Letters to the Editor
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INFP and choices
I agree with Cary's advice and don't know if I can add any of my own. I chose a different path because by the time I was 17 I already knew well my solitary nature. I chose to not have children. I did not want to expend all that energy and deal with the drain on my interior world. I'm able to have a social life and a great relationship, but even now I see women with children and simply feel no desire for that life. Being an INFP for me is also about knowing exactly who I am, and that I can make decisions that are right for me, even if society thinks me odd.
But this LW has a 6 year old already, and perhaps it will be so fulfilling if this INFP writer learns to manage and juggle that need for time alone with the child's needs, and also to see how much the child can help her to see everything differently. Share with your child your wonderful interior life! I know it must be difficult when every fiber of your being screams to be left alone to contemplate and to process and a small child wants attention. But, my mom is also an INFP, and now that we're adults, we have a wonderful relationship and enjoy traveling together because we each see and share the world in a unique way that few others understand. I belive you'll get through this just fine and it will have wonderful rewards.
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INFPs Rock! ...& Hire a Mother's Helper
LW,
At the beginning of a long summer, huh?
I hope Cary's response prompts you to do a bit of reading on this. On page 38 of "Do What You Are" by Tieger and Barron-Tieger (my favorite book on personality type), we learn that INFPs are just about 1% of the American population. No wonder you learned to see yourself as selfish; the other 99% have been shaking their heads over us for a long time.
Forgive me if this sounds simplistic. It's not simplistic, just simple. I was an "at-home" mom for many years - freelancing in one way and another. Whenever I try to give to my girls at the expense of my serenity, I end up having to apologize to them instead of being the loving mom I intended. I had to build some things into our routine to protect myself from overload.
It's normal for a 6-year-old to need a LOT of attention. It's normal for you to run out of gas if you try to meet all of that need. Sounds like the playgroup route is just as draining. I wonder (now that summer's here) if you might find it useful to hire a "mother's helper" a few days a week? This might be an energetic and responsible pre-teen not quite ready for babysitting, but able to give your child companionship and supervision in another room - or the backyard - while you get a little space for a few hours at a time.
Come to think of it, if you lived near me I would propose to pay you to pay my kid to be your mother's helper so she'd have something to do a few days a week this summer!
When you know relief is coming at regular intervals, you will find it much easier to be "lovable and outgoing."
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The advice is good, but...
A former journalist who can't stand stimulation? There may be other issues here, issues that have evolved over time, including (I suspect) her implicit (emotional) motivations, which can be aroused and sometimes even permanently raised by having children. A combination of elevated affiliation motivation (desire to engage in a friendly or loving manner with others, wanting to be liked) with high sensitivity to actual interpersonal stimulation can explain some of this - someone who has strong emotional desire to engage personally but finds it painful to do so.
I respect your answer to this dilemma; finding ways to manage the person you are rather than the expectations of others is always good advice, though I suspect the initial declaration may be extremely difficult -- perhaps she should write down what she wants to say, certainly before trying to say it. Along those lines, I wonder if socialization by internet would generally be satisfying and safer than personal engagement when she feels the need herself, since that reduces the sensory stimulation, but would still enable her to satisfy her Affiliative motivation, assuming I am right, of course! Someone with a high need for Affiliation might get more anxious if given total solitude, however painful direct interaction may be.
More importantly than my hypothetical interpretations, I would caution against the overuse and overinterpretation of the Myers-Briggs Type Inventory. It's popular, and it has helped many become more aware of the valuable differences between people, but in fact most of the dimensions have failed to hold up when adequately researched -- not surprisingly, since it was created originally by two amateurs in the 1920s, when little was known about personality psychology, and much of that was wrong. Furthermore, people tend to treat the MBTI as if it is tattooed on their foreheads - something that is fixed, embedded in your brain. This, too, has failed to hold up; studies of some tests indicate that you can vary by as much as 40% over time- flipping types from one side of the dimension to the other.
Introversion/Extraversion is the one dimension that is still current, and indeed it is relatively stable, but other elements of MBTI are either not true dimensions or are not true, enduring personality traits. This is why the formal measures of MBTI are all clearly labeled that they should not be used for purposes like job selection - they lead people to assume something is irrevocable and, in some cases, unhelpful. Especially since personality is only where you begin - what you do with it, as this woman clearly demonstrates, can cross great ranges!
My sympathies for your letter writer, and thanks for your thoughtful response.
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Speaking as a WTF?
I'm not hip to all the pop-psych lingo, but I have to wonder about the economics of all this. She says she's an unsuccessful novelist single mom raising a six-year-old. In the world I live in, that usually translates into financial problems, but maybe things like that are just too external for an INFP Leo to come to grips with. If she does have these problems a reality-based individual might think that those external problems are the real issue. Perhaps it's time to stop living in a dream-world, give up her futile attempts at novel-writing and try to get a job with a real salary, and real limits (That's part of the problem with being a writer, isn't it? You're always at work....) There are only a few positions available for novel-writers. Most are actually waitresses pretending to be novelists. After ten years, noone can criticize her for not giving it a fair shot. IMHO, it's far better to be a journalist wistfully wishing she could be a novelist than a "novelist" wishing she had a life. Maybe though, I'm guilty of failing to support her illusions (sorry, dreams.) My bad. Too many visits to despair.com (not recommended for those of you who thought CT's response was insightful)