Letters to the Editor
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I sympathize
I am a two year cancer survivor. Thankfully my prognosis is good, but the depression that I suffered during and after treatments (and continued to suffer) has been debilitating at times. I became completely disillusioned with my job, but I also cannot easily move (tenured professorships aren't easy to come by) or risk losing insurance. Everyone in my life expects me to happy about "beating the odds," but I can't find the joy I once had. Therapy and medications have helped somewhat, but I personally never found a cancer survivors group. Perhaps if you live in a metropolitan area there will be one, but the only groups I could find were for current patients and left me emotionally wrecked. Cary's advice to "check out" of the job as much as possible is good, and it would great to find something you are passionate about. That's a challenge when you've been so self-consumed (and I don't mean that as a criticism -- you have to be self-consumed to get through cancer).
You're not alone. I'm thinking of you.
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Thank you
I'm deeply moved by this letter.
And I am renewed in my determination to always vote for publically funded healthcare. When I think of the environmental causes of cancer proliferating for the profit of corporations, and yet the individual is the one who must pay ... thereby increasing profits for other corporations ... it makes my blood boil.
This letter gives me insight into what two recent cancer survivors in my family circle might be going through also.
It also gives me insight into myself in a way that's too painful to explain - but I think I know whereof the LW speaks re having to reinvent oneself.
Thank you Letter Writer.
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Look on the bright side: you might die ;)
I've never had cancer, but I have suffered from severe chronic illness, and so I understand how absolutely exhausting it is.When I'm really sick, not only is my body tired, but my brain seems to be actively defending me against involvement with anything that might drain more of my resources. So I think I know what you mean when you talk about not wanting to face looking for another job. Looking for a job is harder work than working.
As a practical matter, you're probably stuck with the job you have right now because of the insurance. Even if you can get hired, you may not be able to get new insurance or switch your old insurance. So... let's explore what you can do to make your life meaningful outside of work.
Like you, I had to give up hiking and dancing. I missed both not just for themselves but because they had such an impact on my writing - long walks were time for writing in my head, and dancing was my time for visualizing and revving myself up to the actual act of writing. I had to learn to write in a whole new way. It took me almost two years, but it did happen... I can "dance" in my head now without ever leaving my chair, and I learned to take long walks while sitting in the dark in a chair at the edge of the woods. Maybe you can do something similar to reclaim part of your lost world.
One warning: resist the impulse to discover a whole new love for delicious food. When the activities you're used to are outside your reach, it's very easy to substitute eating. (Although if you've lost a lot of weight in treatment, that might not be such a bad thing...)
I wish you all the best and I'm sorry I don't have more specific suggestions for you. I hope you figure out what your dream is and live it.
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Join the club
You've said it all and you've said it well. I'm a 15 month cancer survivor at age 40. I've got a husband and small kids and wonder what I am supposed to be doing as well. I read articles about survivors who are climbing Everest or are changing their lives and feel trapped sometimes. I have to work for insurance. It's that simple. I wonder sometimes if the reason we don't have universal health care is that the government is afraid we'd all quit working if we didn't need the insurance. The depression is real and you are not alone. Find a therapist for some short term work if you can and hang in there. There are message boards and groups, some very serious, some funny. There are lots of blogs and that is what I've found to be helpful. I'm at www.aftercancernowwhat.wordpress.com
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Another perspective...
Brain cancer killed my father.
Maybe your glass is half full.
I'd say live your life like you beat the cancer until you find out otherwise. If you want a different job go for it -- but keep your job in the meantime (or get COBRA coverage).
Good luck.
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New freedom
I'm a 15-month survivor of pancreatic cancer, age 59. I've responded well to treatment and am thrilling my doctors. I was also able to get disability, and though it is barely enough to live on, I get by--mostly by reminding myself, over and over, that I no longer have to do a lot of things I always thought I had to do. Beyond taking care of the rudiments of survival, every day is a clean slate, and I can make of it what I will, within my limits. I too get frustrated by fatigue and the inability to be physically what I once was. Sometimes it seems there are so many worthwhile things to get involved in, I barely know where to start. Friends and family have been an enormous help; they ensure that we have good times together and that none of us loses our sense of humor. I think many people have been so beaten down, especially in recent years, by a world that seems more greedy and wicked than we old hippies ever thought possible, that we are having to re-learn how to exercise freedom. But let's work hard on that--what an opportunity! Nice to share thoughts with you.