Brilliant point. But is there anyway to make that insight help these people? Can we send her to some Top academy where she can learn to make him wash the dishes, clean the gutters and do her doggy-style before she'll give him his? What? That isn't a turn-on? Jeez, some people are sooo picky! I now feel better about my own, apparently modest, kinks. Hey, Honey, look at this! See, I'm not that bad! Thanks, Cary!!!!

I've been reading Dan Savage for a long time, too, and he makes it pretty clear that GGG has to be, you know, consensual. I don't think he'd be pushing a survivor of sexual abuse to give it up for her husband's fantasies as long as she "gets something from it," when the LW made it pretty clear the chances of that are nil. But this doesn't make the LW the opposite of GGG--it's not like she's withholding because she's some kind of close-minded bitch. She has some pretty damn good reasons for not being into her husband's set of kinks. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with him--but there's nothing wrong with her, either. Now, I think Dan Savage would have taken a break from his usual tongue in cheek humor and laid down some love on this LW. But basically, she didn't write to Dan Savage, she wrote to Cary. In doing so, she was almost guaranteed some TLC and outside permission to find a therapist, and well, she got it. Good for her.

in a depressing sort of way

LW,

I hope reading your letter as published helps you to hear yourself.

Do you hear yourself?

What part of "scary and nauseating, and not a turn-on to me" sounds judgmental to you? There's nothing judgmental about saying, "None for me, thanks."

The reference to your molestation is just more of your husband's gas-lighting. Whether "a bit" or a lot, molestation is not the reason for being uninterested in scary nauseating turn-offs.

Scary nauseating turn-offs are no fun even for people who haven't been molested. The relevant difference is that people who grow up unmolested have no need to develop your level of skill for talking yourself out of your feelings and into things that you don't want.

The hope I hear in your letter is that the healing work you've done has had some results: You are no longer able to talk yourself out of seeing insanity when you see it (thank Goodness) and you don't need to. But awareness is not all you need for making big decisions.

I hope you follow Cary's advice to focus first on regaining your strength. You need some healing time to recover from this new and painful level of awareness. As you do that with the support you deserve, you may find acceptance for the reality of your situation and the options you face. Acceptance will enable you to choose a course of action that is right for you.

Don't decide by trying to figure out what other people need. When you know from the inside out what is right for you, it will be what's best for all others concerned, whether they like it or agree with it or not.

As Janice Soprano once said of Ralph Ciffaretto, "He bottoms from the top."

Cary's "advice" is often less than worthless, but this time out he was pretty good. The LW painted a portrait of a chaotic life, and it's hard to imagine her being able to think things through without paring things down a little first. Sometimes the best advice to give somebody concerns *how* they should make their decisions, rather than what decisions they should make.

But you have some choices to make since you cannot truly love someone while simultaneoulsy wanting them to change who they are.

He had these inclinations before you married him so its safe to assume THIS IS HIM.

And YOU are YOU.

No need to dissect it psychologically. No need to dig into your own past on this. Everyone is different in what they like. The challenge for you is whether or not you can live with it.

Since you are uncomfortable doing the things he likes (don't beat yourself up for that or try to force it - it won't work)you have to decide whether its OK to STAY in the marriage and figure out a way to get your own needs met and allow him to do the same OR leave the marriage.

A decision to stay together and look outside the marriage for these special needs is a decision only YOU can make, really. He's already DOING what he needs to do. Can you handle that? What needs do you have? How would you feel about developing your own separate "needs" network? What other value are you getting from the relationship with your husband? (you mentioned the kids) Is that worth the trade off?

If you decide its worth it to stay and broach the subject of the outside needs attainment you'll probably have to delineate certain rules and boundaries that accompany this freedom. (such as: cannot do it in our mutual home, no overnights apart, no mentioning around kids, budgetary considerations, whatever is appropriate for your situation).

What you have to stop trying to do is CHANGE yourself to suit him. He is who he is and you are who you are. This is NOT like sitting through Battlestar Gallactica with your hubby cuz it's his favorite show. We're talking about some fundamental sexual differences.

If an open situation feels kooky to you, maybe it time to consider ending the marriage because it sounds like all his behavior is making you doubt yourself and whether you should be doing this or that when there's nothing wrong with either of you. You're just different.

Either way, remember you are as important as he. Your needs are as important as he. Don't try to change yourself into something you're not. Be at peace with yourself. Untie yourself from all those knots you've got yourself wound in.

I sincerely wish you the best.