Cary's suggestion that you reduce stress before you try to find your way out of the maze is right on the mark. Some years ago I went to see a physician about a persistent stomach pain which showed all the signs of being an ulcer. The physician was an MD but he had a woo-woo take on things sometimes and he did some poking around and asked some questions and then looked at my massively crowded keyring lying on the desk and said "You have too many keys. Get it down to one." I protested that that was impossible--car, office, front door, back door, gym locker, garage, parents' house, mother in law's house--I couldn't lose one of them! He insisted. He didn't suggest any other form of treatment. Somehow I found a way to divest, hide keys under rocks, let go of certain responsibilities that called for hanging onto other peoples' keys, and got it down to just my car key.

The pain was gone in two weeks and never came back.

The same doctor said "The inside of your car is a picture of your brain." That one has been very helpful through the years as well.

So for what it's worth, I pass that doctor's wisdom along to you.

This is the situation for which pro-dommes were invented. The marriage is basically sound, but he has a kink that's important to him, and she doesn't share it, and their lives are complex enough that a full open relationship isn't practical. Enter the paid professional, whose job it is to assess and meet his needs without overstepping any agreed-upon relationship boundaries. Many pros would be happy to include the wife in a session, as a spectator or student or co-top, thus enabling her to experience what he wants without the pressure of having to make it happen all by herself.

There are, in fact, classes that the wife could take to help her become more comfortable with this role -- if she's to dominate him successfully, she has to figure out a way to get her needs met too; otherwise the internal tension between acting dominant while actually being in service to his fantasy will tear her up (I've seen a lot of women damaged by this sort of thing). Many leather conferences and erotic boutiques offer workshops for novice dominant women, and at least one retired pro-domme (Cleo Dubois in the Bay Area) teaches weekend-long intensives for dominant women and their partners. (Such an environment might be a wake-up call for the husband -- a more experienced dominant would have the objectivity to point out to him that he's asking for a great deal and not offering much in return.)

There are also several good books written for women exploring domination -- "The Sexually Dominant Woman," "The Mistress Manual," and "The Art of Sensual Female Dominance," to name a few. Also, "When Someone You Love Is Kinky" is a guide for spouses and friends of kinky people, and "Healing Sex" is a non-judgmental guide for survivors of abuse and trauma who are trying to find fulfilling sexuality.

Any or all of these resources might help with this thorny problem...

Janet Hardy

Greenery Press

(publisher of a few of these titles)

Because, honest to God, LW--husband is putting far more time into sex than he is into loving you, caring for your child, and just basically being a husband. I hate to say it, but it really sounds as if monogamy to him was just another sexual experience to try--not the loving committment you want it to be. In short, not only are your sexual appetites growing apart, but the ways you see marriage sound ultimately incompatible. You should defintely see a therapist, if only to get a grip on who you are and what you want, but it's far more likely that you and husband are going to be continuing down separate emotional paths.

Two dear friends of mine have been married for more than 10 years. Early on they came to terms with the fact they have what they call, "very different core erotic themes" which meant that over the long haul, they knew they'd run into trouble. They didn't want it to threaten their marriage and so they decided to do something radical and creative - they introduced polyamory into their relationship.

It's about opening up the relationship so that the partners can get their needs met without having to abandon all the good in the marriage. It wasn't easy; it seems to take an extraordinary degree of commitment to protect the marriage as the central relationship and be sure it's never put at risk.

It's a tough road to travel, but this seems to be the kind of case where it's worth thinking very creatively and opening up our minds to what a marriage - a commitment -- can look like.

The guy can't what turns him on. Asking him to repress or cease and desist will only make it bigger over time. But if he's a good husband and a good father, on the whole, it's worth taking the road less traveled on this one.

good luck

and I think in this case his advice would be to DTMFA!

But since none of us are Dan, maybe we could ask him to weigh in.

I think my first letter directed at you was too strong--you weren't really making a judgment on the LW. It just seems clear that there's nothing in this particular fantasy for her. And given the circumstances, I don't think the husband can just crawl off to another dom to get his needs met. The LW is not withholding for the sake of it. Anyway, blah blah blah--you don't care. I overreacted.

He would probably have some useful advice for the LW. As well as the concept of being GGG about aspects that don't exactly float your boat, but you're not adverse to, he would also chastise your partner for being greedy. He often proposes that there is one kinky sex session (again, involving activities that don't outright squick you) per four (or more) "vanilla" sessions. In other words, your partner should be grateful that you're willing to peg him and suchlike, but not wear out his welcome.

Perhaps there are some more toppy activities that you might be willing to engage in if he is cross-dressing at the same time. I'm with you on the issue of abuse making d/s stuff problematic, but perhaps c/d might be humiliating enough. I understand your ire about the equation of femininity and humiliation - some people do have fucked-up wiring, but I don't necessarily think that might be intrinsically bad if it's kept strictly in the bedroom.

If he wants more hardcore activities and more overt d/s, I suggest a household fund for "treats". Maybe $300-$500 a month, if you can afford it. He uses his share to pay a professional dominatrix for monthly (or less) sessions, and you use yours for something that you get pleasure out of. That and the left-of-centre sex life you already share may be sufficient to stop him from moving the goalposts on you even further.

A more open relationship - if it's something you'd consider - might be another alternative. I'd also caution him to not confuse a fantasy online kink live with dealing with real-life weirdos he might encounter, especially when he's got a partner who is willing to do quite a bit.