The point of the GGG thing is supposed to be that kinks and desires don't go away through controlling yourself and acting normal or whatever, and there's nothing necessarily wrong with someone if they have them, and loving your partner means wanting to make them happy, because you like them, not treating them like they need therapy. It goes both ways, the kinky partner needs to be vanilla sometimes, to make their partner happy, and in return the vanilla person indulges their partners kinks sometimes. Painting it like being GGG means you have to only do stuff that grosses you out all the time is just the usual prude's straw man to justify wanting to shut down someone's kinks in favor of their own tastes. A kinky person who abandons all "normal" sex life with their partner and wants to have sex their way all the time is, by Dan's definition not ggg, and he's said so many times. if you can't enjoy your sex life, thats obviously not ggg for you.

Maybe the LW is right that her abusive past is keeping her from exploring her partner's kinks, but frankly I think thats just an excuse and the real reason is just that he's not much of a partner, and who would be interested in being GGG to a guy who's tuned out and selfish. Unfortunately once a relationship has reached that point, its time to go your separate ways so you can find someone you actually like being with.

The good news is that you now have a free pass to tell your husband exactly how betrayed and set up you feel, how unfair you feel his exploration has been, and how much he owes you. You can actually rage at him without feeling like he's going to leave the relationship, because that's what he's said he wants. Furthermore, if he really wants to get in touch with his feminine side, you can make him talk about his feelings before he gets any kind of reward from you.

It sounds like he might even be up for dressing in cute little boy shorts and bringing you drinks on the beach.

LW, it's all a matter of what you want. Do you want to keep this husband? If the answer is "yes," is there a compromise that you can find? Is there a compromise that will cost you less than the loss of your husband? If the answer is "no," then dump him as quickly and painlessly as possible on the basis of incompatibility.

You might want to ask your husband how much real life BDSM he's tried. All sorts of people think it all sounds great in an on-line fantasy, but really realize that being forced to kneed naked on a concrete floor is going to make their middle age knees hurt in a non-erotic way. You and he may find that a little bit of token sensation goes a long, long way in real life. He also has to offer some compromise. If you're willing to provide some (very light) BDSM, he should be willing to give you plenty of loving, vanilla sex.

BTW, most people are judgmental about other people's sexuality. The rule of thumb seems to be: "I am erotically sophisticated. You are kinky. Those people over there -- they're fucked up perverts."

LW, although consciously you may not have meant to do so, you built an unstable marriage with a sexually unstable man. You got to define what it was, as good, bad, or difficult as its been. You took what your husband gave you and made lemonade.

And now here he comes trying to redefine you and the marriage to suit needs that both of you always knew he had, but he promised (in the fine print of your marriage contract) to repress. Its as if he role played for the first several years, and now he figures that its your turn.

You've got to decide who you want to be and what kind of life you want to live. Then you have to figure out if your husband can fit into that life. He might not be able to, and it would be unfair and frankly, delusional, to expect him to be "Jim" when he really wants to be "Jill". Just like he's asking you to play "Big Chuck" to his "Little Jim".

There seems to be burdens that you share together that might not exist if you were apart. Maybe you can be partners and friends, but not lovers. Loving each other and living together may not work for you two. Maybe that's why you two find ways not to do it.

Good luck!

Sounds as though this husband wants sex, not love. There is a huge difference. When I was much younger, I was told that "sex without love is as perverse as love without sex." I didn't fully understand it then. Now I do. The question in this case is how long the wife wants to put up with being an "object" and how long she'll wait before telling the husband she is through being his "object." Good luck to them.

I agree with the letter writer who said the whole sex issue is a red herring. This sounds like a typical new baby/unstable employment/housework disagreements scenario. Add to that stepchildren, moving and living apart, it is no wonder the relationship is not smooth as silk! The husband is obviously using the fantasy on-line stuff as a way to escape a crappy home life - at least he did not take up drinking! While this guy does sound like a douche in the way he has approached the sex issue, my guess would be that both partners are equally culpable for the poor relationship. I get the sense from the LW that she has not exactly devoted herself to creating a comfortable home life and meeting his needs... I think if they are going to make the marriage work they need to pick a place to live permanently (together!), find jobs that do not require relocating (maybe scale down standard of living if necessary),and clearly define household tasks and divvy them up in a way that both parties agree is fair. In addition, the husband needs to stop the on-line fantasy stuff and the wife needs to set up a regular schedule where she indulges some the husbands kinks (reasonable ones that she is more comfortable with) on a regular basis - maybe once a week or once every two weeks.