Letters to the Editor
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for Heron23
Thank you so much for your response. It means a lot to me. The community that has grown up around this column is fascinating; the desire all of us have for each other's voices, though at times perverse, gives me hope.
Somewhere in Civilization and Its Discontents Freud says "All writing has its origins in the sound of an absent voice." Even he had to get something right occasionally....!
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Late to the party
The grandma who suggested Quiet Time is right on. I do that with my boys. If they say they're not tired, I tell them that Quiet Time is for me, not them.
You should check the summer camp schedule for your local YMCA. Our local YMCAs run day camps and activity camps (fishing, cooking, computers, learn to swim, learn to kayak, tumbling, basketball, knitting, etc.) all summer at reasonable prices. If you can't afford the price, they have scholarships available for kids who need them.
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Re: personality tests
The Myers-Briggs is based on Jungian typology and is geared to identifying personalities as they fit into a Jungian view of human psychology. I find it sort of rigid, but useful as a starting point. Just don't take it as the be-all and end-all of answers.
Much more helpful to me in a general sense has been the various personality tests based on what some call "the Big Five." These tests measure your agreeableness, conscientiousness, neuroticism, openness to new experience, and extraversion against the average person. It's very interesting stuff, but again, it only answers questions about some parts of your personality and doesn't explain everything.
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Dear Bubble Head
I can relate to you, although I have a husband and 3 kids. The husband is often a source of frustration too. The kids drove me nuts when they were younger, especially. I avoided relationships and dreaded meeting new people. I could not stand family parties. I pretty much smoked pot constantly for ten years to give myself that little personal bubble I needed.
But, I am writing to you to let you know that the six year old will grow older. He will begin even to take on some of your traits and become more your best friend than a little pain in the hole. He will defend you to his friends that think you are a weird mom. Take the time, whenever you can, to talk with him just like you write. Express your feelings and tell him you love him more than anything in the whole world. Tell him you are mad at his father and maybe hurt. Or, maybe you miss him because he died. Let him know that quiet makes you happy inside.
You can be a solitary rider. You can be a solitary writer. Its a nice kind of a person. You will change as you grow older and life shapes you. You don't have to be outgoing to be lovable and some of the most lovable people are the hardest to get to know.
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doubledip
I have a sitter two hours a day. One of the things she does is take the kid grocery shopping. They both enjoy it, actually.
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The criticism is also not because LW is a single mom...
...it's because she apparently didn't give much thought to whether someone with her personality and goals really wanted (or needed) to be a mother. Honestly, Cary gets a surprising amount of letters on here from people having problems because they didn't stop to consider from the outset whether marriage and children are what they really wanted. They seem to have just let these things "happen" to them, or just got married-with-kids because it was the thing to do, or because everyone else was or because that's what "real" grown-ups do. Why _shouldn't_ folks think hard about what they really want in life--and if they want to do it? Why do people react as if you've spit on Mother's Day if you wonder why people had kids when said folks obviously didn't really want them or weren't cut out for them? And why do people react so badly when the point is made that mature adults think through what they want before they go after it? _Again_, just because someone has a baby does _not_ make them the fount of all wisdom--nor does it mean they've really given serious thought as to what parenting is about.
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not wanting kids
I disagree with the posters who think LW could have known whether or not she wanted kids before she had one. It is likely that most people think they want kids and have no real reason to believe they can't handle having them, until they have them. I don't think you can really know what it's like until you have them. I certainly didn't. This assumption that having children can be a thoroughly rational decision as long as people put some thought into it beforehand,is naive. I also believe that people who decide they don't want kids might have loved having them if they'd gone ahead and had them. There's no way to know beforehand the good and the bad of actually having kids. Having kids is like entering another world you never knew existed. You can't predict what it will be like until you are there. The trick is to rise to the occasion. It's called "growing up."
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time tested child rearing methods
when my mother got pissed off and couldn't take it anymore, she'd tell me and my brothers that she was running away and never coming back, and then she got in the car and drove away. she'd come back in two or three hours.
sometimes she'd drive by some old forts and tell my brothers it was the "bad boy's house" or school or prison and warn them if they didn't behave she'd take them there.
i was the oldest of five and never had any playdates. i don't know if one's childhood playdates are safe with parental supervision, as all of my memories of my childhood friends have a lord of the rings quality to them. i say, do not introduce your child to other children, for your child's sake.
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@BuckMulligan
Lord of the Rings or Lord of the Flies?
Most of my childhood memories of tramping around the neighborhood with other kids, or being forced to "play" in basement rec rooms with my rowdy second and third cousins, have a distinct Lord of the Flies quality to them.
You certainly knew who your allies and enemies and frenemies were. I guess it was good training for the real world?