at Starbucks or Barnes and Noble to get out of the house once in awhile.

Terrified of having no schedule and no deadlines and thus no externally enforced writing discipline,

You have to make yourself a schedule and make yourself stick to it. This is a make or break issue for someone trying to finish a book.

You can start small -- perhaps make yourself finish one paragraph a day for a few days.

Hopefully what you're writing interests YOU so much that after a day or two, you'll no longer be satisfied with just one paragraph and your desire to tell the story will take over and you'll be doing a few pages every day.

terrified of being constantly needy, both physically and emotionally, when my boyfriend comes home from work

One problem with working by yourself is lack of feedback. So find some other writers you can hang with and share your work with while you write. That will help take some of the burden from your SO.

(since, unlike him, I will not be exhausted from an office 9-5)

Writing is really really hard work. Just because you do it sitting down doesn't mean it's not exhausting.

You WILL be exhausted, mentally and physically, if you do the work you need to finish your book.

So there's nothing to feel guilty about, really.

Congratulations, and best of luck!

I don't know a thing about writing, although I'm always envious of people who do it well and can make a living at it.

Its pretty clear you'll be moving from what I imagine is a fairly structured environment into a completely unknown situation: a year of finishing your book, of moving into a new place, and of combining your life with that of your boyfriend. These are all wonderful things, but they are all big changes. Change can be hard, and several big changes all at once can add up to anxiety and stress. With regard to the writing - this success (and that's what it is, never forget!) is likely something you've been working towards for a long time. I think it can be kind of like when you work and work and fight off a cold or the flu, and then the weekend comes and bang, you're sick as a dog. Its like you've been so busy working towards something that you didn't have time to worry, but now that goal has been achieved and suddenly you have the time to worry. Just a suggestion but maybe you could spread out these big changes a little? Live apart for a few weeks so you can make the adjustment from graduate school to working at home? If this is the right guy he'll understand. And even if he doesn't he'll modify his plans to accommodate you.

You've laid out pretty clearly what you're worried about, so now you have to make a plan: make a schedule for your day, set deadlines for yourself (and modify as needed). Schedule in exercise and social contact with other people - gym, volunteer work, a walk with the neighbours every morning. If there were things that really worked for you when you were in school try and import them into your new life. Lots of people do better within a structure, and I'm one of them, so create a structure that works for you. It may take a little tweaking to get it right, and even then, you've earned some flexibility. I'm getting from your letter an indication that somewhere deep inside you don't feel that this year qualifies as "work" i.e. not 9-to-5 like your boyfriend. I think it is work, and it will be tiring, not every day, but certainly some days. And lets not forget you've already worked your ass off to earn this year. So don't fall into the trap of feeling you're not really working.

Talk therapy can help with big life changes, so don't be afraid to consider that. It sounds like you have a good handle on things though and the fact that you recognize some possible traps will help you to avoid them. And let me just repeat: congratulations!

...you need to think of this fellowship money as a salary that is to be earned rather than a gift that has been received. If you want to be a writer, then that's your job. Treat it like one. Write every day. Character notes, all the minutiae. If you write a paragraph describing a character's wristwatch (or whatever), you'll probably never use it. But then again, such exercises can lead to creative revelations and pages of brilliance.

Congratulations on the fellowship. Meanwhile, I show up here trying for red stars like a loser.

You know, that "oh shit" feeling you get when you receive an opportunity you've wanted is kinda the way the world works. It's a sign that you're exercising your reach. Sometimes it comes from the scope of what you've signed up to accomplish. For the LW, it's sounds more associated with the required lifestyle changes. Either way, it's OK. It might be that navigating the lifestyle changes and personal motivation issues becomes the more interesting set of problems to solve, versus doing the writing. Or not.

Either way, the year will go by fast. Don't think it's a lot of time.

If the LW has any procrastination issues, the book The NOW Habit by Neil Fiore is great. It provides a structure for both getting things done and feeling good about it in a free-form environment.

The LW might find the hardest thing to deal with is all the potential activities and time-fillers that come along that AREN'T writing. I'd be more worried about that, especially around moving in with the boyfriend. Man, is that a process rich with distractions... Focus on the writing and the rest of the issues may take care of themselves.

I'm sorry, LW, this is not directed at you but at Cary or the editor or whoever is choosing these letters: these writer letters are completely boring. I am a writer myself--the kind of writer who will sob over a second place award because she didn't win first--and even I find these letters utterly boring and self-involved. Oh boohoo you got a writing fellowship. Oh sob sob you don't have to work at all. When people are dying of earthquakes far away and somewhat closer people are struggling to decide things like whether they should pay rent or take their children to the doctor, let's take a moment out of our day to pity the person who won a writing fellowship and doesn't have to work. Like I said above, this is not the LW's fault most people--myself included (as I mentioned above)--are self-involved, and I don't necessarily hold that against someone. However where is the editor who is screening out these boring boring whiny questions? I know there are many people out there with real problems and I'd really prefer to hear answers to those questions. Can anyone echo me in calling for a moratorium on any questions that in any way involve writers?

-Signed,

A writer