You don't want it, it doesn't appeal to you, it doesn't turn you on. You have the right to your own needs, just as the BDSM people do. Some will tell you their tastes are more fully evoled, more open, but the truth is we all get to honor our own wants without apologizing for not wanting this or that.

You need to find someone who respects that. You HAVE given it a chance and it's not your cup of tea. You are no longer obligated to consider it. You have and it's not for you. Don't let them embarass you into doing things you aren't comfortable with, not becuase it's unfamiliar or taboo, but because you DID try it and it's not for you.

You are not sexually compatible with your husband, who had checked out of the partnership a long time ago. So I think it's time to admit that you aren't compatible, aren't partners and divorce.

You deserve someone who respects your right to choose your own tastes. who respects that you know what you like and have the right to honor that. Don't let anyone pressure you.

That is an incorrect, rude and manipulative statement. On the contrary, it sounds like LW HAS explored her sexuality, influences and impacts in depth, congrats.

BDSMer's will always use that statement to insult, shame and embarass someone into trying something they're really not interested in. It's a very rude statement meant to force you to do something you don't want to do. They often cite how they should have the right to follow their own unique tastes and interests, but hypocritically won't grant that to "vanilla" people.

You HAVE explored your sexuality, and HAVE decided what is right for YOU. Good for you. Don't listen to the judgemental statments here saying just cuz your tastes aren't like theirs', just cuz they aren't exactly what they think You should like, you must be repressed. What lying lies. They sure don't think society should be able to define their sexual lifes, so why do they think they should be able to define other peoples? We all deserve to define that for ourselves.

once again, Laurel has cut through the confustion to the real facts and solution. brava

If he's truly a bottom, and really wants to be dominated, put him in some kind of kinky black leather harness and order him to do the housework. You can buy a riding crop and snap it at him and call him humiliating names while he does it. At least you would have a clean house, and you could get some of your anger out at the same time. And again, if he's really submissive, make him call you Mistress and tell him to get thehell off that computer. Lay down the law honey!

Don't think I've ever heard of a more pathetic loser. He sits around playing kinky computer games while Rome's burning and scorching his ankles, and he either doesn't care or is too selfish to notice?

Stuff the PC notion of respecting people's sexuality. People with unusual sexualities need to know when to shut it down a moment and take care of the business of meeting the things they've committed to. He's an infantile narcissist with no balls, no sense of decorum or priorities. He has no business being in a relationship and making babies when he can't see the crap he's dragging his so-called family through.

What else can this woman do other than lay it down in plain English: Shape up today and forever or it's the exploding strap-on for you, buddy.

LW: The solution to this problem has little to do with additional sexual experimentation. Your husband's play-acting on second life meant that he checked out of the marriage when you needed him the most--you guys had a new baby, for cripes' sake! These on-line encounters are a form of infidelity, and need to be treated as such. Your marriage is in serious jeopardy, as you know, and it's time to call in the professionals. You guys have some serious wounds to heal, and trust to rebuild before you can begin experimenting in the bedroom again.

Now in the future there may be space for kinkier, bdsm-influenced sex. You can develop something slowly, through porn or talking each other through fantasies or something. But not right now. The emotional connection and the trust has to come first.

"He's an infantile narcissist with no balls, no sense of decorum or priorities. He has no business being in a relationship and making babies when he can't see the crap he's dragging his so-called family through."

I couldn't agree more. You've tried your best, Laurel and Jan Vandenberg said everything I wanted to say.

You deserve better. You deserve plain vanilla if that's what you want. He is the fringe, the majority of the world is not. Please, if not for yourself, for your child. This man-child is a selfish asshole.

And we have a rather more standard letter here: new baby + another(!) work-related relocation pushes husband into a bad mental place, from which he wants to escape. At least Second Life doesn't cost as much as a gambling habit and doesn't leave needle tracks.

In this respect Cary's answer is spot on, and would work in any such situation (as well as any one-size answer can).

LW,

I hear a lot of the pain and struggles you and your partner are going through. I second Cary's recommendation that you take some time to find yourself and your own needs in all of this.

Having been aware of my own kinkiness from a very young age, I'm also well aware of what your partner is going through at this moment. It's hard to come to realizations about yourself that are not flattering or in line with our common culture.

He's lucky to have you, as you have already accepted much of who and what he is in the face of much cultural adversity, and you should be commended. I encourage you to find the strength to make your family work however it can. If you can be the person your man needs, that's wonderful. If you can't, discuss the possibility of him finding someone extra-marital to satisfy his urges with. Work with him to find an arrangement that will satisfy you both.