I think you need to tell her, and give her the choice whether she wants to stay with you. What you are describing could be devastating to her, especially this:

"Sometimes, I truly believe that an imagined sexual relation with a hot, beautiful model is far better than the real thing, and I have rebuffed women because they did not meet my visual standards. I truly believed and hoped all this would change through my current relationship, but it did not. I started using porn again shortly after the "honeymoon" phase of our relationship had ended and I actually dread having real sex because in my mind my partner cannot compete against what is online."

The statement above represents many women's deepest fears about pornography. At this point, you can't offer her a healthy, hot sexual relationship OR honesty. Be ready for her to leave you, then get some help. You may not be able to save this relationship, but you can decrease the pain you cause by fessing up now.

What's the big deal? Don't all men surf a bit of porn?

Your girl doesn't want to know about this any more than she wants to know about what you do on the toilet!

When I saw the title of the article I thought you were gonna say you spent $1000/month on porn... or you were getting into wierd stuff, or trying to meet people, etc. THAT would be bad.

You pal, are just a normal sad sack like the rest of us. Get over yourself and stop worrying so much.

PS: If your girl does ever walk in on you, I hope to god she's got the good sense to just act like nothing ever happened! You can't CURE porn any more than you can cure scratching your back.

Yes, I had my mystical moment at 17 (though without drugs) standing alone by the roadside high in the Austrian Alps on a sunlit evening in early summer. It has seen me through thick and thin. I used drugs for a while afterwards to try to recapture the moment, but they never did much for me.

Sometimes, I truly believe that an imagined sexual relation with a hot, beautiful model is far better than the real thing, and I have rebuffed women because they did not meet my visual standards.

What have you been smoking dude? I have the reverse "problem". I love real sex, but although I find porn somewhat amusing, I find it impossible to get turned on by porn because it lacks the taste, smells, and feel of real sex--and because it doesn't have me in it!

Of course we love to look at beauty, because it reminds us of what it would feel like to touch that smooth skin and feel the curve of that waist undulating beneath us like a rubber dinghy in a warm pool, but even if you don't like what you are looking at, you can always close your eyes.

I think Cary is right. This is not about sex, it is about anxiety. The LW is perhaps too tied up in the Ph.D. thing, the mortgage, the career, and needs some other outlet for his aesthetic urges.

On a practical level, he could try switching to You Porn, which is free of charge. This might help to reduce his anxiety.

Cary, too bad you didn't take a little more acid and go that way rather than descending into booze and speed, a truly awful drug. The experience is the thing...but I digress...

I'm so glad to see a guy admitting that HIS PORN ADDICTION IS A PROBLEM!!! Yes!! Having been through the late 60s when I had a lot of truly great sex, then 2 marriages, a long dry spell, and then, in 2000, dating again, I was shocked, shocked to find out what a problem porn has become with guys. Guys that I met through mutual friends, guys who started out funny, sweet, smart, and lots of fun, gradually morphed into perverts as the time came for intimacy. I was shocked, shocked, at the fact they were making sexual "requests" on the first or second time in bed. What ever happened to the thrill of a new body, a naked, willing, and attractive woman in bed?? Oh, they already did that at age 13??

Turns out these guys had porn problems, and were unable to enjoy sex without expecting me to act out their fantasies. Well, I don't ACT in bed; I like the Real Thing, and these guys don't even know what that is! Bottom line, the sex was awful, and I never had awful sex before. It's enough to make a good woman go celibate. If I experience this one more time, I swear I'm going to join a nunnery.

BTW, I'm now living in a village in Mexico where few families have home computers, and it seems most guys don't know porn. The young couples still make out in public, and boy, are THEY sexy! Lots of caressing and excellent kissing...that's what most women want, for starters...

American men have become so-o-o-o not romantic. I feel I will have to ask them on the first date if they are into porn, because, if the answer is yes, I am so out of there! I miss the days of real chemistry!

I think you have to tell her as well. She's going to find out eventually, and this revelation will only be the more painful for both of you the further down the marriage-and-kids road you go.

Porn is an escape for you, and its good that you realize that. We all have things we use to escape from real life sometimes - drugs, booze, food, porn, fantasy and roll-playing games, illicit relationships, romance novels - the list is endless. No surprise here - real life can be hard, painful, dull, miserable and completely beyond your control.

Porn is all about you: what you want, when, from whom, how often. The entire industry is set up to cater to YOU. You don't need to consider what the other party feels or wants, or whether she's tired, sad, not into it right now, or thinks you look like a dork in those y-fronts. You have total control. Whatever you do, say or look like your chosen fantasy woman won't care. She's all about making you happy because (a) she's pretty much whatever you build up in your imagination, and (b) she's paid to make you happy. Its her job. So it can sure be like a drug.

So now that you've realized you have an addiction you have to come clean to your girlfriend. Its only fair that she know, and she should find out from you. You're burying yourself in 'porn world' because you're unhappy in your real world for reasons only you can figure out. It appears from your letter that this started happening before your current girlfriend, and if that's the case it would be best if you made this clear to her. The porn thing may be an indication that you're having trouble dealing with life generally. Or it could be that you just can't or don't want to deal with real live people, or your girlfriend in particular. Either way therapy may well help you beat the addiction, and might help you incorporate some porn stuff into a healthy relationship with a real person.

Whether or not you want to go that route, and if you intend on sticking with this porn thing, be honest and let your girlfriend know. Even if you take the porn out of the equation you may decide that your girlfriend and you are over, or should be. But the honest thing - and the smart thing - would be to tell her.