about how others should look. Why not go ahead and tell them that you think you look just fine and in fact many people around you appear to be too fat? Maybe that would make you feel a bit more free.
Everyone deals with comments about personal appearance, and many adults just choose to focus their attention elsewhere. In fact many people in their 50's haven't given much time or thought to these issues since, say, junior high.
Don't show them your stretch marks. No one is that interested.
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hard to feel a lot of sympathy
Why are you complaining? I'm 24 and you're at a weight that I could never reach without some seriously disordered behavior towards food. In our society, that is viewed positively. The woman was complimenting you, and her envy seems apparent. I think you just wanted to share this story to pat yourself on the back.
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Reading between the lines
Forgive me for reading between the lines, and possibly misreading you, but I am sensing a desire to feel superior to fat women based on your size. You keep describing the women who make these comments as fat, for example, “women who dwell in the larger sizes feel no compunction about commenting on mine.”
Then, you state that you can only control “how much lard I choose to pack on to my frame,” implying that your heavier friends are choosing to “pack on lard,” and that you are skinny because you make better choices. Finally, you fantasize about responding to comments on your size by “asking them about how they manage to look so round.”
Every woman in America is aware of a size hierarchy where thin is desirable and fat is considered ugly and shameful. Comments about your size are rude, yes -- but not nearly as rude as it would be for you to make denigrating inquiries about a fat woman’s weight. Often the comments directed at skinny people are meant to be compliments, or they come from a place of envy since it’s obvious to all involved that according to the conventions of our culture, you have the better body.
So I have to wonder what “advice” you really want here. I sense that you want validation that you make better choices than these fat women, especially since you appear to blame them for their size. And you seem to want validation that you are right to be irritated when people comment on your size as though it is weird or unnatural (e.g. questioning your ability to have kids) when you view it as a product of your superior choices. Do you want us to give you some snappy comebacks so that you can feel superior and witty?
I apologize if that was overly harsh or unfair, but let’s face it, this is not a real problem. You are thin, and sometimes fat people comment on your body. It’s a bit rude, and a bit awkward, but the fact that you gave it so much thought that you wrote a letter to an advice columnist (one that includes several swipes at fat people) suggests you have some other issues going on here.