Find a therapist who specialises in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You may think that to label yourself that way is an over-reaction, but find a PTSD specialist and let him or her decide if you are over-reacting. Ask your local mental health board for a referral. You have nothing to lose and possibly a happy, healthy sex life to gain.

If you aren't yet masturbating, start. You shouldn't be afraid of yourself, right?

I was sexually abused (I don't know when it began) until I was 12 years old by my brother and female and male cousins. Right now, I feel alone and afraid. I can't fathom the idea of having sex or becoming intimate with a man. I go through stages. I think I'm weird cause I would view porn and wonder how people could do that. How could a woman allow a man to invade her . . . I remember when I was 8 years old, and my brother attempted to penetrate me. I still have flashbacks. It horribly terrifying to think of someone doing that. I want to be healed so badly. I can't commit to anyone or anything and my whole life is in shambles. I know I have a control issue -- I self-sabotage myself because I want to do it before anyone else does . . . I'm overweight and don't think that I'm attractive or lovable. I know there is hope, and I'm hoping that hope will find me. Thank you for your article. It's nice to know that I'm not alone.

Ditto on finding a therapist who specializes in PTSD. You don't have to have been to Iraq or in Manhattan on 9/11 to have problems with resolving traumatic memories. There are some amazing treatments for healing traumatic memories these days -- I personally have had great success with EMDR, and there are many others -- and just because you don't have a wartime trauma experience doesn't mean you have to continue to suffer.

What you should probably know is that when you experience a traumatic event, especially when you are young or otherwise rendered incapable of preventing or mitigating the trauma (like a car accident, for example, or Hurricane Katrina), the event can be so intense that the natural "fight or flight" responses of the body actually short out: the neural pathways through which memories are stored, processed and integrated into the rest of our remembered experiences get flooded with these hormones and neurotransmitters and stop working normally. So what you end up with are fragments of memories that you can't really get to consciously and deal with (because they are misfiled) but are nonetheless just as powerful as if you had full command and recall of them.

Because these memories are *physically* fragmented, you can't just push them down as you might a normal memory, or necessarily deal with them just by talking: for those approaches to work, you have to have a whole memory, and the same access to it, in all its parts, that you would have to any other memory. Doing what you're doing -- trying to master it by willpower -- is almost like trying to nail jello to a tree. :)

The goal of trauma work is reintegrating all the fragments: the images, the emotions, the body memories that Cary was talking about, even the conclusions we came to as a result of our helplessness (like "I am bad," or "I am powerless,") into a cohesive whole. When that happens, a memory is just a memory. Yes, it still happened, and you may still need to grieve and work out the emotional knots, but you are no longer held hostage by memories you possess but do not control.

And when that happens, I have a feeling you'll be ripping his clothes off faster than your own. :)

Trust me, I've been there. This is curable. Don't settle for this, and don't be scared to try various therapy approaches to deal with it. Choose your therapist carefully, read what's out there on PTSD and other trauma-related disorders, and dare to begin. You won't regret it. Good luck to you!!!

First I am so sorry to hear about the experience with the pediatrician who is too despicable for words. Your letter made me want to cry. I am way out of my realm even responding because the phrase you used, what was it, a guy reaching to unbutton your jeans? Well, it sounds kind of hot to me, so clearly I have no clue what you are dealing with.

This letter is infuriating! I want that doctor to suffer! However, this isn't about the sick pediatrician, it is about you and the truth is that you have to take this on and deal with it. That doctor gave you something that doesn't belong to you and you have to give it back. You do not own this. You can be healthy and sexual and have fun all at the same time. Also, even though you did not say the Doctor was male, you must already know that from now on you can only have female doctors.

I know a few people who have been molested or sexually abused and they are promiscuous in my opinion. In fact, they are provocative and salacious. So, even though you feel trapped, at least you haven't gone off the deep end. Your body has been shutting you down. There is a way to get healthy, and enjoy yourself.

Cary said it: The issue is trust. I hope you find a talented and compassionate therapist, a loving partner with a slow hand, and that you find absolute healing. Good luck to you LW.

I agree with Woodwose - in order to effectively deal with trauma, you absolutely must find a therapist who has a great deal of experience with it, and who feels comfortable with it.

I'd also like to recommend a therapeutic modality that's rather new, but extraordinarily effective in the hands of the right therapist. I'm a child abuse survivor and a formal Clinical Psychology PhD student, so I have a whole lotta experience with therapy in most of its myriad forms, and my experiences with Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy have by far been the most gentle, effective, and rapid healing experiences I've had. I really think it's the biggest reason why I'm anywhere close to functional. I admit it sounds a bit wonky, but just try giving it a whirl with a therapist you connect well with. Best of luck.

http://www.selfleadership.org/ifsmodel.asp

P.S. I've also heard good things about EMDR, though I don't have any experience with it personally.