The LW comes across as a mature and generous woman who has reached a good place psychologically despite all her demons. She is dealing with work pressures, husband pressures, heck, life pressures in an admirable manner.

I just want to say as a person who has dealt with many tough situations, that just because you are a strong person, does not mean you can not be vulnerable or have needs. I don't think the LW right now is feeling vulnerable because of a bad sexual experience in the past, but she is suffering as a strong woman can suffer, when the people she loves and protects are unable and unwilling to provide the support she needs. They think she owes them something more always and she does not.

She sounds most of all like a strong caring person and I believe her when she says she does not want to be a "top" or be the dom with a sub husband. She was being GGG by trying to give the man she loves, what he wants. But he is not giving her what she needs - kindness, understanding, love, support.

This is not to say her past is not important. She suffered and felt powerless and grew strong and is exceptional in that she wants to move away from dysfunctional relationships. She is right when she says that such victims are often doomed to repeat that cycle. But the LW created her own destiny by being a strong person.

Leave this man. Or don't. But be clear as to why.

You are strong, but not so strong that he won't get you down. he is giving nothing that will help you create the life you dreamed of - happy, loving and caring. Dont feel blackmailed into going into therapy and rake up the past, if you feel you don't want to, because you feel the problems in your marriage are your fault. He moved on somewhere you don;t want to go. So don't.

Tap into your strength and goodness. Take a deep breath. Like Cary said - take a break if you can. And do what feels right for you. He has betrayed you, you don't owe him anything. Stay with him if you want, but you don't owe him. This is not about your past, its about what your husband is doing in the present.

It seem for me that husband sex train has already left station and wife is not on it. That be said, final BDSM destination is often no mystery from start, but so easy for ignore signal when in love. Can always rationalize strap-on as just another attachment.

Unfortunate, Ms Top is now caution tale. Read me Dan Savage and think maybe he say that good give game only go so far. Wife reach GGG stage when strap-on is strap on. Once husband leave her behind for explore sex on-line, he shut her out of GGG negotiation and enter total selfish DTMFA territory.

What would it take for you to "be sure?"

Husbo says he's stop with the computer avatars if you say so. Then say so. And they say so again and tell him that if he wants to be beaten, no problem. You'll beat his ass in divorce court with alimony and child support for the next 18 years.

Sometimes a real-based, grounded, moment brings people back to their senses. Sounds like this guy has way too much time on his hands. He's just not there, girlfriend. Stop indulging him.

LW, please leave this mess of a man and start over.

Thanks for the concern, but the period where we were each trying to change the other was about ten or fifteen years ago, when we were both less mature and both far less self-aware about ourselves and each other. We dropped it a long time ago. I do, however, have the idea that what we have as friends and partners (in terms other than sexual, like mutual respect and support) is irreplaceable. It may be that we're destined to be best friends, but not married -- sometimes there is real, genuine love where there can't be a marriage. That's what I've got, and if that's also where the LW is, then she's got a difficult decision. If there isn't that genuine love, then her decision may be a little easier.

I may be entirely wrong about the idea of a soulmate -- I'm sort of wrestling with that now. You may be quite right on that score. A friend of ours is in an arranged marriage with an Indian woman, and her philosophy of marriage is "you marry whoever you marry, and then you do the work necessary to love them and build a happy life." So she approaches marriage from the idea that choosing the partner is not the important part -- doing the work is. Being a Southern "lady" (hah!) I was taught to look for my Prince Charming.

Forgive me if others have said this, but your husband is gay. Or possibly wants to be transgender. How can you compete with that? Free him to pursue what and who he really is. Ultimately, it will free you as well. Good luck.

Deal with it now.

Because it only gets worse from here.

uh..your husband is gay--first clue is that he has experience dating men..second clue..likes to cross dress...third clue..likes to be "penetrated". I support the political viewpoint of Salon and I'm a social libertarian--I really don't care what you do as long as you don't hurt anyone else..but lets be reasonable here...you're not gay and your husband is gay...do you really think you can work that out? and why the hell would you listen to the flaked out advice of cary tennis?