Because, honest to God, LW--husband is putting far more time into sex than he is into loving you, caring for your child, and just basically being a husband. I hate to say it, but it really sounds as if monogamy to him was just another sexual experience to try--not the loving committment you want it to be. In short, not only are your sexual appetites growing apart, but the ways you see marriage sound ultimately incompatible. You should defintely see a therapist, if only to get a grip on who you are and what you want, but it's far more likely that you and husband are going to be continuing down separate emotional paths.

This is the situation for which pro-dommes were invented. The marriage is basically sound, but he has a kink that's important to him, and she doesn't share it, and their lives are complex enough that a full open relationship isn't practical. Enter the paid professional, whose job it is to assess and meet his needs without overstepping any agreed-upon relationship boundaries. Many pros would be happy to include the wife in a session, as a spectator or student or co-top, thus enabling her to experience what he wants without the pressure of having to make it happen all by herself.

There are, in fact, classes that the wife could take to help her become more comfortable with this role -- if she's to dominate him successfully, she has to figure out a way to get her needs met too; otherwise the internal tension between acting dominant while actually being in service to his fantasy will tear her up (I've seen a lot of women damaged by this sort of thing). Many leather conferences and erotic boutiques offer workshops for novice dominant women, and at least one retired pro-domme (Cleo Dubois in the Bay Area) teaches weekend-long intensives for dominant women and their partners. (Such an environment might be a wake-up call for the husband -- a more experienced dominant would have the objectivity to point out to him that he's asking for a great deal and not offering much in return.)

There are also several good books written for women exploring domination -- "The Sexually Dominant Woman," "The Mistress Manual," and "The Art of Sensual Female Dominance," to name a few. Also, "When Someone You Love Is Kinky" is a guide for spouses and friends of kinky people, and "Healing Sex" is a non-judgmental guide for survivors of abuse and trauma who are trying to find fulfilling sexuality.

Any or all of these resources might help with this thorny problem...

Janet Hardy

Greenery Press

(publisher of a few of these titles)

Cary's suggestion that you reduce stress before you try to find your way out of the maze is right on the mark. Some years ago I went to see a physician about a persistent stomach pain which showed all the signs of being an ulcer. The physician was an MD but he had a woo-woo take on things sometimes and he did some poking around and asked some questions and then looked at my massively crowded keyring lying on the desk and said "You have too many keys. Get it down to one." I protested that that was impossible--car, office, front door, back door, gym locker, garage, parents' house, mother in law's house--I couldn't lose one of them! He insisted. He didn't suggest any other form of treatment. Somehow I found a way to divest, hide keys under rocks, let go of certain responsibilities that called for hanging onto other peoples' keys, and got it down to just my car key.

The pain was gone in two weeks and never came back.

The same doctor said "The inside of your car is a picture of your brain." That one has been very helpful through the years as well.

So for what it's worth, I pass that doctor's wisdom along to you.

The thing is, for most people, "gross and perverted" equals "whatever doesn't turn me on personally." There's a lot of this coming through in your letter. Sex is weird and people are weird and there's no overarching moral significance to it. Your husband isn't putting down women because he associates being penetrated with being humiliated; horses and dogs and even elephants do the same thing, mounting each other to establish dominance. Even girl horses do this to each other. I've seen film of a young male elephant basically teabagging a dead elephant to show off. People who like to pretend that sex is all a controlled, intellectual act and has nothing to do with the body or the instincts tend to find themselves face-to-face with alarming surprises.

In other words, get past judging your husband for his desires. He's right, you have no right to do that.

On the other hand, he has no right to expect you to have sex you don't enjoy. Where are your desires in this manifesto of his? You don't owe him an explanation beyond "You know, that really turns me off." And he doesn't have a right to look elsewhere to fulfill his fantasies; he gave up that right when he got married.

To a certain degree Dan Savage is right when he says partners should be good, giving, and game. But as I understand it, what he means by that is that you should try to get into the same headspace as your partner, sign on for his fantasies with as open an attitude as you can muster, and try to take pleasure in your partner's pleasure. I don't think he means partners are required to clench their teeth and think about cleaning the bathroom during something they aren't really up for until it's over.

If I were you, the first thing I would do is ask him to quit Second Life. He's said he'll do it if you ask, so ask. I have a feeling from the way you put this that he only said he'd quit if you asked to try to put you into the position of being the bad guy. You're not the bad guy. He's the one being an asshole. If he can't play around in an online virtual world without making it a higher priority than his marriage, he doesn't need to be playing. What he needs to do is grow the hell up and realize that just because something seems like a great idea while you're masturbating doesn't mean it has to become reality.

Then get some counseling. This is big important stuff and you need more help than we can offer you.