Letters to the Editor
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You should tell your mom.
Tell her exactly what you found. The very idea that the fact that there's a possibility she may be doing the same thing should prevent her from knowing about this is preposterous. If she is - and since she's not the alcoholic who frequently takes mysterious out of town trips, it's unlikely - then it'll come out in the divorce proceedings.
All you can know is that your mother is in danger, physically and financially. He's an STD risk, and is at the very least diverting marital assets to support his visits to his affair partner, even if he's not spending lavishly for gifts for her...and if he has any real disposable income, he almost certainly is.
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"The person who has never ever cheated on a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife, or slept with someone who had a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife, can get in line to throw the first stone."
I've never been cheated on or cheated either. That's because I have a strong sense of honesty and morals and choose to hang out with people who do as well. That's why I am offended at the Dad's actions.
Those who don't value honesty don't care if Dad cheated. Poster got their logic mixed up.
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"The person who has never ever cheated on a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife, or slept with someone who had a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife, can get in line to throw the first stone."
never been "the other woman" either
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Butt Out
Your motivations are all selfish. Nuff said.
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whatever you do, don't do it anonymously
A friend of mine got one of these "for your own good, I'm going to tell you this" anonymous letters and it was unbelievably creepy and disturbing.
Telling your mom amounts to playing God. You don't know what's going on here - you can only guess. Your interference is as likely to damage as to help. If you had done the right thing in the first place, you wouldn't have these suspicions about your father and you wouldn't have this dilemma. So, rewind. Go back to the moment where you chose to open the email, and this time, don't do it. Proceed accordingly.
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What if they have an open marriage?
What if they swing and are into things they DON'T want you to know about? What if your mom is a closeted lesbian and is fine with this? What if she just doesn't care?
Your parents' sex life is not your business, period. This has nothing to do with you, as an adult child who resides in a separate home.
Even if I were in this scenario as a potential wife who didn't know and would be devastated, it would be probably the most humiliating and messed up thing imaginable to end up with my adult child involved somehow. That's not their place and it's something there should be boundaries around between parents and children, period.
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What if they have an open marriage?
if they had an open marriage, dad wouldn't be setting up clandestine meetings
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OF COURSE you should confront your father!!!
And it should be done in the most spiteful, mean, embarrassing, humiliating, and damaging way possible!
He should be emotionally destroyed in front of the rest of the family, if possible, and left nowhere to hide and whimper. After all, as many posters here have pointed out, he's stepped out on your mom, so you have no obligations to him whatsoever. He might as well be dead to you.
Force him to come clean with her, and make sure the whole family knows. Make sure he knows just how repulsive and sleazy you think he is for what he's done, how your image of him has shattered and will never be the same, how you'll never forgive him and never feel the same for him that you did before, how your love for him has been replaced by cold indifference and rage. Disown him as publicly as possible, and do your best to convince the rest of the family to follow suit. Since he's already an alcoholic, you might just push him to suicide or reckless, dangerous behavior, but oh well, right? He made his bed and now he has to lie in it!!!!!
Push your mother strongly to pursue divorce and take him for all he's worth. After all, she's far better off old and alone then she is with a husband of 35 years who's getting a little action on the side. As other posters have so lucidly pointed out, it's utterly inevitable that he will leave your mother for the other woman, dump and divorce her in an ugly way, and hang her out to dry financially. Because that's how ALL affairs end, right? ALL cheaters must loathe their spouses or partners, right? If they liked, loved, or cared for them then ipso facto they wouldn't be cheating! It's all so simple, and so black and white. Don't muddle your thinking with nuance and ambiguity. Your mother is a meek victim who needs you to swoop in to inform and protect her, tell her what's best for her to do, manage her finances, help her navigate through divorce court, etc. Your father is PURE EVIL to be hated and disowned. End of story.
Anything less than this is simply unacceptable in judgmental, self-righteous, prudish, puritanical, punitive, unforgiving, intrusive, I-know-what's-best-for-you-and-everyone-else America!
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generations and decisions
The LW's mom is in an interesting generation. In previous generations, women didn't tend to be wiped out financially in old age (e.g., by divorce). So they didn't necessarily need to maintain total independence of their spouse and could focus on being "mom," etc.
These days, marriage (often) means almost nothing because divorce is so easy. As a young woman, I doubt I will ever be in the LW's mom's position because I am very cognizant of the fact that my boyfriend or husband could leave at any time, and many do. It's a burden and an annoyance, but it's better than being surprised by all this. One can at least work hard and try to be a good partner and, most of all, prepare financially and mentally for that case as much as possible. To try to stay viable. Even attractive to a new partner if necessary.
However LW's mom is in an in-between generation... they can be wiped out, but haven't prepared for it. For example, my mom is 55 and my dad has recently divorced her for a younger woman. Same story with the parents of one of my best friends. It happens. (To men too, but in my experience, less often.) There are lots of older, single women out there who are so-called "victims" of divorce. My mom is VERY lucky because she lives in the USA has a million dollars in assets and a sweet alimony as a result of the divorce. If I were her (a member of this new generation) I would do a lot of fun things with that money, because I'm used to spending my own money. It's a windfall. My mom, though, is shell shocked and sad even after a few years.
I think that the LW has pretty much no chance of changing Dad's intentions or behavior. None. Zero. She cannot change his plans or behavior. Not one bit. Forget it. He is an adult and I doubt she would have that much influence. I can't think of any situation in which I or someone I know has wanted something as intense as an affair, or a change in their marriage, and had their mind changed by a conversation with someone peripheral.
Therefore, as Cary said, the LW can focus on practical things she'd like to acheive. They may take a while. One practical thing is to make sure the mom has money in the case of a divorce. This can be the result of many fact-based conversations with mom over a long time. Or get them a meeting with a financial advisor as a holiday present. (You can even tell the financial advisor that you'd like them to be prepared in the case of divorce - without giving him/her any facts.) Get Mom thinking about what she'd do if Dad were gone for another reason. Talk to Dad about making sure Mom has enough money "no matter what." It seems like a small and acheivable goal to be undertaken politely and graciously, and from a place of love, over a long time. It might not work, but at least the LW can sleep easy that she tried.
Step two would be to be prepared to help mom if/when a divorce does happen. Can't control whether it happens, but you can be there for her if/when it does. For a loved one, the thing to do is to share the burdens of unpleasant things that happen (emotional, financial, whatever), within your means of course.
As for these anonymous letters ideas - I think (and many people think) that as a general rule, almost anything done anonymously should not be done. That's an ethical rule, exceptions being made only in the gravest of circumstances (e.g. Nazi Germany - a cheating dad doesn't make the cut). If you can't do things in the light of day, don't do them. (Unless the standard is anonymity, like in an anonymous forum - this one!). This is because things you want to do anonymously tend to be damaging, and making yourself do them non-anonymously stops people from doing damage except in the most serious circumstances.
As for the Mom never forgiving the LW - the LW has the right to her own privacy and does not need to tell Mom she "knew." If Mom finds out on her own, LW can explain her ethics and her reasoning. The chance that someone will disagree and "be mad at you" is not a reason to not do something, if the decision is in line with your own values.
The LW should look deep inside and make a decision in accordance with her own values - not the emotions of the moment.