Letters to the Editor
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What if...
What if you are going to be single for the rest of your life? Of course the people who do that are actually a pretty small fraction of the population, so the odds are pretty low, but maybe you should start getting used to the idea. When I was 31 I found myself in a similar situation to yours. Suddenly I realized that even though I had what looked like a great life, in fact it was only a contingency plan, a time-filler until I met a husband and started my real life. Suddenly I let go of that. I started planning my career as if I would have to support myself for the rest of my life (and, on the flip side, could spend my money exactly as I pleased!). I started planning trips with girlfriends, with family. I started making active plans to go visit relatives I probably wouldn't otherwise have seen until I invited them to my wedding. I started, in effect, living the life I imagined a true adult - not someone in suspended adolescence waiting for marriage to finish her growing up for her but a true adult - would live. Sometimes I stayed in on Saturday nights! Sometimes I went out with friends drinking and meeting hot guys for fun. Sometimes I went with friends to things like the ballet where I would never expect to meet a guy. Number of months of doing that before I met the man I married 2 years later? Three.
But the key is, you can't be doing it because you think it will lead you to meet someone. I really believed I would always be single and truly gave up (not on my looks though; that's important). I decided to recognize that I had a great life, I could casually date and look sexy and have fun but I was a serious career woman with commitments to my family and friends. You have to have the absolute conviction that your life is a perfectly formed object as it is. And if *he* comes along, he's just going to have to find a way to fit. You're not keeping a place open for him. I compromised less of myself for my now-husband than any man I ever dated and he brings more to the table in both an objective sense and in terms of what I want than any of them (in fact, all of them put together). Although another key was my realizing that and being mature about what I was looking for - he wore Dockers! But it wasn't that hard to buy him some new pants.
I wish you good luck. We all make mistakes in our choices when we are dating but you really shouldn't blame yourself too much for where you are, other than maybe to learn from it. Someday when the right person comes along you'll realize it all happened for a reason. Remember the line from Simon & Garfunckel: "Let us be lovers, we'll marry our fortunes together..." That's it. Two fortunes. Together. You can seek your fortune. It won't stop "him" from finding you.
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Who wouldn't date a bald man?
I'm 38 and have been exclusively with bald men for years...not a fetish, just a preference. :-)
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Mercedes von Uppity
said what I was trying to say, but she's much more helpful, clear and articulate than my ramblings.
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Excellent Advice
Great response, Cary...perfect.
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Unfortunately
women seem to have one difficult thing men do not have.
women have that clock that keeps telling them to marry the 'right' one. what compounds this problem is that women are ALSO in a race to like themselves enough to stay ahead of that clock and not let it rule over them.
It is cliche, but you DO have to like yourself. Yourself alone. I did not believe it either. I read a lot of books, followed the advice and realized that I was suddenly in the cat bird seat-- merely by boning up on my own esteem issues.
Some women attract men like flies, effortlessly. Nobody seems to know why.
CONFIDENCE. It is sexier than any aphrodisiac, than any perfume, lingeie, pretty face.
To get confidence, you will not know how to reach this point. It will sneak up on you. But you do have to get out into the book stacks and tutor yourself in fixing your own internal contradictions that prevent you from being the crazy wild woman you need to be to find the RIGHT man.
And DO steer VERY clear of the assholes.
You seem sweet and good hearted and a bit naive. I will say, the NICE, good, kind, EXCITING men who like themselves enough to be good to themselves are not common. THE men who are like this get to pick the woman from MANY.
But you can definitely be in the running. If and only if you start with yourself first.
PS Quit the damn analysts, they only work from scripts and wrap you in a spider web of doubt that only feeds their coffers.
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@ mattielisbon
"People who have partners are always trying to tell those of us that don't that we must be flawed for wanting one. No, actually, it's a normal part of being human that we crave partnership, love, sex, companionship, that we want to share our lives.
People are always telling me that as soon as I don't "need" a partner, one will come. Well, I don't need one to survive - I've proven that. But I do want a partner, and sometimes the need for intimacy is like an ache that won't quit. And ironically other people tell me I scare off men because they see me as extremely self-sufficient.
So I can't win either way."
Amen. I get this nonsense all the time too.
And you know how they say confidence is the most attractive quality? Well, many times, and as recently as last weekend, I was told that most men would find my confidence intimidating. Er, what I am supposed to do with that information? Start acting insecure and needy?
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Make an urgent plan !!
I know lots of women in this situation, and I want to shake them and tell them to get a plan, because at 33, if you want to have a family, it's action stations. There's no time for complacency or introspection. It's ACTION STATIONS. I'm a man, but I was single at 33, and now I'm 35 and (happily) married, by doing the following - here's what I'd do if I was a single woman in my 30s:
1. Stop hanging out with married people and gay guys, as much fun as they are. Get with a scene where there are actually single, straight men around.
2. Join clubs where single wealthy men are. Normally if a guy has some money, he's less likely to have drug/alcohol problems, and he's more likely to have a stable job. Two ticks. Try golfs clubs, sailing clubs, or other such places. Not salsa!! There's too many single women there already.
3. Realise that this is a numbers game and you're going to have to take risks to achieve your goal. It's hard to find a decent single man - extremely hard - so you have to maximise your chances. Learn "day game" from pick-up artist websites. Yes, these are for men, but the less aggressive techniques work for women too - mostly it's just a way to get a conversation going. You'll learn how to create attraction quickly, and escalate. That can be handy at say, a coffe shop or anywhere. It will let you be ready to meet a single man anywhere, anytime.
4. Do internet dating. I met my wife because she initiated contact with me on a dating website.
5. Read Jay Wiseman's "SM101" book and work out if you are a dominant or submissive - it's a liberating thing to know (just to know, not to do, unless you feel like it). If you're a "dom" you will know that you're looking for a "sub" man, or vice versa. All human relationships depend on polarities to create attraction. According to this theory, a dom should not be with a dom, nor a sub with a sub.
6. Make it a priority to try to date at least 3 different single men each week - yes, that's at least 12 per month - whether it be a 30 minute coffee, or something more. That gets you into a rythmn. You won't care so much about the outcome of the date, because you've got another one tomorrow. The first few can be hard but you'll become more attractive through the confidence that this system gives. Then when attraction happens (because it will, eventually) you're in the best frame of mind to take advantage and roll with it.
6. Forget psychotherapy. You just need to meet more single straight men, and make them attracted to you, and then choose the one you're most compatible with. Your attention should be devoted to that as though it is a job.
Good luck.