Pretend the sex problem isn't there and look at the rest of this man's behavior. He's a jerk. Any counseling will need to deal with his underlying behaviors and not only the sexual problems.

It annoys me that these letters always get responses saying that polyamory would be THE solution if the LW were just "open-minded" enough to accept it. What about her letter possibly made anyone think that she would be interested in polyamory? She was already upset by his neglectfulness to his entire family while he was exploring his sexuality on Second Life, but if he just gets to f*** other people too, everything will be ok?

How and when did men get the idea that wackjob sexual thoughts that occur to them years after "I do" just have to, have to be realized by their mates?

Our moms didn't have to put up with this crap.

First take or make some time to relax your mind. Take care of it by relaxing it from all these confusing issues. Go for a walk, drink a cup of tea, watch a favorite TV show ... just give your mind some time off to enable it to think more clearly. Second, respect your boundaries ... listen to your own voice and not someone else's (namely his). Relax first in order to do this. Third (like the ball game), if you find he still makes you feel uncomfortable with his suggestions tell him no, just that, no ... pass the ball to him either he finds another way to play with you or he's out!

I've been through this sexual dilemma, though thankfully without the baby and moving.

I tried to accommodate my husband's fantasies within my own limits, keeping his magazines and toys, and gave him the option of visiting a pro from time to time.

My experience is that it doesn't' end there. Spending hours online graduated to going through personals. He found a pro who really wanted her own husband. When I found out and confronted him, he told me he loved me but they were "in the groove". He wanted me to move out so she could move in.

I fought back and saved our marriage, but now I'm not sure exactly what I was saving. He tells me he never feels those urges anymore, but we haven't had sex in 2 years either. He is passive, selfish, immature and passive aggressive. I don't trust him.

Over the years, I have reduced my expectations over and over again, and do not have the husband and life I deserve. But I'm near 60, and don't really want to start over.

It sounds like you have spent time and energy to learn how to take care of yourself emotionally. Cary gave you excellent advice, take some time for yourself, and envision the life you want. When you're ready to act, put in place the support system to take care of yourself and your child financially, and leave this guy behind to find the life he wants.

The love and life you want are out there, waiting for you.

It amazes me how many people write in for advice when they know bloody well what they need to do.

"I'm married to Adolf Hitler. He has a few strange habits, such as invading Poland, but other than that he's a really sweet guy and even does the dishes. He hasn't been around much lately because he seems to be building some sort of camp, but I know I can make this marriage work if I only get myself together. What should I do?"

This guy is weird, sick, fucked-up, twisted, and should I go on? This is just not normal. He seems to be going farther and farther out, which means he is now light-years outside the covenant he signed on for when he got married. He is repeatedly and casually violating those vows, and expecting her to strap on a fake dick even though it gives her no pleasure and weirds her out.

Jeez, unload him! SAVE YOURSELF! Pay no heed to Cary's cookie-cutter advice to sit on a deck chair on the beach with the wind blowing through your hair and sip a no-alcohol cocktail. He ALWAYS says this, because he seems to have a policy of never actually telling people what to do. He tells them to step back and relax, and it will all come to them.

But this is an advice column. A. D. V. I. C. E. What is advice? Counsel for people on what they should do! Why? Because they either don't know what to do, or (more likely) already know but are afraid to do it. Sitting on the beach will achieve exactly nothing when you need a kick in the pants.

Please, re-direct your letter to Dan Savage, who is blunt but truthful, and I guarantee you you'll get sane, clear-headed advice which you can actually use and which will change your life.

I agree with the letter writer who said the whole sex issue is a red herring. This sounds like a typical new baby/unstable employment/housework disagreements scenario. Add to that stepchildren, moving and living apart, it is no wonder the relationship is not smooth as silk! The husband is obviously using the fantasy on-line stuff as a way to escape a crappy home life - at least he did not take up drinking! While this guy does sound like a douche in the way he has approached the sex issue, my guess would be that both partners are equally culpable for the poor relationship. I get the sense from the LW that she has not exactly devoted herself to creating a comfortable home life and meeting his needs... I think if they are going to make the marriage work they need to pick a place to live permanently (together!), find jobs that do not require relocating (maybe scale down standard of living if necessary),and clearly define household tasks and divvy them up in a way that both parties agree is fair. In addition, the husband needs to stop the on-line fantasy stuff and the wife needs to set up a regular schedule where she indulges some the husbands kinks (reasonable ones that she is more comfortable with) on a regular basis - maybe once a week or once every two weeks.