Perspective, and no cliches.

Signed,

Ran away to be a crazy woman

How serious were you about this guy who went back to his ex? You write that you were "keeping casual, and not being clingy, needy, etc." Were you covering up how much you cared, not being honest with him about your real feelings? (Guys need to feel needed, too, you know.) Or did you actually feel casual about him, and losing him is really more an annoying inconvenience than a heartbreak?

33 is way too young to give up. Keep accepting those blind date setups. Keep following your own true interests, where good guys may show up. (Join the Obama campaign.)

The best single tip to expediting your search is to get really real about what you want and how you feel about each man you encounter. Don't kill time with a guy you feel only casual about anyway. Don't pretend you're casual if your heart is crying out "I love you!" And one more thing from lots o' experience: Automatically screen out druggies and drinkers if you're not one yourself -- from day one they are an utter waste of time.

And don't get too jealous of your married friends. The truth of people's marriages is not so pretty as it seems.

When I was in this particular stage of life, I had many of the same fears and doubts as the letter writer.

Who knows why things happen the way they do?

The best searching-for-love book I ever read was If the Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl. Disclaimer-- it is a new-agey relatioship NOT a book about Buddhism. You have to know what it is if you are going to get anything useful from it and not be distracted by Kasl's hodge podge spiritual philosophy.

After reading it, I casually dated, made a lot of great platonic friends and lived my life for a good five years before I started dating the guy I eventually married. And in the early days of our relationship, the book's philosophy helped me keep a healthy perspective on things.

As for getting over the guy(s) who hurt you-- my sister recently enjoyed a flip, funny breakup book called "Its Called a Break Up Because it's Broken" by Greg Behrendt (the guy who wrote "He's Just Not that Into You." She said fer sure she couldn't have enjoyed it had she still been raw from the heartbreak, but after nine months or so, it helped her move on, gain perspective and stop being attached to the memories of a relationship that her despicable ex bf had long since abandoned and moved on from.

Whatever you are doing right now, it's just you living your real life. It's not a waiting room so don't treat it like one.

Someone wise once informed me of the obvious - that every relationship I'll ever have will end, and that even if I get married, I'll only have a 50% shot of "til death do you part".

After I got over the shock, that tidbit of information changed my world view. It made me look at relationships in a completely different way. I no longer cling to bad relationships - it's easier to end something sooner when you know the end will come eventually. The more aware you are, and the more bad relationships you end, the easier it is to recognize the good ones. And, most importantly, the more willing you are to let something go if it doesn't work, the more able you are to relax and enjoy what's happening as it happens.

I hate to criticize, but there is more than a hint of desperation in your letter - you really want to find "the one" and settle down. And if I'm getting that from your letter, the men you meet must be getting hit over the head with it. It's a quality that repels healthy, sane and normal men like a festering cold sore. To the broken and the damned, however, desperation is pure catnip. You're one of the ones who will put up with ever increasing loads of unacceptable behavior simply because you want a relationship.

LW, you haven't had many relationships - only two significant, long-term boyfriends by the terms of your letter. It seems like you would benefit from dating more men for shorter periods. Discover what you truly want in a partner. You especially need to learn what your deal breakers are, because until now, you haven't had any - you've accepted all sorts of crap until even the one dishing it out grew weary of it and dumped you. Don't look at every relationship like it could be the one. Look at every relationship like it's going to end and aim to find out what you really like about it while it lasts.

When you've accomplished those goals, you'll be ready for a long term relationship. And that's about when the right one will arrive.

Good luck!

33 is way too young to throw in the towel. I understand -- you're lonely, and that's not easy. But 33? Believe me, there is no need to panic.

You don't say if marriage is what you are looking for but I suspect it is. And that is fine. It's OK to say so and look for a partner with similar goals. I think women in this generation have been told they don't "need" a man which they take to mean they shouldn't admit that they would like to have a partner to raise a family, etc.

I too had a boyfriend break up with me "out of the blue" when I was your age and I was devastated. He married a paralegal in his firm 8 months later. I didn't date for seven years after that because I thought that if he rejected me I must not be worth anyone else's attention. In hindsight it was not an intimate relationship and I'm so glad we did not end up together.

It took lots of therapy for me to realize what I really wanted and to be more willing to actively search for companionship.

I ended up meeting a man at work who had similar goals to mine regarding our relationship and we became engaged 2 months after our first date. He is 22 years older than I am which horrified my mother (and others) but it's better than any relationship I could have imagined.

Good luck. Keep going after what you want!